Candid Caller

FIRST there was the story that average bra sizes are getting bigger; now it is the men's turn. A survey at a London hospital has revealed that condoms, apparently, are too small for 20 per cent of the UK's male population. This week the Candid Caller, modelling a black bin-liner, asked: Are you surprised?

Mr John Small of Birmingham: 'I am. Mind you, I haven't worn a condom for years. My wife doesn't let me play around on the side.'

Mrs Alison Large of Stratford-upon-Avon: 'What a load of rubbish. You can't trust men. What did they do, just ask people questions? (I do not know whether there was any kind of medical examination.) I'm surprised they didn't discover condoms were too tight for 100 per cent of the country's males.'

Mrs Helen Small of Stoke-on- Trent: 'I am quite surprised, yes. It doesn't make sense that you can't buy them big enough. What's the good of getting everyone to wear a condom if some people can't - through no fault of their own?'

Mr John Large of Manchester: 'Not a bit, although it's not a problem I have had. Generally, they're awful things and totally unreliable, they keep splitting. They should certainly make them stronger.'

Mr Darren Small of Wearside: 'Ha] Are they? Typical. I don't like them but I do use condoms all the time now. I often have a problem getting one on, but only because I'm drunk at the time.'

Mrs Julie Large of Newbury: 'It's not the sort of trouble I ever came across in my courting days. I think I am surprised - for both reasons. Presumably they're going to do something about it?'

Mr Richard Small of Telford: 'Aren't they all one European size now? They should come in all sizes (excuse the pun) including 'Jumbo'.'

Mrs Sue Large of Nuneaton: 'I'm shocked, not surprised. In which country do they sell the biggest condoms?'

Mr Terry Small of Cardiff: 'Is that you, Bob? (This really is the Candid Caller.) It sounds like the sort of stunt my mate would play on me. Seriously? (Yes.) There's a question, am I surprised? Yes, I am, I suppose. I thought they just stretched accordingly. Shows what I know.'

Mrs M Large of Norwich: 'Thank you for calling. Goodbye.'