The return of the undead
Friday 04 February 2005
So today we once again ask the bitter-sweet question:
Where Are They Now?
IDS was the only British politician of modern times to become known entirely by his initials. Unfortunately, IDS also stood for many other things such as Intrusion Detection Systems, Internet Database System, Internal Digestive System, Irritable Dental Syndrome, etc, etc. He has now decided that with a better set of initials he could still climb back to the top of the greasy Tory pole and is currently changing his name to give himself better initials.
After her recent unfortunate appearance on Celebrity Big Brother, Germaine Greer has decided that she is far too prone to say yes to offers and has decided to cut herself off from humanity altogether to avoid the risk of saying yes to something else. She now roams the woods of one of the Home Counties (which would prefer to remain anonymous), communing with nature and shunning human contact. If you go near her, she will cry out ferociously:
"O come not near
To wild Germaine
That once was mad
But now is sane!
If it's about
A TV show
Go to my agent!
She will say no!"
Michael Barrymore has changed his name to Barry Michaelmore and is launching another comeback.
The ex-Home Secretary is acting as consultant to a law firm which advises burglars on how much force and violence they can use in the course of going about their business.
Having recently gone into the diet business, the famous hypnotist is now writing a book called: "I can make you buy this book. Just stare at my picture. Keep staring. Now go to the cash desk and say, `I want to buy this book'. Go on, do it!" by Paul Mackenna.
She is busy writing and rehearsing another show for presenting at the Edinburgh Fringe this year called I'm a Celebrity - Buy A Ticket And Get In Here!
Sir Edward Heath is running a tough boot camp in the Hampshire countryside where people who have run the Tory party in the past, or nearly run it, can be trained to have another crack at the title when Michael Howard steps down. YDS (Yann Duncan-Smith) is said to be training there under his new initials. Michael Portillo is said to be training in secret. William Hague is said to be training openly. John Redwood is said to be thinking about training. Ann Widdecombe don't say nothing, she just keeps rolling along.
Since being captured by the coalition forces, Saddam Hussein has not been seen or heard of. The Americans claim that he is safely hidden away, but until evidence is found of this, it is becoming very hard to believe that he actually exists. "We went to war in Iraq on the assumption that they had Saddam Hussein concealed somewhere out there," says John Kerry. "This now looks increasingly unlikely."
The Millennium Bug
After his abject failure to make any headway in 2000, the Millennium Bug had a nervous breakdown and retired for a while, but has now undergone retraining and has taken on small roles as various minor computer blips and glitches. He says he has been offered the part of a major virus in a forthcoming Hollywood film.
Threat of 'catastrophic cascade of collisions' must be averted, warn scientists
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Titanfall: Gameplay basics, release date, DLC and everything else you need to know
Britain's top vet sparks controversy with call for ban on slashing animals' throats in 'ritual' slaughters for halal and kosher meat products
Poor 'live like animals' says Boris's privately educated sister after going on 'poverty safari'
Exclusive: Impact of immigrants on British workers ‘negligible’
Vince Cable: Teachers 'know absolutely nothing' about the world of work
Ukraine crisis: Russia pledges to 'retaliate against sanctions' as Ukrainian president says Crimea vote will not be recognised
The quiet diplomat: Catherine Ashton - recognised and admired in all the world’s troubled countries, yet ridiculed at home
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