Main Claim: Cindy is the micro-celebrity photographed last week with new boyfriend Alex de Cadenet. Until this bizarre coupling, her sole claim to fame was almost pounds 60,000 worth of cosmetic surgery. Poor pet. Wouldn't it be cheaper to a shag a royal or attempt a multiple birth? As a socialite crossed with freak-show queen and vigorous PR, Cindy is ensured endless tiresome pre-millennium style fame. The woman who makes the It Girls look like worthy recipients of attention appears with woeful regularity on every daytime studio surgery debate featuring people shouting, large-busted lovelies and rentaquote surgeons.

Appearance: Here's the rub (see Main Claim). Stretched, immobile and very, very sad. "I wanted the perfect face, based on the classical style of beauty," explains the articulate American. The creepily almost-pretty, blank demeanour of the woman dubbed "The Human Barbie" has been achieved through eye widening; eyebag removal; two nose jobs; upper lip enlargement; chemical peels; breast enlargement; implant removal; face-lift; knee, abdomen, jawline, outer thigh and hip liposuction; dermabrasion; chin reduction; and laser forehead resurfacing. A bad case of dysmorphophobia? "I do believe in the Barbie philosophy," Cindy has said, "which is: 'We girls can do anything.'"

Stop Press: Cindy, 41, who likes hanging around being photographed with tired old socialites (she dated Dai Llewellyn and danced with Terry Major Ball wearing no knickers) has taken up with Alex (you may remember him as, um, "Bruiser"), 22, brother of the more famous wild child, The Word presenter, rock-star wife and Hollywood starlet Amanda. Cindy now runs a cosmetic surgery advice network. Alex on Cindy: "It's, er, very difficult to define what love is... I love the way she makes me think about things and, er, stimulates my mind."

Fame Prospects: There are only so many times Cindy can rattle off her gruesome list of modifications on TV. She should recant, sue some surgeons and walk around screaming in bandages for more interesting TV opportunities.