Donald MacInnes: The fact that there were no headstones in the garden was genuinely pleasing


In my previous dispatch from the traumatic home-hunting frontline, where regiments of estate agents fire broadsides of scorn at our hilarious budget-to-square-footage aspirations, I detailed how one such know-it-all had been forced to tell us – just as we were about to enter – why the house was unsellable, due to the all-pervasive stench of chemicals from the dry cleaner down below. Needless to say, we weren't inordinately tempted.

Our next viewing saw us greeted at the front door by the vendor, a man who seemed to be persisting with those plastic Croc shoes, despite the evident disdain from the world at large. He combined said nasty sandals with a pair of jogging bottoms which, I would be prepared to wager my final tenner, had participated in little to no jogging. The only thing jogged was whichever container of food he was eating from when it spilled into his crotch, leaving a rather upsetting stain.

Despite his grimy appearance, however, he had the front to ask us to remove our shoes as we inspected his grotty domain. Now, this is a bit of a pet hate of mine. If I go round to someone's house and they ask me to take my shoes off, I am already having a bad time. Have you ever tried to have a serious conversation with a group of people when you are all standing in the middle of someone's front room, all dolled-up, apart (of course) from your bare feet? Or even worse… in your socks? Utterly ghastly. And so unfair. Is it my fault they decided to buy a deep-shag carpet in the kind of brilliant white you normally associate with baby seals? Why should I have to compromise my sharp dressing to keep their carpet free from the odd spot?

Anyway, back to the man with the stained jogging bottoms. His house had… eh, one particular drawback. It wasn't the fact that, for some reason, someone had left an old lady in the front room, but the fact that the poor old dear was sitting staring out of the window at an immense graveyard which began just over their garden wall. I frowned at the sea of crosses and sadness, mere yards away from the back door. The vendor clearly noticed my concern, chipping in helpfully with: "It's only a military cemetery. They haven't buried anyone there since 1945."

Riiight. We made our excuses, put on our shoes and fled.

The next house we saw was another washout. Cleverly, the estate agent opted to forget that the empty property's power had been switched off so, as it was 6pm, my wife and I had to use the ambient light from our phones as rudimentary torches to creep around. On the up-side, as the place was an inky-black world of nothingness, we were spared the horrific sight of the dirt we must have tracked onto the carpet. And the absence of headstones in the back garden was genuinely pleasing, I have to confess.

Independent Partners; Do you need financial advice on your investments, pension or insurance? Book a free consultation with an independent Financial Adviser at

Finacial products from our partners
Property search
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs Money & Business

    Recruitment Genius: Digital Optimisation Executive - Marketing

    £30000 - £35000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: The UK's fastest growing, multi...

    Recruitment Genius: Financial Reporting Manager

    £70000 - £90000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Financial Reporting Manager i...

    Recruitment Genius: Payments Operations Assistant

    £23000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: They win lots of awards for the...

    Recruitment Genius: Telephone Debt Negotiator

    £13500 - £20000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This nationwide enforcement com...

    Day In a Page

    On your feet! Spending at least two hours a day standing reduces the risk of heart attacks, cancer and diabetes, according to new research

    On your feet!

    Spending half the day standing 'reduces risk of heart attacks and cancer'
    Liverpool close in on Milner signing

    Liverpool close in on Milner signing

    Reds baulk at Christian Benteke £32.5m release clause
    With scores of surgeries closing, what hope is there for the David Cameron's promise of 5,000 more GPs and a 24/7 NHS?

    The big NHS question

    Why are there so few new GPs when so many want to study medicine?
    Big knickers are back: Thongs ain't what they used to be

    Thongs ain't what they used to be

    Big knickers are back
    Thurston Moore interview

    Thurston Moore interview

    On living in London, Sonic Youth and musical memoirs
    In full bloom

    In full bloom

    Floral print womenswear
    From leading man to Elephant Man, Bradley Cooper is terrific

    From leading man to Elephant Man

    Bradley Cooper is terrific
    In this the person to restore our trust in the banks?

    In this the person to restore our trust in the banks?

    Dame Colette Bowe - interview
    When do the creative juices dry up?

    When do the creative juices dry up?

    David Lodge thinks he knows
    The 'Cher moment' happening across fashion just now

    Fashion's Cher moment

    Ageing beauty will always be more classy than all that booty
    Thousands of teenage girls enduring debilitating illnesses after routine school cancer vaccination

    Health fears over school cancer jab

    Shock new Freedom of Information figures show how thousands of girls have suffered serious symptoms after routine HPV injection
    Fifa President Sepp Blatter warns his opponents: 'I forgive everyone, but I don't forget'

    'I forgive everyone, but I don't forget'

    Fifa president Sepp Blatter issues defiant warning to opponents
    Extreme summer temperatures will soon cause deaths of up to 1,700 more Britons a year, says government report

    Weather warning

    Extreme summer temperatures will soon cause deaths of up to 1,700 more Britons a year, says government report
    LSD: Speaking to volunteer users of the drug as trials get underway to see if it cures depression and addiction

    High hopes for LSD

    Meet the volunteer users helping to see if it cures depression and addiction
    German soldier who died fighting for UK in Battle of Waterloo should be removed from museum display and given dignified funeral, say historians

    Saving Private Brandt

    A Belgian museum's display of the skeleton of a soldier killed at Waterloo prompts calls for him to be given a dignified funeral