Donald MacInnes: Phone-switch fun? No, I'm just wringing my hands

In The Red

Things have changed in my world. I don't mean I have decided to embrace my long-subjugated girlish side and sashay around in gingham frocks and white ankle socks with glittery scrunchies in my hair.

Neither does it mean I have abandoned my standards of breakfast entertainment and started listening to the Today programme in preference to watching Frasier. All I mean is I have finally bought an iPhone. It's a 4S. Whatever that is. Regular readers will recall when I accompanied my wife to our local O2 shop last year in a ludicrously optimistic attempt to buy one of these slick gadgets for her. Not only did we struggle to find anyone who would actually sell us anything, but we didn't even get a chance to speak to the in-store "tech guru", who was hovering cross-legged on a silken cushion four feet off the ground. He had a big Ali Baba-style turban on, too, but that's hardly important.

So, why return to the same shop this week? Desperation. I had been struggling with my network provider. I shan't mention its name, although I will say that it rhymes (much like its service, in my experience), with both "pee" and "wee". Furthermore, every month it used to make me feel like I had been stung by a "bee", due to the astronomical "fee" I had to pay for the privilege. And the handset it gave me could only have been less useless if it had been made entirely of "brie".

I would spend hours on the brink of tears while my phone vainly searched the ether for a signal strong enough to send my text. I genuinely used to have to hold the thing upside down if I wanted to get sufficient bars to dispatch an SMS. People often like to make the comparison that the computers used on the Apollo spaceships were capable of just a fraction of the performance of a modern mobile phone. Well, I can assure you that if those gallant astronauts had had to rely on my handset, they would have ended up hurtling towards the sun.

Another problem with my phone was the size of its keyboard. Even though I have hands described by my doctor as "scientifically, really quite small, in a travelling Victorian circus freak show kind of way… in fact can you wear these gloves in the waiting room, as you are frightening my other patients"), even I struggled to use this tiny keyboard. So it was time to get something else and, given that my interminable contract with my provider had ended, I was free to flirt elsewhere. Therefore, I found myself approaching the O2 shop. To find out what happened, tune in next week. Unless you're listening to Radio 4, of course.

d.macinnes@independent.co.uk

Twitter.com/DonaldAMacInnes

Independent Partners; Do you need financial advice on your investments, pension or insurance? Book a free consultation with an independent Financial Adviser at VouchedFor.co.uk

Finacial products from our partners
Property search
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs Money & Business

    Recruitment Genius: Telesales Executive - OTE £32,000+

    £18000 - £32000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Telesales Executive is requir...

    Ashdown Group: Marketing Manager - B2B, Corporate - City, London

    £45000 - £50000 per annum + benefits : Ashdown Group: A highly successful, glo...

    Neil Pavier: Commercial Analyst

    £50,000 - £55,000: Neil Pavier: Are you a professionally qualified commercial ...

    Loren Hughes: Financial Accountant

    £45,000 - £55,000: Loren Hughes: Are you looking for a new opportunity that wi...

    Day In a Page

    General Election 2015: The masterminds behind the scenes

    The masterminds behind the election

    How do you get your party leader to embrace a message and then stick to it? By employing these people
    Machine Gun America: The amusement park where teenagers go to shoot a huge range of automatic weapons

    Machine Gun America

    The amusement park where teenagers go to shoot a huge range of automatic weapons
    The ethics of pet food: Why are we are so selective in how we show animals our love?

    The ethics of pet food

    Why are we are so selective in how we show animals our love?
    How Tansy Davies turned 9/11 into her opera 'Between Worlds'

    How a composer turned 9/11 into her opera 'Between Worlds'

    Tansy Davies makes her operatic debut with a work about the attack on the Twin Towers. Despite the topic, she says it is a life-affirming piece
    11 best bedside tables

    11 best bedside tables

    It could be the first thing you see in the morning, so make it work for you. We find night stands, tables and cabinets to wake up to
    Italy vs England player ratings: Did Andros Townsend's goal see him beat Harry Kane and Wayne Rooney to top marks?

    Italy vs England player ratings

    Did Townsend's goal see him beat Kane and Rooney to top marks?
    Danny Higginbotham: An underdog's tale of making the most of it

    An underdog's tale of making the most of it

    Danny Higginbotham on being let go by Manchester United, annoying Gordon Strachan, utilising his talents to the full at Stoke and plunging into the world of analysis
    Audley Harrison's abusers forget the debt he's due, but Errol Christie will always remember what he owes the police

    Steve Bunce: Inside Boxing

    Audley Harrison's abusers forget the debt he's due, but Errol Christie will always remember what he owes the police
    No postcode? No vote

    Floating voters

    How living on a houseboat meant I didn't officially 'exist'
    Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin

    By Reason of Insanity

    Louis Theroux's affable Englishman routine begins to wear thin
    Power dressing is back – but no shoulderpads!

    Power dressing is back

    But banish all thoughts of Eighties shoulderpads
    Spanish stone-age cave paintings 'under threat' after being re-opened to the public

    Spanish stone-age cave paintings in Altamira 'under threat'

    Caves were re-opened to the public
    'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'

    Vince Cable interview

    'I was the bookies’ favourite to be first to leave the Cabinet'
    Election 2015: How many of the Government's coalition agreement promises have been kept?

    Promises, promises

    But how many coalition agreement pledges have been kept?
    The Gaza fisherman who built his own reef - and was shot dead there by an Israeli gunboat

    The death of a Gaza fisherman

    He built his own reef, and was fatally shot there by an Israeli gunboat