Water. It was wet. It came from the sky ...
Thursday 21 September 1995
Memo to all staff 21 June 1996
From Trevor Newton
As most of you will know, today marks a very special anniversary for Christine and me. It is now exactly a year since we last bathed or showered. In that time we have discovered a number of other exciting ways to cut back on water usage in Yorkshire and it is these that I want to share with you.
1. Beer. We now boil all our food in this valuable local resource. It also makes a splendid car windscreen wash and hair shampoo - though I should point out that the "number two" close-cropped haircuts that Christine and I adopted in the spring have virtually eliminated the need for frequent shampooing.
2. Lavatories. Frequent flushing wastes gallons. By cutting fibre out of our diet - fruit, vegetables, muesli - we've managed to keep our visits to three a week with a minimum of side-effects. When visiting less drought- hit regions, however, we do take the chance to treat ourselves in hotels and restaurants.
3. Washing-up. Nomads and desert adventurers have always used sand to clean their plates. We now keep a sack of it from Scarborough beach in the kitchen, pop the theme from Lawrence of Arabia on the record player and have everything spick and span in a matter of three or four hours.
4. Lawns. Painful as this will be, I think we must accept that grassy lawns now qualify as "sites of special scientific interest". My own has now gone "back to basics", but the selection of boulders and cacti is much loved by friends and family and may well be entered for this year's Best Kept Garden award.
Lawn bowls as a sport has clearly altered somewhat. I would like, therefore, to invite you all to enter this summer's Yorkshire Water Petanque Championships, for which the prize is a week in a French spa town - accommodation and unlimited baths included.
5. Washing. Last year a scientist confirmed that washing with a damp sponge is quite satisfactory, as long as attention is paid to the armpits, feet and crotch areas. I'm happy to announce that as of this week I've eliminated the sponge. I now find that a few vigorous strokes with a pumice stone are perfectly adequate.
6. Drinking water. Exciting news. The Scots laughed at us, but the French came up trumps. The Evian pipeline has now reached Calais and we expect to be "on-line", mineral water-wise, by Christmas!
We are all looking for innovative ways to cut back on usage and make the company money. Thus I hope to have more details soon of the Yorkshire Water Diet. We're all of us made up of 80 per cent water: stop drinking it and the pounds fall off.
PS: I've an anonymous note that says "Remember what Sarah Miles used to drink." Will anyone who can shed any light please see me?
Life & Style blogs
WWE 2K15 gameplay trailer: First look at Sting, Triple H and Daniel Bryan in next-gen graphics
iOS 8 apps and features: eight iPhone settings you need to look at after you install the update
iPhone 'Wave': iOS 8 hoax claims you can charge your iPhone in the microwave - you can't
First day of Autumn: Google Doodle celebrates 2014 Autumn equinox
What are your fingerprint words?
Scotland could still declare independence – even without referendum, says Alex Salmond
Scottish referendum results: Cross-party consensus collapses amid Tory-Labour spat on the 'English question'
Hilary Mantel 'should be investigated by police' over Margaret Thatcher assassination story, says Lord Bell
Scottish independence: David Cameron is becoming the 'George Bush of Britain'
Plebgate MP Andrew Mitchell called officer a 'little s**t', claim court documents 'exposing ex-Chief Whip's 'record of abusing police'
Archbishop of Canterbury admits doubts about existence of God
- 1 Rihanna 'nude pictures' claims emerge on 4Chan as hacking scandal continues
- 2 Kim Kardashian 'nude photos' leaked on 4chan weeks after Jennifer Lawrence scandal
- 3 'F*ck it, I quit': KTVA reporter Charlo Greene quits live on air in spectacular fashion
- 4 What are your fingerprint words?
- 5 Gary Lineker involved in Twitter row after presenter rubbishes claims he will be warned by BBC over foul-mouthed tweets
£16500 - £20000 Per Annum: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: We are currently r...
£100 - £125 per day: Randstad Education Crawley: KS2 PPA Teacher currently nee...
£40000 - £45000 per annum + pension, healthcare,25 days: Ashdown Group: An est...
£28000 per annum: Ashdown Group: IT Software Application Support Analyst - Imm...