The Map: Silver screen and sunscreen

The map Next week sees the annual orgy of self-promotion that is the Cannes Film Festival. Matthew Sweet provides our guide to the Cannes do's and don'ts

"Darling, how are you? I haven't seen you since ... Well, since last Cannes!" Get practising now, because if you want to join the hordes of hacks, liggers and wannabes at the palm-fringed Riviera resort of Cannes during the annual Film Festival, you haven't got much time. Accreditation is free, but you should have applied before 4 March. So your best bet at this stage is to call or fax as politely as possible. You can register on arrival, but you must take several passport photos, business cards and a company letterhead. Anything will do, so just knock it up on your PC. There's an excellent chance of getting a cheap flight to Nice with EasyJet, and if it's good enough for David Ginola and Frank Bough (who were both on my flight last time I was there, darling) then it's good enough for you. See you on the Carlton terrace for cocktails at six. We could pop out for oysters with Liz and Hugh, and then go on to the James Bond party ...

Le Petit Majestic Where the British hacks hang out. Take pity and buy one of them a drink. You might be lucky and pick up a story about a Hollywood star that's far too libellous to print. Heard the one about Robert de Niro, the French judge and the call girls? Hang on, that did get printed ...

Palais des Festivals A huge exhibition complex, and the heart of the Festival. Screenings are held here in the Grand Auditorium and the Theatre Claude Debussy. On the schedule this year are Peter Greenaway's new film, 8* Women, Tim Robbins' The Cradle Will Rock, Kevin Smith's Dogma, and Le Lettre, the latest from nonagenarian Portuguese director Manuel de Oliveira. The world's journos are housed in a nightclub on the first floor, and their little postboxes are handily nearby - all hacks pray they've been obsequious enough to earn a party invite in their pigeonhole. Usually it's just press releases for films you'd never want to see.

Planet Hollywood Garish publicity events take place here, but don't have much to do with films at the Festival. Last year Bruce Willis (who part-owns this worldwide chain of bar-restaurants) turned up to sing with the Blues Brothers. And his business partner Sylvester Stallone will probably pop in for a burger at some point during the fortnight.

Hotel Majestic This is where the Cannes jurors are billeted. Last year they included Winona Ryder and Sigourney Weaver. This year's list features David Cronenberg, Holly Hunter and Jeff Goldblum. So if you want to gawp at them, wait in the driveway 10 minutes before a screening is due to start at the Palais over the road. Unless they dig an underground tunnel with their complementary hotel melon-spoons, they'll never escape you.

Noga Hilton A nasty, angular construction that wouldn't win any prizes for architectural brilliance. But around the hideous fountain in the lobby there are huge piles of the day's newspapers from all across the world, plus stacks of Festival literature. And the staff are too polite to stop interlopers making off with them in armfuls.

La Croisette The beachside highway of Cannes is the place to chase Madonna in her jogging bottoms and observe some of the Festival's battier publicity-seekers. If you're into men in animal costumes or women with pneumatic breasts, this is the place. And if you can find one that isn't occupied by a deep-tanned, poodle-wielding septuagenarian, there are cute little chairs where you can sleep off the results of last night's blagging.

Beach restaurants There's little chance of getting dinner in one of these lobster-laden establishments during the Festival. They're invariably hired by film companies for parties, so you'll probably have to content yourself with celeb-spotting from the street, whence you can peer down on all the bald patches and diamond earrings glittering in the Mediterranean dusk. This year, you have an excellent chance of seeing Sean Connery, Catherine Zeta Jones, Julia Ormond, Ralph Fiennes, Susan Sarandon, John Cusack, Vanessa Redgrave and Emily Watson. The first round's on them.

The Carlton International Big deals don't get done in the pavilions of the Riviera Village or in the bowels of the Palais. They happen inside hotels, where major film companies hole up for the duration. The napkins of the Carlton International are invaluable for those last-minute billion- dollar calculations.

Harbour The porno business has its own yacht moored here, where the Porn D'Or ceremony is held. It also operates as a base camp for the legions of big-chested women sent tottering up and down La Croisette by skinflick producers in the hope of attracting the attention of the world's photographers. (It usually works.) Slightly more upmarket is the Soho House boat, a waterborne version of the self-consciously trendy private club on Greek Street, London W1. Gatecrashing here is your best chance of sharing a special moment with Ewan McGregor, Rufus Sewell or Jude Law.

Hotel du Cap (down the coast in Cap d'Antibes) Home to the real celebs - the ones likely to get mugged by snappers if they venture unprotected into town. Take a taxi to the Cap d'Antibes and hang out in the cocktail bar to spot Liz and Hugh or Kate and Johnny sharing a low-cal Evian water.

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebooks
ebookPart of The Independent’s new eBook series The Great Composers
News
Kim Wilde began gardening in the 1990s when she moved to the countryside
peopleThe singer is leading an appeal for the charity Thrive, which uses the therapy of horticulture
Sport
Alexis Sanchez celebrates scoring a second for Arsenal against Reading
football
Life and Style
health
Voices
An easy-peel potato; Dave Hax has come up with an ingenious method in food preparation
voicesDave Hax's domestic tips are reminiscent of George Orwell's tea routine. The world might need revolution, but we like to sweat the small stuff, says DJ Taylor
News
i100
News
Japan's population is projected to fall dramatically in the next 50 years (Wikimedia)
news
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: Project Implementation Executive

    £18000 - £23000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: They work with major vehicle ma...

    Recruitment Genius: Chiropractic Assistant

    £16500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Chiropractic Assistant is needed in a ...

    Recruitment Genius: Digital Account Executive - Midlands

    £18000 - £26000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: They work with major vehicle ma...

    Recruitment Genius: Web Developer

    £28000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company provides coaching ...

    Day In a Page

    NHS struggling to monitor the safety and efficacy of its services outsourced to private providers

    Who's monitoring the outsourced NHS services?

    A report finds that private firms are not being properly assessed for their quality of care
    Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

    Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

    The Tory MP said he did not want to stand again unless his party's manifesto ruled out a third runway. But he's doing so. Watch this space
    How do Greek voters feel about Syriza's backtracking on its anti-austerity pledge?

    How do Greeks feel about Syriza?

    Five voters from different backgrounds tell us what they expect from Syriza's charismatic leader Alexis Tsipras
    From Iraq to Libya and Syria: The wars that come back to haunt us

    The wars that come back to haunt us

    David Cameron should not escape blame for his role in conflicts that are still raging, argues Patrick Cockburn
    Sam Baker and Lauren Laverne: Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

    Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

    A new website is trying to declutter the internet to help busy women. Holly Williams meets the founders
    Heston Blumenthal to cook up a spice odyssey for British astronaut manning the International Space Station

    UK's Major Tum to blast off on a spice odyssey

    Nothing but the best for British astronaut as chef Heston Blumenthal cooks up his rations
    John Harrison's 'longitude' clock sets new record - 300 years on

    ‘Longitude’ clock sets new record - 300 years on

    Greenwich horologists celebrate as it keeps to within a second of real time over a 100-day test
    Fears in the US of being outgunned in the vital propaganda wars by Russia, China - and even Isis - have prompted a rethink on overseas broadcasters

    Let the propaganda wars begin - again

    'Accurate, objective, comprehensive': that was Voice of America's creed, but now its masters want it to promote US policy, reports Rupert Cornwell
    Why Japan's incredible long-distance runners will never win the London Marathon

    Japan's incredible long-distance runners

    Every year, Japanese long-distance runners post some of the world's fastest times – yet, come next weekend, not a single elite competitor from the country will be at the London Marathon
    Why does Tom Drury remain the greatest writer you've never heard of?

    Tom Drury: The quiet American

    His debut was considered one of the finest novels of the past 50 years, and he is every bit the equal of his contemporaries, Jonathan Franzen, Dave Eggers and David Foster Wallace
    You should judge a person by how they peel a potato

    You should judge a person by how they peel a potato

    Dave Hax's domestic tips are reminiscent of George Orwell's tea routine. The world might need revolution, but we like to sweat the small stuff, says DJ Taylor
    Beige is back: The drab car colours of the 1970s are proving popular again

    Beige to the future

    Flares and flounce are back on catwalks but a revival in ’70s car paintjobs was a stack-heeled step too far – until now
    Bill Granger recipes: Our chef's dishes highlight the delicate essence of fresh cheeses

    Bill Granger cooks with fresh cheeses

    More delicate on the palate, milder, fresh cheeses can also be kinder to the waistline
    Aston Villa vs Liverpool: 'This FA Cup run has been wonderful,' says veteran Shay Given

    Shay Given: 'This FA Cup run has been wonderful'

    The Villa keeper has been overlooked for a long time and has unhappy memories of the national stadium – but he is savouring his chance to play at Wembley
    Timeless drama of Championship race in league of its own - Michael Calvin

    Michael Calvin's Last Word

    Timeless drama of Championship race in league of its own