Appearance: Jade Jagger partner wannabe. Britpop artiste wannabe. Britart shark pickler wannabe.
Swinging London: As we know, England now designs all French fashion, rules the charts, breeds groovy models and floods the world art market with startling innovation. Thus, where else would Madonna look for all things trendy but swinging old London? She's already made friends with Stella McCartney, shopped at Voyage, eaten at Nobu and promoted The Prodigy. She has also been renting a Chelsea house, driving a Range Rover, and supposedly searching out an authentic English boyfriend. "I think English people are more intelligent than Americans," the superstar explains.
The Birds and the bees: Enter Andy Bird, son of a Warwickshire accountant. Andy is a former fitness instructor. Warning bells ring. Remember one Carlos "father of Lourdes" Leon? Does Andy wish to enjoy fleeting, somewhat humiliating, Carlos "The Tackle"-style fame?
Toy boys: Andy is the latest in a long and colourful line-up. Post-Carlos, Madonna is frequently spotted with bisexual model and club owner Ingrid Casares, with whom she has been photographed jogging, dolphin-watching and kissing. There have also been friendly outings with Brits like Hugh Grant, Rufus Sewell, novelist Tim Willocks and Lord Glenconner's cousin Mungo Tennant. Oh yes, and now there's this Andy Bird.
Fame Prospects: Zilch, unless he hastily shoots In Cahoots with Madonna. Alternatively, Andy Bird could be a tempestuous talent who makes the Citizen Kane for the post-Tarantino generation. For temporary fame, we recommend a slim kiss-and-tell, a libellous novel, or a spot of sub-Pete Tong DJ- ing. For longer-lasting notoriety, the siring of Madonna's next daughters, Lolita Perpetua and Inez Immaculata; a series of Madonna lipstick blots suspended in formaldehyde at the Saatchi Gallery; or a naked centrefold save for Union Jack body-paint on prominent areas.Reuse content