virgin on the net

As she undressed, she kept asking, 'Now Digby, does this titillate you?'

Tuesday 21 May 1996

20.07.19

Dear Rudy. Where was I? Oh yes. Being dragged off by a surprisingly strong Hera towards her room in the Computer Staff's Union country residence somewhere in East Anglia. What was going through my mind? That the last thing I had expected when agreeing to join her on a Pornography Awareness Weekend was a close encounter of the fourth kind.

The surprises did not end there. As she undressed slowly in front of me Hera kept asking, "Now Digby, does this titillate you? And what about this?" If I had to guess which of us had been most behaviourally affected by the creaking blue movies we had just seen, then my vote would go to Hera.

I won't go into detail. At first I was a bit shy, never having slept with a leading feminist before. I kept on worrying that she might subject my technique to criticism. "How typical of a man to put his finger there", "Don't you know that cunnilingus is the only thing a real woman responds to?", or "Where exactly do you think you are going with that?" I had also been told that radfems had little respect for a man's sensibilities and tended to wrench his bits about with the delicacy of stock-car driver.

But it wasn't really like that. True, she was a bit bossy. "I think that's enough foreplay for now," she declared at one point, "time for penetration!" That was at nine o'clock. And at half-past ten. And again at two in the morning. And (I think) at dawn. The last time, just as she was reaching what the textbooks always call her "climax", I thought she muttered "Oh, Dildo!" instead of "Oh Digby". Which was a bit offputting. I suppose that if I had been a woman I would probably have resisted her advances, in the way that women do. I quite fancied her, when I thought about it, but didn't think it'd work. But somehow when a woman over 16 and under 60 drops her fingers on to my lap, all my misgivings disappear.

Oh - and yesterday, following a gas-leak alarm at her commune in Shepherd's Bush, Hera arrived outside the flat in a taxi, carrying an unnecessarily large suitcase. "You don't mind if I stay a while, do you, lover?" she asked in tones that were part affectionate and part commanding. So here she is - it's all a bit like having an affair with your own great-aunt. I'll keep you posted.

Sig exhausted (but happy) Dig

Wednesday 22 May 1996

21.30.19

Posted in alt.newsgroups.civildefence

In light of the current crisis in relations between Britain and Europe, and the escalating deterioration, could anyone out there give me straightforward advice on defending houses and flats against conventionally armed Cruise missiles or ordinary bombs? (It is very unlikely - but not totally impossible - that France might use her nuclear weapons against us.)

Sig Digby and Hera.

Wednesday 22 May 1996

23.47.32

Posted in alt.newsgroups.civildefence

In response to the clever flames from some of my complacent fellow-countrymen, let me ask these questions: did not an entire World War grow out of a chapter of accidents on the European continent? Have not almost all of our highest circulation newspapers described this as a "declaration of war"? Have not men throughout history sought recourse to arms in an attempt to prop up their own section of the patriarchy? You may sneer now, but tomorrow you may be weeping!

Sig Hera and Dig

Thursday 23 May 1996

21.04.45

Mountain-man. Very clever. How to hunt the ice-zebra nearly had me fooled, but "on the trail of the man-eating snow-slug" gave you away. I take it that all your stuff on how to kill a grizzly was bollocks, too, and that you have successfully wasted a great deal of my time.

Thanks. I hope one day that someone does the same to you.

Digby Ponder

Sunday 26 May 1996

11.32.25

Dear Rudy. Sorry I couldn't get back to you, but for the past couple of days I haven't been able to get near the screen. Hera has decided to launch a one-woman campaign against porn on the Net, which she is prosecuting with great determination. It consists of her reading all the entries in the various sex newsgroups and then writing messages to the authors analysing their varying sicknesses and perversions: e-mails asking chaps questions like "and just why do you think any woman would want to do that with you?", and "do you speak like that to your parents?"

I'm only able to mail you now, because - after seven hours' solid messaging - she fell asleep in the middle of telling some teenager from Iowa that she was going to write to his mother if he described once more how he gives himself the best handjobs in the world.

Tant pis, as our enemies across the Channel have it.

Dig.

Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebooks
ebookA delicious collection of 50 meaty main courses
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

SPONSORED FEATURES

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: Project Assistant

    £17000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: They are a leading company in the field ...

    Recruitment Genius: DBA Developer - SQL Server

    £30000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is an exciting opportunity...

    Recruitment Genius: Office Manager

    £26041 - £34876 per annum: Recruitment Genius: There has never been a more exc...

    Recruitment Genius: Travel Customer Service and Experience Manager

    £14000 - £17000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: The fastest growing travel comp...

    Day In a Page

    Blairites be warned, this could be the moment Labour turns into Syriza

    Andrew Grice: Inside Westminster

    Blairites be warned, this could be the moment Labour turns into Syriza
    HMS Victory: The mystery of Britain's worst naval disaster is finally solved - 271 years later

    The mystery of Britain's worst naval disaster is finally solved - 271 years later

    Exclusive: David Keys reveals the research that finally explains why HMS Victory went down with the loss of 1,100 lives
    Survivors of the Nagasaki atomic bomb attack: Japan must not abandon its post-war pacifism

    'I saw people so injured you couldn't tell if they were dead or alive'

    Nagasaki survivors on why Japan must not abandon its post-war pacifism
    Jon Stewart: The voice of Democrats who felt Obama had failed to deliver on his 'Yes We Can' slogan, and the voter he tried hardest to keep onside

    The voter Obama tried hardest to keep onside

    Outgoing The Daily Show host, Jon Stewart, became the voice of Democrats who felt the President had failed to deliver on his ‘Yes We Can’ slogan. Tim Walker charts the ups and downs of their 10-year relationship on screen
    RuPaul interview: The drag star on being inspired by Bowie, never fitting in, and saying the first thing that comes into your head

    RuPaul interview

    The drag star on being inspired by Bowie, never fitting in, and saying the first thing that comes into your head
    Secrets of comedy couples: What's it like when both you and your partner are stand-ups?

    Secrets of comedy couples

    What's it like when both you and your partner are stand-ups?
    Satya Nadella: As Windows 10 is launched can he return Microsoft to its former glory?

    Satya Nadella: The man to clean up for Windows?

    While Microsoft's founders spend their billions, the once-invincible tech company's new boss is trying to save it
    The best swimwear for men: From trunks to shorts, make a splash this summer

    The best swimwear for men

    From trunks to shorts, make a splash this summer
    Mark Hix recipes: Our chef tries his hand at a spot of summer foraging

    Mark Hix goes summer foraging

     A dinner party doesn't have to mean a trip to the supermarket
    Ashes 2015: With an audacious flourish, home hero Ian Bell ends all debate

    With an audacious flourish, the home hero ends all debate

    Ian Bell advances to Trent Bridge next week almost as undroppable as Alastair Cook and Joe Root, a cornerstone of England's new thinking, says Kevin Garside
    Aaron Ramsey interview: Wales midfielder determined to be centre of attention for Arsenal this season

    Aaron Ramsey interview

    Wales midfielder determined to be centre of attention for Arsenal this season
    Community Shield: Arsene Wenger needs to strike first blow in rivalry with Jose Mourinho

    Community Shield gives Wenger chance to strike first blow in rivalry with Mourinho

    As long as the Arsenal manager's run of games without a win over his Chelsea counterpart continues it will continue to dominate the narrative around the two men
    The unlikely rise of AFC Bournemouth - and what it says about English life

    Unlikely rise of AFC Bournemouth

    Bournemouth’s elevation to football’s top tier is one of the most improbable of recent times. But it’s illustrative of deeper and wider changes in English life
    A Very British Coup, part two: New novel in pipeline as Jeremy Corbyn's rise inspires sequel

    A Very British Coup, part two

    New novel in pipeline as Jeremy Corbyn's rise inspires sequel
    Philae lander data show comets could have brought 'building blocks of life' to Earth

    Philae lander data show comets could have brought 'building blocks of life' to Earth

    Icy dust layer holds organic compounds similar to those found in living organisms