Donald MacInnes: Here's to a not so high-flying 50 not out, with Pringles

In The Red

Crackle … Good morning, ladies and gentlemen, and a very warm welcome to this, the celebratory, 50th flight of ITR airlines piloted by yours truly. Who would have thought we would have made it to 50 not out, eh?

Good gracious. My co-pilot today, as ever, will be Flight Lieutenant Utter-Drivel, who is assisted by navigator Preposterous-Nonsense. As ever, before take-off, we ask that you suspend any notions you may hold that myself and my crew possess any actual financial acumen and just relax, throw back a large cocktail and try to keep the food down.

Sadly, the chap in seat 5c seems to have already failed this last challenge in quite spectacular fashion, so we must request that you tread very carefully as you make your way past his seat to the toilet... and then again when you actually get inside the cubicle, although that's no different from any other flights, as our frequent fliers will be happy to confirm.

Of course, with Christmas being just around the corner, today's meal should really have been something along the lines of the traditional festive spread with all the trimmings and a fine bottle of claret. In a shrunk-down, airline size, of course.

But being that we had to use the last vestiges of the annual budget to fill the tank with barely legal aviation fuel, I'm afraid you will have to make do with turkey-flavoured Pringles and a can of mulled Vimto. If you have a rummage down the back of your seats and happen to find any food, feel free to eat it, although if anyone finds a Terry's Chocolate Orange towards the back of the plane, that's my wife's, so please be so good as to pass it to the nearest flight attendant.

And talking of our attractive and very capable cabin crew – Suzie, Jackie, Suzie, Suzie and Daniel – again as a result of the global economic slump, they will be doing their best to maintain the yuletide theme within strict fiscal limits by providing the bulk of your in-flight entertainment. This will take the form of a repeated live rendition of In The Bleak Midwinter (it's the only one they know all the way through).

Should any passengers tire of this, however, an hour into the flight we shall be showing the 1984 Russ Abbot's Fun House Christmas special, which I happened to have on VHS. Anyone wishing to watch this should make their way to the rear of the cabin, where we have set up an old telly and a couple of deck chairs.

In the meantime, if you need anything, just press the button above your head. No-one will respond, but you will get a nice bing-bong sound. Thank you… Crackle.

d.macinnes@independent.co.uk

Twitter: @DonaldAMacInnes

Independent Partners; request a free guide on NISAs from Hargreaves Lansdown

News
people'It can last and it's terrifying'
Sport
Danny Welbeck's Manchester United future is in doubt
footballStriker in talks over £17m move from Manchester United
Sport
Louis van Gaal, Radamel Falcao, Arturo Vidal, Mats Hummels and Javier Hernandez
footballFalcao, Hernandez, Welbeck and every deal live as it happens
Sport
footballFeaturing Bart Simpson
PROMOTED VIDEO
News
Kelly Brook
peopleA spokesperson said the support group was 'extremely disappointed'
News
The five geckos were launched into space to find out about the effects of weightlessness on the creatures’ sex lives
i100
Sport
Andy Murray celebrates a shot while playing Jo-Wilfried Tsonga
TennisWin sets up blockbuster US Open quarter-final against Djokovic
Life and Style
techIf those brochure kitchens look a little too perfect to be true, well, that’s probably because they are
Arts and Entertainment
Alex Kapranos of Franz Ferdinand performs live
music Pro-independence show to take place four days before vote
News
news Video - hailed as 'most original' since Benedict Cumberbatch's
News
i100
Life and Style
The longer David Sedaris had his Fitbit, the further afield his walks took him through the West Sussex countryside
lifeDavid Sedaris: What I learnt from my fitness tracker about the world
Arts and Entertainment
Word master: Self holds up a copy of his novel ‘Umbrella’
boksUnlike 'talented mediocrity' George Orwell, you must approach this writer dictionary in hand
News
i100
Finacial products from our partners
Property search
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs Money & Business

    SQL Implementation Consultant (VB,C#, SQL, Java, Eclipse, integ

    £40000 - £50000 per annum + benefits+bonus+package: Harrington Starr: SQL Impl...

    Head of IT (Windows, Server, VMware, SAN, Fidessa, Equities)

    £85000 per annum: Harrington Starr: Head of IT (Windows, Server, VMware, SAN, ...

    Technical Software Consultant (Excel, VBA, SQL, JAVA, Oracle)

    £40000 - £50000 per annum: Harrington Starr: You will not be expected to hav...

    SQL DBA/Developer

    £500 per day: Harrington Starr: SQL DBA/Developer SQL, C#, VBA, Data Warehousi...

    Day In a Page

    Alexander Fury: The designer names to look for at fashion week this season

    The big names to look for this fashion week

    This week, designers begin to show their spring 2015 collections in New York
    Will Self: 'I like Orwell's writing as much as the next talented mediocrity'

    'I like Orwell's writing as much as the next talented mediocrity'

    Will Self takes aim at Orwell's rules for writing plain English
    Meet Afghanistan's middle-class paint-ballers

    Meet Afghanistan's middle-class paint-ballers

    Toy guns proving a popular diversion in a country flooded with the real thing
    Al Pacino wows Venice

    Al Pacino wows Venice

    Ham among the brilliance as actor premieres two films at festival
    Neil Lawson Baker interview: ‘I’ve gained so much from art. It’s only right to give something back’.

    Neil Lawson Baker interview

    ‘I’ve gained so much from art. It’s only right to give something back’.
    The other Mugabe who is lining up for the Zimbabwean presidency

    The other Mugabe who is lining up for the Zimbabwean presidency

    Wife of President Robert Mugabe appears to have her sights set on succeeding her husband
    The model of a gadget launch: Cultivate an atmosphere of mystery and excitement to sell stuff people didn't realise they needed

    The model for a gadget launch

    Cultivate an atmosphere of mystery and excitement to sell stuff people didn't realise they needed
    Alice Roberts: She's done pretty well, for a boffin without a beard

    She's done pretty well, for a boffin without a beard

    Alice Roberts talks about her new book on evolution - and why her early TV work drew flak from (mostly male) colleagues
    Get well soon, Joan Rivers - an inspiration, whether she likes it or not

    Get well soon, Joan Rivers

    She is awful. But she's also wonderful, not in spite of but because of the fact she's forever saying appalling things, argues Ellen E Jones
    Doctor Who Into the Dalek review: A classic sci-fi adventure with all the spectacle of a blockbuster

    A fresh take on an old foe

    Doctor Who Into the Dalek more than compensated for last week's nonsensical offering
    Fashion walks away from the celebrity runway show

    Fashion walks away from the celebrity runway show

    As the collections start, fashion editor Alexander Fury finds video and the internet are proving more attractive
    Meet the stars of TV's Wolf Hall... and it's not the cast of the Tudor trilogy

    Meet the stars of TV's Wolf Hall...

    ... and it's not the cast of the Tudor trilogy
    Weekend at the Asylum: Europe's biggest steampunk convention heads to Lincoln

    Europe's biggest steampunk convention

    Jake Wallis Simons discovers how Victorian ray guns and the martial art of biscuit dunking are precisely what the 21st century needs
    Don't swallow the tripe – a user's guide to weasel words

    Don't swallow the tripe – a user's guide to weasel words

    Lying is dangerous and unnecessary. A new book explains the strategies needed to avoid it. John Rentoul on the art of 'uncommunication'
    Daddy, who was Richard Attenborough? Was the beloved thespian the last of the cross-generation stars?

    Daddy, who was Richard Attenborough?

    The atomisation of culture means that few of those we regard as stars are universally loved any more, says DJ Taylor