1. Socks - we can buy our own, thanks. We're big boys now.
2. Handkerchiefs - if we use them we've got too many already; if we don't, we'll put them in the bottom of a drawer until the day we need something to wipe some oil off our hands.
3. Toiletry gift sets - every boy gets a Hai Karate talc 'n' after shave combo at 16, and once is enough. Really.
4. A drill - well, do women want an iron?
5. Driving gloves - only Nigel Mansell and men who drive with hats on wear them.
6. Nasal hair trimmer - yes, we all need them but we don't want to be told.
7. Garden kneeling pad - next stop, the Zimmer frame.
8. Big bumper jumbo road atlas of Britain - great, then we can spend all Boxing Day discussing whether to take the A7548 or B6924 via the Shagley bypass.
9. Car vacuum cleaners - no need: we go to the special, secret topless vacuuming centre that all men know about. Just kidding.
10. Monogrammed shirts - our colleagues already know we're jerks; they don't need it spelt out.
What we don't want for Christmas... a woman writes
1. A Body Shop gift basket - it bears the message: I barely know you and here's the gift I give every female every year.
2. Perfume - one man's fragrance is another woman's whiff.
3. A make-up set featuring 40 lurid shades of eyeshadow - used as wall paint when six years old, thank you.
4. A recording of Tammy Wynette's "Stand By Your Man" - some of us just don't want to. Got it?
5. A leather manicure set - nails, especially toenails, are taboo. And men, remember the line, "He who casts the first stone"? In other words, get those football toenails sorted out first, OK.
6. A dressing gown - invariably a dowdy and duck me woollen affair. Creates low self-esteem.
7. A vacuum cleaner - choose a more subtle way to end the relationship.
8. The Great Book of Hugs - not all females are brainless, soppy pushovers. Hint: some may prefer the real thing.
9. Silk headscarf - Are all men colour-blind, or do they just want women to look like the Queen on a psychedelic high?
10. Suspenders - we'd rather have the dressing gown.