Veteran extrovert. The DJ and TV presenter, stomach-lurchingly dubbed "Chrissy Wissy" on air, is somewhat, er, whacky, you understand. Retired ladeez man, who once boasted sleeping with four different women in one day. The virility of the man. Now the star of London's Capital Radio finds himself, at 52, an unwilling participant in this year's toe-sucking award, following the Sun's publication of a 1988 photo of him exposing Sophie Rhys-Jones' right breast. "SOPHIE TOPLESS" screamed the headline, featuring Her Nearly Highness frolicking, one side of her bikini playfully lifted by Mr T. (This being the paper that features a topless woman on a daily basis, of course.) Well, hurrah for Chrissy Wissy. Have him knighted for services to human interest. Now at least we can summon a smidgen of interest in what is otherwise set to be the dullest royal wedding of the century.
Fillet of plaice. Frizzled blond shark. Dennis Waterman meets Sylvester Stallone's albino second cousin. Bingo hall manager gone to seed. Thin- haired John Nettles dipped in bleach. Raddled roue of a rock star with Esher mansion and extensive wall mounted guitar collection.
The latest tabloid scandal occurred when one Kara Noble flogged her old holiday snaps. Our hero, a friend of bride and groom, vigorously and convincingly denies an affair, while Sophie is said to be "deeply, deeply upset". Kara Noble, at least pounds 100,000 richer, deserves nothing but the James Hewitt treatment for her desperate little stunt. In the meantime, Sophie gains dubious interest points, and looks better in a stripy bikini than in her clunking execu-girl suit with Eighties lapels. The Palace was furious over the incident, the Sun then apologised, and Kara has now been summarily fired from her DJ job.
Man o man
Daily motormouthing on Capital Radio, food-chucking on Tiswas, and general charm, smarm and joshing on shows such as Who Wants to Be a Millionaire? have all contributed to our protagonist's persona as a matey geezer. That's another pint, Princess, and something for the lovely lady.
On a nice little earner at an estimated pounds 3m a year, our veteran DJ is a dab hand at the subtle art of the voice over. He also owns an Italian clothes firm. Our hero lives happily with his Norwegian wife Ingrid, and has sired six mini-Tarrants in from two marriages. Happy families then, but for a tabloid fall-out last year with step-son Dexter. Chrissy told him to get a job or leave home. Cue much bleating and "shock" revelations from Dex about "domineering" Tarrant Sr.
Of all claims to fame, exposing a future royal's breast while larking around in the Costa del Sol is not one our hero would choose. Still, the professional jokester will ride out this little storm, and will probably be spinning discs as a blond 90-year-old. Good for you, Chrissy Wissy.