Why you'd choose to be a woman - 100 good reasons
Tuesday 14 October 1997
1: You can wear women's underwear without being arrested.
2: You can be sexually aroused in public without being arrested.
3: You can understand the mechanism of a bra strap.
4: You can be moody and antisocial on a regular monthly basis, without having to provide any rational explanation.
5: You can cry during Sleepless In Seattle and not have to blame it on hay fever and/or cat allergy.
6: You can correctly estimate the dimensions of the male genitalia.
7: You can become number one British women's tennis player simply by hitting a tennis ball - once - without it being out.
8: You can detect, by scent, when underwear needs changing.
9: You can be not interested in footy without being thought homosexual.
10: You can use public toilets at the same time as other members of the same sex without being thought homosexual.
11: You can fake orgasm convincingly.
12: You can observe a Bar-B-Q without urges to intervene.
13: You can remain silent whilst in a car with a woman driver.
14: You can blame being overlooked for promotion on "bloody male chauvinists" and the "Old Boy Network".
15: You can take full advantage of British Telecom's "Friends And Family" discount.
16: You can occupy a bathroom for over 15 minutes without the aid of pornographic literature.
17: You can make sexist remarks about the opposite sex without calling it "post-modern irony".
18: You stand a better chance of selection as a New Labour MP.
19: You can rely on not being chatted up by Paula Yates ...
20: ... or by Michael Barrymore.
21: You can appreciate why scarlet crotchless leather panties are not, in fact, practical workwear for the female executive.
22: You can watch canine castration on Vets in Practice without wincing.
23: You can go into the lingerie department of Debenhams without the air of a fugitive.
24: You will never have to master the art of tying a bow tie.
25: You can dislike Pamela Anderson and like Clare Short.
26: When you reach the age of 60, your breasts can double as handy fly- swatters.
27: You can avoid carrying heavy items of furniture when moving house.
28: You understand what a two way dry-weave topsheet is necessary for.
29: You can happily spend an entire afternoon in The Body Shop.
30: Two words - colour co-ordination.
31: You can wear a ponytail and not look like a total prat.
32: You can see that you have got cellulite. It's obvious. Look.
33: After passing wind in public, you will not be compelled to utter the phrase "oi oi, better out than in".
34: You can communicate with women by telephone.
35: You can use pregnancy as an excuse for weight gain.
36: You can use "47 per cent of women are a size 16 or over - it's a fact" as an excuse for weight gain.
37: You can use "hormones" as an excuse for weight gain.
38: You can use "refusal to be influenced by anorexic models in Vogue" as an excuse for weight gain.
39: You don't have to worry about being "a nine-stone weakling".
40: You can a) purchase tampons, b) read a map and c) eat quiche.
41: The words "falling sperm count" do not send shivers down your back.
42: You can urinate without leaving a small reservoir on the bathroom floor.
43: You can read the instruction leaflet BEFORE assembling flatpacked furniture or operating electrical appliances.
44: You can carry a handbag.
45: You can find Jo Brand funny.
46: You will never be required to make an amusing Best Man speech at a wedding.
47: You don't have to worry that you might not be the real parent of your children.
48: You can expose your legs in hot weather and not look silly.
49: You can book a "massage" without embarrassment.
50: You can borrow your partner's clothes and not look perverted.
51: You can ask a complete stranger for directions.
52: You can run "like a girl".
53: You never need be wary of scoutmasters with a glint in their eye.
54: You are less likely to give your private parts a pet name.
55: You can appreciate why double E-cup bosoms might sometimes be a disadvantage.
56: Women won't keep on buying you horrible ties and Old Spice for Christmas.
57: You can bear to own a car stereo that doesn't have quite so many knobs as your next door neighbour's.
58: You can drink spritzers in pubs.
59: During sex, you are unlikely to worry about climaxing too quickly.
60: You realise that "ready in five minutes" actually means three-and- a-half hours.
61: You can resist the compulsion to scratch your privates in public and photocopy your arse at Christmas parties.
62: You can keep you legs together when sitting opposite other people on public transport.
63: You partner will be PLEASED if you come home with lipstick on your face.
64: You can look at page three of the Sun without remarking loudly on the fact that you're really only reading the political story on page TWO.
65: When you reach your sexual peak, you're old enough to appreciate it.
66: You will never invite acquaintances to "smell my finger".
67: You can watch a woman peeling a banana without making lewd comments.
68: You can watch a woman removing an umbrella cover without making lewd comments.
69: You can watch a woman unwrapping a Cadbury's Flake without making lewd comments.
70: You can understand the grave severity of having a "bad hair day".
71: You can put a duvet cover on a duvet without asphyxiating yourself.
72: You can obtain nutritional sustenance without the aid of a microwave, a tin opener, or the telephone number of your local branch of Pizza Hut.
73: You can confess to having been dumped.
74: You can own a Renault Clio.
75: People will not automatically expect you to know how to play the guitar.
76: You can leave the plumbing to the plumber.
77: You are born with an instinctive knowledge of how many calories there are in any given foodstuff.
78: You can change a nappy in less than an hour.
79: Breasts are an attractive feature on a woman. As is red hair. Sometimes.
80: You can pack sensibly for holidays.
81: You will never wear jeans exposing your buttock cleavage, unless they happen to be fleetingly fashionable.
82: You can admit to being wrong about something ...
83: ... Even something as important as the Offside Rule.
84: Your status in society will never be dependent on how high you can piss.
85: You will never believe that a doner kebab is the ideal epicurean accompaniment for 15 pints of Special Brew.
86: Wearing a wig can be a fashion statement, not just a last resort.
87: Violent men are thuggish. Violent women are "feisty".
88: Men sweat. Women "glow".
89: If you claim to admire the Spice Girls because of their politics, some people will actually believe you.
90: You know the meaning of words like "exfoliation" ...
91: ... And "integrity".
92: You will never feel your masculinity threatened by large root vegetables, pepper pots or postcards featuring Nelson's Column.
93: You can appreciate that a woman who's just spent 50 per cent of her salary in Whistles can still have "nothing to wear tonight".
94: You can recall anniversaries other than Stoke City's first FA Cup win.
95: Your voice will never mutate overnight from Aled Jones into Barry White.
96: You can justifiably pass out during childbirth.
97: Your ability to concentrate is not inversely proportional to the bust size of adjacent females.
98: You have, statistically, more chance of finding a partner through newspaper contact ads.
99: You don't have to take mags like GQ seriously.
100: And finally - you just CAN, OK? Because you CAN. And if men don't understand that, then tough titty.
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