Alice-Azania Jarvis: Jangled and fazed by dongles and fascinators

In The Red

To everyone who asked for more details on the egg, apologies. I don't have them. I think – but am very far from sure – that it is one and the same as a personal wireless router. Quite possibly, it is not. But like I said, for details such as that, Chris Maynard at Think Inc's your man. Me? Well, I've decided to abandon my quest for affordable modernity. Instead, I shall embrace what the rest of the country appears to have done some time ago. I'm going to sign up to regular, non-dongle broadband. You know: The type that necessitates a landline, a line rental and – horrors – a phone number (which I shall never use, obviously, because I can imagine few things worse than people calling me at home, without caller ID).

Doing this might cost more than my dongle: the package I've opted for is £20 a month, plus there's a one-off £25 number activation, not to mention the more daunting spectre of a wireless router. But the time, I've been forced to admit, has come. I can't stare at a dysfunctional browser any longer, and Chris has promised to hold my hand through the pain (as well as finding me the best possible deal). It will, he says, will be much like connecting to the electricity grid or opting for running water: an irritating, rather joyless expenditure followed by immense relief at the convenience. I might even be able to stream The Apprentice on iPlayer.

And to those others, who wrote in to reassure me that of course Pippa bought her wedding outfit online, the night before the wedding – maybe even in Asos's reduce-to-clear section – thank you. But I don't believe it for a moment. In truth, I've all but given up on my quest for the Perfect Wedding Attire (far more fun is the Perfect Hen Night Attire, which I think I rather perfected last Saturday as I danced around a living-room with no shoes and a very, ahem, themed hat) . Rather like the Internet Egg, the PWA was one ambition too far. Seeing as the big day is not just a full three hours train journey away from where I live, and thus in an entirely unfathomable climate, but also on a farm, and we've been warned that we might need wellies, I've come to recognise that suitable, elegant clothing probably doesn't exist. Instead, I've invested in a cagoul. So much more useful than a fascinator.

a.jarvis@independent.co.uk

Independent Partners; request a free guide on NISAs from Hargreaves Lansdown

PROMOTED VIDEO
Life and Style
techApp to start sending headlines, TV clips and ads to your phone
Arts and Entertainment
Taylor Swift crawls through the legs of twerking dancers in her 'Shake It Off' music video
musicEarl Sweatshirt thinks so
Life and Style
tech
Arts and Entertainment
Daniel Radcliffe and Zoe Kazan in What If
filmReview: Actor swaps Harry Potter for Cary Grant in What If
News
Our resilience to stress is to a large extent determined by our genes
science
Finacial products from our partners
Property search
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs Money & Business

    Asset Finance Solicitor

    Highly Competitive Salary: Austen Lloyd: CITY - ASSET FINANCE - An outstanding...

    HR Analyst - Banking - Bristol - £350-£400

    £350 - £400 per day: Orgtel: HR Analyst - Banking - Bristol - £350 - £400 per ...

    Techincal Accountant-Insurance-Bank-£550/day

    £475 - £550 per day + competitive: Orgtel: Senior Technical Accountant-Insuran...

    Sales Performance Manager, Gloucester - £290 p/day

    £200 - £290 per annum + competitive: Orgtel: Sales Performance Manager, Key Ba...

    Day In a Page

    Ferguson: In the heartlands of America, a descent into madness

    A descent into madness in America's heartlands

    David Usborne arrived in Ferguson, Missouri to be greeted by a scene more redolent of Gaza and Afghanistan
    BBC’s filming of raid at Sir Cliff’s home ‘may be result of corruption’

    BBC faces corruption allegation over its Sir Cliff police raid coverage

    Reporter’s relationship with police under scrutiny as DG is summoned by MPs to explain extensive live broadcast of swoop on singer’s home
    Lauded therapist Harley Mille still in limbo as battle to stay in Britain drags on

    Lauded therapist still in limbo as battle to stay in Britain drags on

    Australian Harley Miller is as frustrated by court delays as she is with the idiosyncrasies of immigration law
    Lewis Fry Richardson's weather forecasts changed the world. But could his predictions of war do the same?

    Lewis Fry Richardson's weather forecasts changed the world...

    But could his predictions of war do the same?
    Kate Bush asks fans not to take photos at her London gigs: 'I want to have contact with the audience, not iPhones'

    'I want to have contact with the audience, not iPhones'

    Kate Bush asks fans not to take photos at her London gigs
    Under-35s have rated gardening in their top five favourite leisure activities, but why?

    Young at hort

    Under-35s have rated gardening in their top five favourite leisure activities. But why are so many people are swapping sweaty clubs for leafy shrubs?
    Tim Vine, winner of the Funniest Joke of the Fringe award: 'making a quip as funny as possible is an art'

    Beyond a joke

    Tim Vine, winner of the Funniest Joke of the Fringe award, has nigh-on 200 in his act. So how are they conceived?
    The late Peter O'Toole shines in 'Katherine of Alexandria' despite illness

    The late Peter O'Toole shines in 'Katherine of Alexandria' despite illness

    Sadly though, the Lawrence of Arabia star is not around to lend his own critique
    Wicken Fen in Cambridgeshire: The joy of camping in a wetland nature reserve and sleeping under the stars

    A wild night out

    Wicken Fen in Cambridgeshire offers a rare chance to camp in a wetland nature reserve
    Comic Sans for Cancer exhibition: It’s the font that’s openly ridiculed for its jaunty style, but figures of fun have their fans

    Comic Sans for Cancer exhibition

    It’s the font that’s openly ridiculed for its jaunty style, but figures of fun have their fans
    Besiktas vs Arsenal: Five things we learnt from the Champions League first-leg tie

    Besiktas vs Arsenal

    Five things we learnt from the Champions League first-leg tie
    Rory McIlroy a smash hit on the US talk show circuit

    Rory McIlroy a smash hit on the US talk show circuit

    As the Northern Irishman prepares for the Barclays, he finds time to appear on TV in the States, where he’s now such a global superstar that he needs no introduction
    Boy racer Max Verstappen stays relaxed over step up to Formula One

    Boy racer Max Verstappen stays relaxed over step up to F1

    The 16-year-old will become the sport’s youngest-ever driver when he makes his debut for Toro Rosso next season
    Fear brings the enemies of Isis together at last

    Fear brings the enemies of Isis together at last

    But belated attempts to unite will be to no avail if the Sunni caliphate remains strong in Syria, says Patrick Cockburn
    Charlie Gilmour: 'I wondered if I would end up killing myself in jail'

    Charlie Gilmour: 'I wondered if I'd end up killing myself in jail'

    Following last week's report on prison suicides, the former inmate asks how much progress we have made in the 50 years since the abolition of capital punishment