Donald MacInnes: My first turn at Miami vice became a blur of shiny poles and $1 bills

In The Red

Cast your mind back two years to the first In The Red hosted by me which - with all retrospective apologies - I wrote by my sister's pool in Homestead, near Miami.

Happily, in less than two weeks I shall be heading back to south Florida for the first time since that era-beginning dispatch was filed to the sound of crickets, the smell of sunblock and the buzz of too many banana daiquiris.

And, as our transatlantic trip approaches, I find myself recalling my first visit to the US, back in the day when my relative youth and lack of funds meant I was at the mercy of whatever the family wanted to do.

I was too broke to disappear off and do my own thing, but a little too old to feel in any way happy about being led by the nose from pillar to post (or pole, as it turned out).

I was five days short of my 21st birthday when I stepped onto American soil for the first time, and thrillingly aghast about being in the land of all my TV and movie dreams.

My American brother-in-law Bill, whom I had never met, picked me up at Miami airport. I expected we would then go straight to the house he shared with my sister, but he had other ideas.

After a few twists and turns in one of Miami's less salubrious neighbourhoods, we pulled up outside something called The Cathouse.

This was a squat concrete building which only identified the business going on within by the use of a neon sign featuring a pink cat in high heels wrapped around a pole.

I swallowed my terror and walked in.

At this point, I should say that Bill was a good decade older than me, so I was quite intimidated by his man-of-the-worldness.

As a result, when he handed me a double Jack Daniel's and Coke, I threw it back, not wishing to appear a baby.

Same with the next five and thus the darkened interior of the Cathouse soon became a swimming mass of chrome poles and one-dollar bills.

I found (and still find) table dancing clubs about as sexy as a slaughterhouse and, I can assure you, being inside one with an older brother-in-law whom you barely know is an experience akin to watching a movie with your parents when a sex scene comes on.

You just want to scream.

I was therefore delighted when Bill led the way out of the club and we began the journey home.

I sank into the passenger seat, relieved, but I should have known that things were bound to get a whole lot messier.

Next week, upside down at my 21st birthday in Key West...

Twitter.com/DonaldAMacInnes

Independent Partners; request a free guide on NISAs from Hargreaves Lansdown

PROMOTED VIDEO
Life and Style
tech

Board creates magnetic field to achieve lift

News
There have been various incidents of social media users inadvertently flouting the law
news

Life and Style
Stack ‘em high?: quantity doesn’t always trump quality, as Friends of the Earth can testify
techThe proliferation of online petitions allows us to register our protests at the touch of a button. But do they change anything?
News
Bourgogne wine maker Laboure-Roi vice president Thibault Garin (L) offers the company's 2013 Beaujolais Nouveau wine to the guest in the wine spa at the Hakone Yunessun spa resort facilities in Hakone town, Kanagawa prefecture, some 100-kilometre west of Tokyo
i100
Sport
CSKA Moscow celebrate after equalising with a late penalty
footballCSKA Moscow 2 Manchester City 2: Premier League champions let two goal lead slip in Russia
Finacial products from our partners
Property search
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs Money & Business

    Helpdesk Analyst

    £23000 per annum + pension and 22 days holiday: Ashdown Group: An established ...

    Senior Helpdesk Analyst / Service Desk Co-ordinator

    £27000 per annum + pension, 22 days holiday: Ashdown Group: An established ind...

    Senior Pensions Administrator

    £23000 - £26000 Per Annum: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Our client is curr...

    Corporate Actions Administrator / Operations Administrator

    £25 - 30k: Guru Careers: A Corporate Actions Administrator / Operations Admini...

    Day In a Page

    Indiana serial killer? Man arrested for murdering teenage prostitute confesses to six other murders - and police fear there could be many more

    A new American serial killer?

    Police fear man arrested for murder of teen prostitute could be responsible for killing spree dating back 20 years
    Sweetie, the fake 10-year-old girl designed to catch online predators, claims her first scalp

    Sting to trap paedophiles may not carry weight in UK courts

    Computer image of ‘Sweetie’ represented entrapment, experts say
    Fukushima nuclear crisis: Evacuees still stuck in cramped emergency housing three years on - and may never return home

    Return to Fukushima – a land they will never call home again

    Evacuees still stuck in cramped emergency housing three years on from nuclear disaster
    Wildlife Photographer of the Year: Intimate image of resting lions claims top prize

    Wildlife Photographer of the Year

    Intimate image of resting lions claims top prize
    Online petitions: Sign here to change the world

    Want to change the world? Just sign here

    The proliferation of online petitions allows us to register our protests at the touch of a button. But do they change anything?
    Ed Sheeran hits back after being labelled too boring to headline festivals

    'You need me, I don’t need you'

    Ed Sheeran hits back after being labelled too boring to headline festivals
    How to Get Away with Murder: Shonda Rhimes reinvents the legal drama

    How to Get Away with Murder

    Shonda Rhimes reinvents the legal drama
    A cup of tea is every worker's right

    Hard to swallow

    Three hospitals in Leicester have banned their staff from drinking tea and coffee in public areas. Christopher Hirst explains why he thinks that a cuppa is every worker's right
    Which animals are nearly extinct?

    Which animals are nearly extinct?

    Conservationists in Kenya are in mourning after the death of a white northern rhino, which has left the species with a single male. These are the other species on the brink
    12 best children's shoes

    Perfect for leaf-kicking: 12 best children's shoes

    Find footwear perfect to keep kids' feet protected this autumn
    Anderlecht vs Arsenal: Gunners' ray of light Aaron Ramsey shines again

    Arsenal’s ray of light ready to shine again

    Aaron Ramsey’s injury record has prompted a club investigation. For now, the midfielder is just happy to be fit to face Anderlecht in the Champions League
    Comment: David Moyes' show of sensitivity thrown back in his face by former Manchester United manager Sir Alex Ferguson

    Moyes’ show of sensitivity thrown back in his face... by Ferguson

    Manchester United legend tramples on successor who resisted criticising his inheritance
    Two super-sized ships have cruised into British waters, but how big can these behemoths get?

    Super-sized ships: How big can they get?

    Two of the largest vessels in the world cruised into UK waters last week
    British doctors on brink of 'cure' for paralysis with spinal cord treatment

    British doctors on brink of cure for paralysis

    Sufferers can now be offered the possibility of cure thanks to a revolutionary implant of regenerative cells
    Ranked seventh in world’s best tourist cities - not London, or Edinburgh, but Salisbury

    Lonely Planet’s Best in Travel 2015

    UK city beats Vienna, Paris and New York to be ranked seventh in world’s best tourist destinations - but it's not London