Trolley Life

This week I met my first supermarket misogynist. The worrying thing is that I rather liked him, but then he did rescue me from transport hell. This all took place on Saturday afternoon during what should have been a short trip from south Clapham to north Clapham. A bus will be along any minute, I thought, or at least a taxi. After 20 minutes, I realised I had entered one of those transport black holes where no taxi is ever seen and where buses only drive by on the way to another, probably mythical, stop. Drastic measures were required and so I stood by an intersection and, whenever I saw a bus, jumped up and down and waved. The first bus driver was not impressed, nor the second but the third, driving a shiny 345, took pity and opened the door.

I jumped in and found myself, quite simply, in another world. The bus was full, the windows steamy and the crowd friendly. "Can I ask you not to go on the top deck? We're still renovating," cried the driver, beaming. The crowd laughed. It was not a double-decker. Had I'd entered a sit-com? I sat down and the woman on my right looked at me. "Asda?" she asked. I almost said "No, Ann, actually" when I realised this was her only English word. She repeated it. "Asda?" cried the driver. "Don't ask me about Asda! Supermarkets aren't for men. I have a lady who does that. That's what women are for. The last time I went shopping was in 1946. I went to Woolworth's and lost all my money! No place for a man."

The woman behind me is laughing so hard that the seat is moving. "I've got four ex-wives," cried the driver. "It's true what they say, you know, you never see an ex-wife on a bicycle. They all drive BMWs. There are three ways to get a woman. Borrow, steal or marry one. Borrowing is the cheapest. Marrying them is expensive. Don't do it! It's true, you know, you never see an ex-wife on a bicycle!"

He pauses, but only to draw breath. "I saw one of my ex-wives the other day and she said `Take off your trousers'. Well, I thought that was rather cheeky because it had been a while. But then I might just have got lucky. But when I turned round she'd taken my trousers and all my money too!"

The bus groaned. I did a reality check. Was this really happening? The foreigners got off with a man and the driver pounced. "Now remember, Sir! No supermarkets. No place for a man! You never see an ex-wife on a bicycle!" Nor a bus, I thought, and I am pretty sure I know why.

Voices
voicesGood for Lana Del Rey for helping kill that myth, writes Grace Dent
News
The University of California study monitored the reaction of 36 dogs
sciencePets' range of emotions revealed
Life and Style
fashion Designs are part of feminist art project by a British student
Arts and Entertainment
The nomination of 'The Wake' by Paul Kingsnorth has caused a stir
books
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookA wonderful selection of salads, starters and mains featuring venison, grouse and other game
News
Snoop Dogg pictured at The Hollywood Reporter Nominees' Night in February, 2013
people... says Snoop Dogg
News
i100
Life and Style
food + drinkZebra meat is exotic and lean - but does it taste good?
Arts and Entertainment
Residents of Derby Road in Southampton oppose filming of Channel 4 documentary Immigration Street in their community
tv
Voices
voicesSiobhan Norton on why she eventually changed her mind
Arts and Entertainment
The Tour de France peloton rides over a bridge on the Grinton Moor, Yorkshire, earlier this month
film
News
i100
Extras
indybest
Sport
Scottish singer Susan Boyle will perform at the Commonwealth Games opening ceremony in Glasgow
commonwealth games
Arts and Entertainment
Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson stars in Hercules
filmReview: The Rock is a muscular Davy Crockett in this preposterous film, says Geoffrey Macnab
Life and Style
tech
Independent
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
santorini
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    VB.Net Developer

    £35000 - £45000 per annum + competitive: Progressive Recruitment: If you're pa...

    SAP Business Consultant (SD, MM and FICO), £55,000, Wakefield

    £45000 - £55000 per annum + competitive: Progressive Recruitment: SAP Business...

    Java Developer

    £40000 - £60000 per annum + competitive: Progressive Recruitment: My client, a...

    SAP Functional Consultant (SD, MM and FICO), £45,000 - £55,000.

    £45000 - £55000 per annum + Benefits: Progressive Recruitment: SAP Functional ...

    Day In a Page

    Noel Fielding's 'Luxury Comedy': A land of the outright bizarre

    Noel Fielding's 'Luxury Comedy'

    A land of the outright bizarre
    What are the worst 'Word Crimes'?

    What are the worst 'Word Crimes'?

    ‘Weird Al’ Yankovic's latest video is an ode to good grammar. But what do The Independent’s experts think he’s missed out?
    Can Secret Cinema sell 80,000 'Back to the Future' tickets?

    The worst kept secret in cinema

    A cult movie event aims to immerse audiences of 80,000 in ‘Back to the Future’. But has it lost its magic?
    Facebook: The new hatched, matched and dispatched

    The new hatched, matched and dispatched

    Family events used to be marked in the personal columns. But now Facebook has usurped the ‘Births, Deaths and Marriages’ announcements
    Why do we have blood types?

    Are you my type?

    All of us have one but probably never wondered why. Yet even now, a century after blood types were discovered, it’s a matter of debate what they’re for
    Honesty box hotels: You decide how much you pay

    Honesty box hotels

    Five hotels in Paris now allow guests to pay only what they think their stay was worth. It seems fraught with financial risk, but the honesty policy has its benefit
    Commonwealth Games 2014: Why weight of pressure rests easy on Michael Jamieson’s shoulders

    Michael Jamieson: Why weight of pressure rests easy on his shoulders

    The Scottish swimmer is ready for ‘the biggest race of my life’ at the Commonwealth Games
    Some are reformed drug addicts. Some are single mums. All are on benefits. But now these so-called 'scroungers’ are fighting back

    The 'scroungers’ fight back

    The welfare claimants battling to alter stereotypes
    Amazing video shows Nasa 'flame extinguishment experiment' in action

    Fireballs in space

    Amazing video shows Nasa's 'flame extinguishment experiment' in action
    A Bible for billionaires

    A Bible for billionaires

    Find out why America's richest men are reading John Brookes
    Paranoid parenting is on the rise - and our children are suffering because of it

    Paranoid parenting is on the rise

    And our children are suffering because of it
    For sale: Island where the Magna Carta was sealed

    Magna Carta Island goes on sale

    Yours for a cool £4m
    Phone hacking scandal special report: The slide into crime at the 'News of the World'

    The hacker's tale: the slide into crime at the 'News of the World'

    Glenn Mulcaire was jailed for six months for intercepting phone messages. James Hanning tells his story in a new book. This is an extract
    We flinch, but there are degrees of paedophilia

    We flinch, but there are degrees of paedophilia

    Child abusers are not all the same, yet the idea of treating them differently in relation to the severity of their crimes has somehow become controversial
    The truth about conspiracy theories is that some require considering

    The truth about conspiracy theories is that some require considering

    For instance, did Isis kill the Israeli teenagers to trigger a war, asks Patrick Cockburn