Carmen get it

Under the counter with Lindsay Calder

This morning in the locker room I noticed that the woman who has daily personal training from Carl also has two HRT patches.

At least, I assume that's what they were. You don't stick the Nicorette ones on your buttocks, do you? At first I thought they might have been someone else's soggy corn plasters that she had inadvertently sat on whilst drying between her toes, but they did seem to be clinging on with some purpose.

I am more than mildly curious about her, but can only build up a picture from the facts before me: her choice of underwear (unsuitable), the Mulberry bag that she stuffs her trainers into (a little extravagant), a Donna Karan trouser suit (not just DNKY) and today there was something else: Carmen rollers.

Well, the buttock patches give away her age, and if you tie these in with the undies (which barely cover them) what are the options? Divorcee getting all HRT'd up and thongy ready for some action? Or an office affair - hence the stamina-improving sessions with Carl every morning, followed by an hour in make-up and rollers? Then again, it may just be an attempt to rejuvenate body and marriage, but that's far too boring.

Now my preferred option: she is a career woman, but has been a martyr to her profession, has never had time for lovers, and now, at that hormonal turning-point in her life, finds herself alone and fed up with being cast as the firm headmistress. This lady has finally decided to get big hair and go for it: patches, panties, press-ups, the works.

If you can't quite face the patches and the panties yourself, go for the Carl and Carmens option. Carl, or a similar model, is available from most gyms at around pounds 20 a session and Carmen rollers (surprisingly, not exclusively available from car boot sales) are still being made and can be found at most department stores.

The standard plastic set of 20 costs pounds 14.99; a thicker, rubberised set, pounds 21.99; Carmen Elite, pounds 24.99. And, if you are after really big hair, Carmen Elite Jumbo costs pounds 29.99.

Perhaps they could come up with a natty little portable set for the gym?

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