The Weasel

Ever since a "tall, powerfully built" Yorkshireman with "a bushy, reddish brown beard", who adopted the somewhat unimaginative nom de guerre of "John Johnson", was discovered on 5 November 1605 with 36 barrels of gunpowder in a building adjacent to the Houses of Parliament, we have all experienced a few moments of pyrotechnical drama at the same time of year. The incident so enthrallingly described by Antonia Fraser in her new narrative history The Gunpowder Plot literally resonates through our history. In Oxford's Ashmolean Museum, you can see the lantern, now battered and much decayed, said to have been carried by Guy Fawkes (as John Johnson turned out to be) on his ill-fated mission. The museum sells a kit which enables visitors to construct a model version of the lantern - but being made of cardboard, it is not a very practical source of illumination, whether one's intentions are legitimate or nefarious.

An experience I had a couple of years ago in the vicinity of Weasel Villas gave me a peculiar insight into the stirring events of almost four centuries ago. I should explain that we live in the middle of a short terrace and, at that time, the two adjoining houses on one side of us were empty. One day, a bearded man wearing a large wooden cross round his neck knocked on our door and asked if we could lend him a broom. He turned out to be a squatter who had taken up residence in the empty house next door but one. I thought little more about him until one afternoon, early in November, I was disturbed by a series of explosions.

Glaring out of my bedroom window, I saw our new neighbour giggling to himself, while smoke from his most recent eruption eddied about his scurrying form. On the following day, he gleefully detonated another battery of industrial-strength bangers. It occurred to me that he was probably storing up something really big for 5 November.

On the night itself, we were invited to a neighbour's firework party. This passed most cheerfully until sometime around midnight when our hostess wove her way through the crowded kitchen to where Mrs W and I were absorbing a spot of punch. "Don't worry, your house is all right," she said mystifyingly. "But the house next door but one to you is on fire." In my case, the implications of this statement took a while to sink in, but Mrs W zoomed out into the street at a speed scarcely surpassed by Eurostar on the Calais-Paris stretch. When, glass still in hand, I joined her a few moments later, there were five fire appliances outside, their blue lights revolving like miniature lighthouses. I was heartened by the fact that it was raining heavily.

"Everything will be OK," I told Mrs W, "the rain will soon put the fire out." At that precise moment, the roof of the squatter's house fell in, sending a tremendous flurry of sparks and flames high into the air.

Of course, the fire brigade expertly extinguished the blaze and no harm came to Weasel Villas (unless you count Mrs W being soaked by a fire hose). There was not a sign of the hirsute incendiary. But he turned up a few months later, driving an elderly van covered in cabalistic symbols. When he showed signs of wanting to take up residence in the vacant house immediately next door to ours, I felt obliged to release a few fireworks from our side of the fence. Though only of the verbal variety, they did the trick.

The sudden ubiquity of Redmond O'Hanlon, who is energetically publicising his latest book Congo Journey will have awakened disturbing memories for many people - men in particular. Few chaps who saw the genial explorer's appearance on Terry Wogan's TV chat show in 1988 will ever forget it. On that occasion, he was banging the gong for In Trouble Again, about a foray into deepest Amazonia. Conjuring from his pocket something resembling a modified tea-strainer, O'Hanlon sent shock waves through the male populace when he explained that it was a home-made device intended to protect against a kind of super-stickleback prone to swimming up the human penis. Having raised its spines, the creature was immovable. The only treatment was amputation. I suspect I am not alone in crossing the Amazon basin off my list of potential holiday destinations after absorbing this nugget of natural history.

After reading this week's New Scientist, the Philippines has become another no-go area. I learned that this far-flung archipelago is home to several species of marine snails which reverse the customary order of the food chain. Instead of lying docilely in a yummy butter-and-garlic sauce, the cone-shell snail bites back. It has been discovered that these ingenious molluscs manufacture "hundreds and thousands" of different toxins which they inject via a hollow barb. The poison made by one animal is similar to that of the infamous Japanese fugu fish, while another produces an "electric-eel-like-shock". Fortunately, attacks on humans are rare - though there was one holidaymaker who, admiring a snail's handsome shell, decided to take it ashore. According to the report: "With nowhere better to put it, he stowed it in the lining of his swimming trunks..." And I bet he didn't have a tea-strainer down there.

The minimalist architect John Pawson has produced a picture book devoted to his fashionable creed of bare walls and spartan rooms. As is frequently the case with architects, this admirable restraint does not extend to the price (pounds 60). Entitled Minimum, his glossy scrap-book contains an eclectic variety of structures which receive the Pawson seal of approval. These range from "conical grain silos" in Mexico to the Jodrell Bank radio telescope, from the grid-plan of Manhattan to a three-pronged Georgian fork.

But the example which best enshrines the principle of minimalism is the Humber Bridge - though the reason for this is not made clear by Pawson's somewhat opaque caption: "The extreme forces that the structure has to withstand are rendered almost invisible by the elegance of the structural solution adapted." (Surely the forces of wind and gravity are invisible to begin with?) As a Yorkshireman (born Halifax, 1949 - the same place and year as the Weasel), Pawson should know the real reason why the Humber Bridge is a perfect paradigm of his doctrine. As local folk have pointed out from the moment that the structure, which links rural Lincolnshire with the outskirts of Hull, was first announced by Barbara Castle: "It joins nowt to nowt."

Have you noticed any strange vibrations of spectral illuminations in your newsagents recently? Well, you will do soon, because issue No 1 of Uri Geller's Encounters ("The World's Most Paranormal Magazine") boasts a "free Uri Geller Empowered Quartz Crystal". Inside, we can learn "10 Facts You Never Knew About Uri Geller", including the revelation that: "Mysterious objects resembling archaeological relics often appear around Uri - nobody has any idea how they got there." Exploring life beyond Geller, the journal reveals that "Britain's No 1 Ghost Buster" Graham Wyley is "one of only two people" who can touch a 9-inch-tall skeleton "without falling victim to a terrible incident". But weirdest of all is the fact that this inaugural edition advertises back numbers. Apparently, issues 5-12 are available, but numbers 1-4 have sold out. Close inspection reveals that these are entitled Encounters rather than Uri Geller's Encounters - but it's still spooky for a publication which describes itself as "NEW!"

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebooksA superb mix of recipes serving up the freshest of local produce in a delicious range of styles
Life and Style
ebooksFrom the lifespan of a slug to the distance to the Sun: answers to 500 questions from readers
Mock the tweet: Ukip leader Nigel Farage and comedian Frankie Boyle
peopleIt was a polite exchange of words, as you can imagine
Life and Style
Life and Style
Britons buy more than 30 million handsets each year, keeping them for an average of 18 months
Arts and Entertainment
TV Presenters Ant McPartlin and Dec Donnelly. Winners of the 'Entertainment Programme' award for 'Ant and Dec's Saturday Night Takeaway'
musicAnt and Dec confirmed as hosts of next year's Brit Awards
Arts and Entertainment
Orson Welles made Citizen Kane at 25, and battled with Hollywood film studios thereafter
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Humanities and Economics Teacher - January 2015 - Malaysia

    £18000 - £20400 per annum + Accommodation, Flights, Medical Cover: Randstad Ed...

    SEN Teaching Assistant needed for long term assignment

    £45 - £55 per day: Randstad Education Preston: We are looking for an experienc...

    Primary Teachers Required in King's Lynn

    Negotiable: Randstad Education Cambridge: Primary Teachers needed in King's Ly...

    Primary Teachers needed in Ely

    Negotiable: Randstad Education Cambridge: Primary Teacher needed in the Ely ar...

    Day In a Page

    Isis in Syria: A general reveals the lack of communication with the US - and his country's awkward relationship with their allies-by-default

    A Syrian general speaks

    A senior officer of Bashar al-Assad’s regime talks to Robert Fisk about his army’s brutal struggle with Isis, in a dirty war whose challenges include widespread atrocities
    ‘A bit of a shock...’ Cambridge economist with Glasgow roots becomes Zambia’s acting President

    ‘A bit of a shock...’ Economist with Glasgow roots becomes Zambia’s acting President

    Guy Scott's predecessor, Michael Sata, died in a London hospital this week after a lengthy illness
    Fall of the Berlin Wall: History catches up with Erich Honecker - the East German leader who praised the Iron Curtain and claimed it prevented a Third World War

    Fall of the Berlin Wall

    History catches up with Erich Honecker - the East German leader who praised the Iron Curtain and claimed it prevented a Third World War
    How to turn your mobile phone into easy money

    Turn your mobile phone into easy money

    There are 90 million unused mobiles in the UK, which would be worth £7bn if we cashed them in, says David Crookes
    Independent writers remember their Saturday jobs:

    Independent writers remember their Saturday jobs

    "I have never regarded anything I have done in "the media" as a proper job"
    Lyricist Richard Thomas shares his 11-step recipe for creating a hit West End musical

    11-step recipe for creating a West End hit

    Richard Thomas, the lyricist behind the Jerry Springer and Anna Nicole Smith operas, explains how Bob Dylan, 'Breaking Bad' and even Noam Chomsky inspired his songbook for the new musical 'Made in Dagenham'
    Tonke Dragt's The Letter for the King has finally been translated into English ... 50 years on

    Buried treasure: The Letter for the King

    The coming-of-age tale about a boy and his mission to save a mythical kingdom has sold a million copies since it was written by an eccentric Dutchwoman in 1962. Yet until last year, no one had read it in English
    Can instilling a sense of entrepreneurship in pupils have a positive effect on their learning?

    The school that means business

    Richard Garner heads to Lancashire, where developing the 'dragons' of the future is also helping one community academy to achieve its educational goals
    10 best tablets

    The world in your pocket: 10 best tablets

    They’re thin, they’re light, you can use them for work on the move or keeping entertained
    Lutz Pfannenstiel: The goalkeeper who gave up Bayern Munich for the Crazy Gang, Bradford and a whirlwind trawl across continents

    Lutz Pfannenstiel interview

    The goalkeeper who gave up Bayern Munich for the Crazy Gang, Bradford and a whirlwind trawl across continents
    Pete Jenson: Popular Jürgen Klopp can reignite Borussia Dortmund’s season with visit to Bayern Munich

    Pete Jenson's a Different League

    Popular Klopp can reignite Dortmund’s season with visit to Bayern
    John Cantlie video proves that Isis expects victory in Kobani

    Cantlie video proves that Isis expects victory in Kobani

    The use of the British hostage demonstrates once again the militants' skill and originality in conducting a propaganda war, says Patrick Cockburn
    The killer instinct: The man who helps students spot potential murderers

    The killer instinct

    Phil Chalmers travels the US warning students how to spot possible future murderers, but can his contentious methods really stop the bloodshed?
    Clothing the gap: A new exhibition celebrates women who stood apart from the fashion herd

    Clothing the gap

    A new exhibition celebrates women who stood apart from the fashion herd
    Fall of the Berlin Wall: Goodbye to all that - the lost world beyond the Iron Curtain

    The Fall of the Berlin Wall

    Goodbye to all that - the lost world beyond the Iron Curtain