The queen's English (part one)
Thursday 14 May 1998
ADF Alcohol Distortion Factor. Syndrome invariably blamed when you've staggered home with a stud and woken up with a fright. Or Michael Barrymore. Or Dennis Nielsen. (I know; strictly speaking, no one ever woke up with Dennis Nielsen.) Also afflicts heterosexuals named Sharon and the majority of Malibu drinkers. Not to be confused with CED: Cosmetic Effect of Distance.
Attitude A popular if poor substitute for style, particularly among those whose mirrors have cruelly begun to bear testimony to the fact that Mr Gravity mugs us all in the end. Same as: Throwing shade.
Bear As in "Won't You Be My Teddy ..." A hirsute hunk; the sort who rips off his T-shirt on the dance floor only to reveal what appears to be a cashmere sweater underneath.
Buysexual You open your wallet, you gets your man. See also: Gay for pay.
Chicken Young gay man with more looks than sense. Not that anyone cares if he can't comment cogently on the failure of the franc on the international markets or debate the merits of Elizabeth Arden's Triple Hydrating Mask.
GAY Stands for: Good As You.
GAL Get A Life.
Daddy As George Michael once sang, "I Want to be Your Father Figure." Or, failing that, your lavatory attendant. Anyway ... a daddy is older, butch and a bit of a stud.
Deader than Disco As in, "Honey, no! Last season's Armani is deader than disco." The same as: "It's over." Now, go to your room and practise.
Door's Ajar Teetering on the cusp of coming out. Will probably do it too if OutRage! doesn't interfere.
Drives on the Other Side of the Road If you're gay, it means he's straight. If you're straight, it means he's gay. See also: Dances at our end of the ballroom; Plays for the other team; Has a previous engagement; Sings in the choir; Tuned into another channel.
Emotional Roadkill The sorry state the sensitive and downright snivelling are reduced to when Mr Right turns out to be Mr Right Now, and a Right Bastard to boot.
Eye Candy Too cute to live.
Fabulous They say "Fab". We say "Fabulous." As in: "That medieval Turkish nipple armour - fabulous!"
Gaydar The seventh sense the Good Lord bestowed upon the brethren to detect their own. Yea, even in a rugby scrum, the Harrods sale or any Israeli-Palestinian peace conference. Not as trustworthy as it used to be, since the advent of the New Man and the relaunch of Insignia.
Heterosexually Challenged Gay. Homosexual. Queer. Fag. Fairy. Pouf. Sissy. Prefers his Pal to his Lassie. And so on.
Hissy fit What happens when a homosexual loses patience, all sense of decorum and his signed copy of Streisand's Back to Broadway album.
Hot Classic fag compliment. You don't have to handsome to be Hot. Hot is a state of mind. You could look like Trotsky or the Terminator: it's something in the way you move. For example: I'm Hot. You're not.
Jurassic Park Any green or wooded cruising area. Also: bar frequented by gay men of a certain age.
Light in the Loafers US term, usually employed in the movie biz: "He could be the next John Wayne but I've heard he's light in the loafers." Not to be confused with: Helium Ankles.
Miss Thing What your best buddy becomes once he takes a turn for the Bette Davis: "If you ever interrupt me in the middle of someone important again, the world will know you're no natural blonde, Miss Thing."
Newsy and Now The fad, fashion, trend. At the moment it's a talking Action Man abseiling from your back pocket.
One of Us It could be you.
Please Homosexual for no: "You want me to do what? Please ..."
PNB Potential New Boyfriend. Often rightly confused with PEB: Potential Ex-Boyfriend.
Prince Albert A genital piercing. John says: Just Say No. Some queens end up with so much metal in them they could body-double for Robocop. And then there's setting off airport security alarms.
Pushing Box Artificially enlarging (socks, shuttlecock, you get the picture).
Part Two next week. Parental guidance advised.
Jo from Northern Ireland was less than impressed by Russell Brand's attempt to stage a publicity stunt
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