MAIN CLAIM: Blow jobs. Er, sorry, easing of pancreatic pain, involving head disappearing into boyfriend's lap in parked car, that is. Other than starring in a famous and quite squirmingly embarrassing court case concerning alleged oral relief of male partner, Gillian Taylforth is loved and admired as Kaff of the Caff - EastEnders' supreme old trouper who can out-act Babs Windsor with a simple purse of the lips. News of the week is that Kaffy is now gettin' eeowt ov the square, with her last episode to be screened over the Easter weekend.

APPEARANCE: poor person's Meryl Streep. Breadline Jessica Lange. Our Kaffy, now 42, is a true Londoner, an Islington girl who learnt her trade, as they all did (Susan "Chelle" Tully, Pauline Quirke, Linda Robson, plus half the gor-blimeying casts of Grange Hill and EastEnders) at Anna Scher Children's Theatre. Her sister Kim also acts, but of course Gillian is the shimmering yet down-to-earth supernova of the Taylforth family. She landed the seminal role of Kathy in EastEnders 13 years ago, and has since enjoyed a glittering career shivering in the market or serving strong tea with four sugars and two slices.

ALL'S FAIR: Miss Taylforth has been linked with bad Geoff Knights, a charming knave of the Technicolor variety - all, smooth, nearly-good looks, melodramatic storms, and general scrapes - for nearly ten years. "We've stuck together through problems that would have broken up a weaker relationship... Of course we have our rows, like any couple," explains Gillian. This is to put it mildly, readers. The incidents involving cars, the split-ups, the rows and eruptions have made their way into tabloid history in a restrained but steady flow over the last decade. The couple now live in Hertfordshire with daughter Jessica, six. We're talking Gillian here, not Kaffy. Kaff's the one who's suffered rape, appalling marriages, and the slimiest anorak of a son this side of the M25.

SQUARE ROOTS: Adam Woodyatt (the singularly unattractive Ian Beale) calls Gillian "Mum" on the set, where she appears much loved. Gillian may well return to The Square, as we insiders call it.

FAME PROSPECTS: Gillian is about to feature in a BBC Screen One drama. As an actress, she's undeniably talented, but such is the curse of soap, for us she will be forever Kaff, she of the old sheepskin, money apron, sausages and pursed yet trembling lips. Then there's the, er, blow job.