The return of the undead

Fame is a fickle friend. One day you are a household name, the next you have been put out with the household rubbish. One day you are recognised everywhere, the next you are so forgotten that even Quote Unquote would hesitate to ask you on as a guest. One day you are Rory Bremner, the next you are Mike Yarwood. One day ... but you probably get the idea.

So today we once again ask the bitter-sweet question:

Where Are They Now?

Iain Duncan-Smith.

IDS was the only British politician of modern times to become known entirely by his initials. Unfortunately, IDS also stood for many other things such as Intrusion Detection Systems, Internet Database System, Internal Digestive System, Irritable Dental Syndrome, etc, etc. He has now decided that with a better set of initials he could still climb back to the top of the greasy Tory pole and is currently changing his name to give himself better initials.

Germaine Greer

After her recent unfortunate appearance on Celebrity Big Brother, Germaine Greer has decided that she is far too prone to say yes to offers and has decided to cut herself off from humanity altogether to avoid the risk of saying yes to something else. She now roams the woods of one of the Home Counties (which would prefer to remain anonymous), communing with nature and shunning human contact. If you go near her, she will cry out ferociously:

"O come not near

To wild Germaine

That once was mad

But now is sane!

If it's about

A TV show

Go to my agent!

She will say no!"

Michael Barrymore

Michael Barrymore has changed his name to Barry Michaelmore and is launching another comeback.

David Blunkett

The ex-Home Secretary is acting as consultant to a law firm which advises burglars on how much force and violence they can use in the course of going about their business.

Paul Mackenna

Having recently gone into the diet business, the famous hypnotist is now writing a book called: "I can make you buy this book. Just stare at my picture. Keep staring. Now go to the cash desk and say, `I want to buy this book'. Go on, do it!" by Paul Mackenna.

Janet Street-Porter

She is busy writing and rehearsing another show for presenting at the Edinburgh Fringe this year called I'm a Celebrity - Buy A Ticket And Get In Here!

Ted Heath

Sir Edward Heath is running a tough boot camp in the Hampshire countryside where people who have run the Tory party in the past, or nearly run it, can be trained to have another crack at the title when Michael Howard steps down. YDS (Yann Duncan-Smith) is said to be training there under his new initials. Michael Portillo is said to be training in secret. William Hague is said to be training openly. John Redwood is said to be thinking about training. Ann Widdecombe don't say nothing, she just keeps rolling along.

Saddam Hussein

Since being captured by the coalition forces, Saddam Hussein has not been seen or heard of. The Americans claim that he is safely hidden away, but until evidence is found of this, it is becoming very hard to believe that he actually exists. "We went to war in Iraq on the assumption that they had Saddam Hussein concealed somewhere out there," says John Kerry. "This now looks increasingly unlikely."

The Millennium Bug

After his abject failure to make any headway in 2000, the Millennium Bug had a nervous breakdown and retired for a while, but has now undergone retraining and has taken on small roles as various minor computer blips and glitches. He says he has been offered the part of a major virus in a forthcoming Hollywood film.

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