Water. It was wet. It came from the sky ...

Trevor Newton, the chief executive of Yorkshire Water, has advised his drought-hit customers to do as he does and skip baths and showers. What will he think of next? Let's leap forward nine months and see what Mr Newton and his team have come up with

Memo to all staff 21 June 1996

From Trevor Newton

As most of you will know, today marks a very special anniversary for Christine and me. It is now exactly a year since we last bathed or showered. In that time we have discovered a number of other exciting ways to cut back on water usage in Yorkshire and it is these that I want to share with you.

1. Beer. We now boil all our food in this valuable local resource. It also makes a splendid car windscreen wash and hair shampoo - though I should point out that the "number two" close-cropped haircuts that Christine and I adopted in the spring have virtually eliminated the need for frequent shampooing.

2. Lavatories. Frequent flushing wastes gallons. By cutting fibre out of our diet - fruit, vegetables, muesli - we've managed to keep our visits to three a week with a minimum of side-effects. When visiting less drought- hit regions, however, we do take the chance to treat ourselves in hotels and restaurants.

3. Washing-up. Nomads and desert adventurers have always used sand to clean their plates. We now keep a sack of it from Scarborough beach in the kitchen, pop the theme from Lawrence of Arabia on the record player and have everything spick and span in a matter of three or four hours.

4. Lawns. Painful as this will be, I think we must accept that grassy lawns now qualify as "sites of special scientific interest". My own has now gone "back to basics", but the selection of boulders and cacti is much loved by friends and family and may well be entered for this year's Best Kept Garden award.

Lawn bowls as a sport has clearly altered somewhat. I would like, therefore, to invite you all to enter this summer's Yorkshire Water Petanque Championships, for which the prize is a week in a French spa town - accommodation and unlimited baths included.

5. Washing. Last year a scientist confirmed that washing with a damp sponge is quite satisfactory, as long as attention is paid to the armpits, feet and crotch areas. I'm happy to announce that as of this week I've eliminated the sponge. I now find that a few vigorous strokes with a pumice stone are perfectly adequate.

6. Drinking water. Exciting news. The Scots laughed at us, but the French came up trumps. The Evian pipeline has now reached Calais and we expect to be "on-line", mineral water-wise, by Christmas!

We are all looking for innovative ways to cut back on usage and make the company money. Thus I hope to have more details soon of the Yorkshire Water Diet. We're all of us made up of 80 per cent water: stop drinking it and the pounds fall off.

PS: I've an anonymous note that says "Remember what Sarah Miles used to drink." Will anyone who can shed any light please see me?

Arts and Entertainment
Attenborough with the primates
tvWhy BBC producers didn't want to broadcast Sir David Attenborough's famed Rwandan encounter
News
people
News
Campbell: ‘Sometimes you have to be economical with the truth’
newsFormer spin doctor says MPs should study tactics of leading sports figures like José Mourinho
News
news
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Life and Style
ebookNow available in paperback
ebooks
ebookPart of The Independent’s new eBook series The Great Composers
Voices
Lance Corporal Joshua Leakey VC
voicesBeware of imitations, but the words of the soldier awarded the Victoria Cross were the real thing, says DJ Taylor
Life and Style
Alexander McQueen's AW 2009/10 collection during Paris Fashion Week
fashionMeet the collaborators who helped create the late designer’s notorious spectacles
Sport
football
News
i100
News
Perry says: 'Psychiatrists give help because they need help. You would not be working in mental health if you didn't have a curiosity about how the mind works.'
people
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs General

    Recruitment Genius: Bookkeeper / Office Co-ordinator

    £9 per hour: Recruitment Genius: This role is based within a small family run ...

    Recruitment Genius: Designer - Print & Digital

    £28000 - £32000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This Design and marketing agenc...

    Recruitment Genius: Quantity Surveyor

    £46000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This property investment firm are lookin...

    Recruitment Genius: Telesales / Telemarketing Executive - OTE £30k / £35k plus

    £18000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company specialises provid...

    Day In a Page

    War with Isis: Fears that the looming battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

    The battle for Mosul will unleash 'a million refugees'

    Aid agencies prepare for vast exodus following planned Iraqi offensive against the Isis-held city, reports Patrick Cockburn
    Yvette Cooper: We can't lose the election. There's too much on the line

    Yvette Cooper: We can't lose the election. There's too much on the line

    The shadow Home Secretary on fighting radical Islam, protecting children, and why anyone in Labour who's thinking beyond May must 'sort themselves out'
    A bad week for the Greens: Leader Natalie Bennett's 'car crash' radio interview is followed by Brighton council's failure to set a budget due to infighting

    It's not easy being Green

    After a bad week in which its leader had a public meltdown and its only city council couldn't agree on a budget vote, what next for the alternative party? It's over to Caroline Lucas to find out
    Gorillas nearly missed: BBC producers didn't want to broadcast Sir David Attenborough's famed Rwandan encounter

    Gorillas nearly missed

    BBC producers didn't want to broadcast Sir David Attenborough's famed Rwandan encounter
    Downton Abbey effect sees impoverished Italian nobles inspired to open their doors to paying guests for up to €650 a night

    The Downton Abbey effect

    Impoverished Italian nobles are opening their doors to paying guests, inspired by the TV drama
    China's wild panda numbers have increased by 17% since 2003, new census reveals

    China's wild panda numbers on the up

    New census reveals 17% since 2003
    Barbara Woodward: Britain's first female ambassador to China intends to forge strong links with the growing economic superpower

    Our woman in Beijing builds a new relationship

    Britain's first female ambassador to China intends to forge strong links with growing economic power
    Courage is rare. True humility is even rarer. But the only British soldier to be awarded the Victoria Cross in Afghanistan has both

    Courage is rare. True humility is even rarer

    Beware of imitations, but the words of the soldier awarded the Victoria Cross were the real thing, says DJ Taylor
    Alexander McQueen: The catwalk was a stage for the designer's astonishing and troubling vision

    Alexander McQueen's astonishing vision

    Ahead of a major retrospective, Alexander Fury talks to the collaborators who helped create the late designer's notorious spectacle
    New BBC series savours half a century of food in Britain, from Vesta curries to nouvelle cuisine

    Dinner through the decades

    A new BBC series challenged Brandon Robshaw and his family to eat their way from the 1950s to the 1990s
    Philippa Perry interview: The psychotherapist on McDonald's, fancy specs and meeting Grayson Perry on an evening course

    Philippa Perry interview

    The psychotherapist on McDonald's, fancy specs and meeting Grayson Perry on an evening course
    Bill Granger recipes: Our chef recreates the exoticism of the Indonesian stir-fry

    Bill Granger's Indonesian stir-fry recipes

    Our chef was inspired by the south-east Asian cuisine he encountered as a teenager
    Chelsea vs Tottenham: Harry Kane was at Wembley to see Spurs beat the Blues and win the Capital One Cup - now he's their great hope

    Harry Kane interview

    The striker was at Wembley to see Spurs beat the Blues and win the Capital One Cup - now he's their great hope
    The Last Word: For the good of the game: why on earth don’t we leave Fifa?

    Michael Calvin's Last Word

    For the good of the game: why on earth don’t we leave Fifa?
    HIV pill: Scientists hail discovery of 'game-changer' that cuts the risk of infection among gay men by 86%

    Scientists hail daily pill that protects against HIV infection

    Breakthrough in battle against global scourge – but will the NHS pay for it?