Trolley Life

This week I met my first supermarket misogynist. The worrying thing is that I rather liked him, but then he did rescue me from transport hell. This all took place on Saturday afternoon during what should have been a short trip from south Clapham to north Clapham. A bus will be along any minute, I thought, or at least a taxi. After 20 minutes, I realised I had entered one of those transport black holes where no taxi is ever seen and where buses only drive by on the way to another, probably mythical, stop. Drastic measures were required and so I stood by an intersection and, whenever I saw a bus, jumped up and down and waved. The first bus driver was not impressed, nor the second but the third, driving a shiny 345, took pity and opened the door.

I jumped in and found myself, quite simply, in another world. The bus was full, the windows steamy and the crowd friendly. "Can I ask you not to go on the top deck? We're still renovating," cried the driver, beaming. The crowd laughed. It was not a double-decker. Had I'd entered a sit-com? I sat down and the woman on my right looked at me. "Asda?" she asked. I almost said "No, Ann, actually" when I realised this was her only English word. She repeated it. "Asda?" cried the driver. "Don't ask me about Asda! Supermarkets aren't for men. I have a lady who does that. That's what women are for. The last time I went shopping was in 1946. I went to Woolworth's and lost all my money! No place for a man."

The woman behind me is laughing so hard that the seat is moving. "I've got four ex-wives," cried the driver. "It's true what they say, you know, you never see an ex-wife on a bicycle. They all drive BMWs. There are three ways to get a woman. Borrow, steal or marry one. Borrowing is the cheapest. Marrying them is expensive. Don't do it! It's true, you know, you never see an ex-wife on a bicycle!"

He pauses, but only to draw breath. "I saw one of my ex-wives the other day and she said `Take off your trousers'. Well, I thought that was rather cheeky because it had been a while. But then I might just have got lucky. But when I turned round she'd taken my trousers and all my money too!"

The bus groaned. I did a reality check. Was this really happening? The foreigners got off with a man and the driver pounced. "Now remember, Sir! No supermarkets. No place for a man! You never see an ex-wife on a bicycle!" Nor a bus, I thought, and I am pretty sure I know why.

News
peopleFrankie Boyle responds to referendum result in characteristically offensive style
Sport
Lewis Hamilton will start the Singapore Grand Prix from pole, with Nico Rosberg second and Daniel Ricciardo third
F1... for floodlit Singapore Grand Prix
Arts and Entertainment
'New Tricks' star Dennis Waterman is departing from the show after he completes filming on two more episodes
tvHe is only remaining member of original cast
Arts and Entertainment
tvHighs and lows of the cast's careers since 2004
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebooksA superb mix of recipes serving up the freshest of local produce in a delicious range of styles
Life and Style
ebooksFrom the lifespan of a slug to the distance to the Sun: answers to 500 questions from readers
Sport
Fans hold up a scarf at West Ham vs Liverpool
footballAfter Arsenal's clear victory, focus turns to West Ham vs Liverpool
New Articles
i100... she's just started school
News
news
New Articles
i100
Life and Style
Couples have been having sex less in 2014, according to a new survey
life
Arts and Entertainment
musicBiographer Hunter Davies has collected nearly a hundred original manuscripts
Sport
football
New Articles
i100... despite rising prices
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Qualified Primary Teaching Assistant

    £64 - £73 per day + Competitive rates based on experience : Randstad Education...

    Primary KS2 NQTs required in Lambeth

    £117 - £157 per day + Competitive London rates: Randstad Education Group: * Pr...

    Primary NQTs required in Lambeth

    £117 - £157 per day + Competitive London rates: Randstad Education Group: * Pr...

    Primary NQTs required in Lambeth

    £117 - £157 per day + Competitive London rates: Randstad Education Group: * Pr...

    Day In a Page

    Scottish referendum: The Yes vote was the love that dared speak its name, but it was not to be

    Despite the result, this is the end of the status quo

    Boyd Tonkin on the fall-out from the Scottish referendum
    Manolo Blahnik: The high priest of heels talks flats, Englishness, and why he loves Mary Beard

    Manolo Blahnik: Flats, Englishness, and Mary Beard

    The shoe designer who has been dubbed 'the patron saint of the stiletto'
    The Beatles biographer reveals exclusive original manuscripts of some of the best pop songs ever written

    Scrambled eggs and LSD

    Behind The Beatles' lyrics - thanks to Hunter Davis's original manuscript copies
    'Normcore' fashion: Blending in is the new standing out in latest catwalk non-trend

    'Normcore': Blending in is the new standing out

    Just when fashion was in grave danger of running out of trends, it only went and invented the non-trend. Rebecca Gonsalves investigates
    Dance’s new leading ladies fight back: How female vocalists are now writing their own hits

    New leading ladies of dance fight back

    How female vocalists are now writing their own hits
    Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

    A shot in the dark

    Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
    His life, the universe and everything

    His life, the universe and everything

    New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
    Save us from small screen superheroes

    Save us from small screen superheroes

    Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
    Reach for the skies

    Reach for the skies

    From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
    These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

    12 best hotel spas in the UK

    Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments
    These Iranian-controlled Shia militias used to specialise in killing American soldiers. Now they are fighting Isis, backed up by US airstrikes

    Widespread fear of Isis is producing strange bedfellows

    Iranian-controlled Shia militias that used to kill American soldiers are now fighting Isis, helped by US airstrikes
    Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

    Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

    Shoppers don't come to Topshop for the unique
    How to make a Lego masterpiece

    How to make a Lego masterpiece

    Toy breaks out of the nursery and heads for the gallery
    Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

    Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

    Urbanites are cursed with an acronym pointing to Employed but No Disposable Income or Savings
    Paisley’s decision to make peace with IRA enemies might remind the Arabs of Sadat

    Ian Paisley’s decision to make peace with his IRA enemies

    His Save Ulster from Sodomy campaign would surely have been supported by many a Sunni imam