Donald MacInnes: I ate the pies and shook my fist until I just couldn't do it any more

In The Red

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The Independent Online

As we stride purposefully into the new year, allow me to once again cast a glance backwards at some of last year's notable examples of my propensity to churn out the kind of hapless journalism that makes you yearn for the eloquence of a Peter Andre Twitter post.

Last March, I asked you for any ideas to help limit the cost of my wedding …

I now realise I should have just asked for the money outright and to hell with the consequences and PCC inquiries. It might cause a scandal to make the Leveson inquiry look like an episode of Quincy, but surely it would be worth it if your generosity means I can afford a gaggle of snow white geese to parade down the aisle, while a trapeze artist sprinkles glitter on the guests?

No ITR triggered a reaction like that which followed my stating that, as a Glasgow Rangers fan, the financial implosion of the club (which eventually came to pass), would trouble me little…

While it's certainly true that I attended Rangers' Ibrox Stadium many times and sang the songs and ate the pies and shook my fist at the Celtic fans, there came a time when I just couldn't do it any more. Thankfully, once my electronic tag was removed, I returned to the stadium for more singing and eating and shaking. But I grew tired of it; tired of the songs about Catholic people being evil; sneaky; spawned by weasels; tired of the chants about we Protestants being altogether better; more groovy and less likely to make potty on the carpet.

In July I recalled the time in 1997 when I had interviewed then-Prime Minister John Major, when my far-from-right-wing politics coloured my reportage …

Although he was a nice lad, in payback for his party having caused me so much heartache, I included in my story the fact that his breath had smelled like a baboon's leotard. A couple of days later Mr Major was booted out of No 10 by Tony Blair's high-kicking caravan of showbiz love. If my revelation about Johnny's halitosis had anything to do with this, I can only apologise.

September saw me getting married and I may have mentioned its financial impact once or twice …

My fiancée's family have been spectacularly generous with their cash. Well, I say "cash". Quite a bit of the final amount was made up of HMV tokens, so we shall be serving the starter on CD cases. And instead of sugared almonds, we'll be giving guests the latest Jessie J album. But as the lady herself said, it ain't about the price tag.

Twitter: @DonaldAMacInnes

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