Donald MacInnes: The fact that there were no headstones in the garden was genuinely pleasing

 

In my previous dispatch from the traumatic home-hunting frontline, where regiments of estate agents fire broadsides of scorn at our hilarious budget-to-square-footage aspirations, I detailed how one such know-it-all had been forced to tell us – just as we were about to enter – why the house was unsellable, due to the all-pervasive stench of chemicals from the dry cleaner down below. Needless to say, we weren't inordinately tempted.

Our next viewing saw us greeted at the front door by the vendor, a man who seemed to be persisting with those plastic Croc shoes, despite the evident disdain from the world at large. He combined said nasty sandals with a pair of jogging bottoms which, I would be prepared to wager my final tenner, had participated in little to no jogging. The only thing jogged was whichever container of food he was eating from when it spilled into his crotch, leaving a rather upsetting stain.

Despite his grimy appearance, however, he had the front to ask us to remove our shoes as we inspected his grotty domain. Now, this is a bit of a pet hate of mine. If I go round to someone's house and they ask me to take my shoes off, I am already having a bad time. Have you ever tried to have a serious conversation with a group of people when you are all standing in the middle of someone's front room, all dolled-up, apart (of course) from your bare feet? Or even worse… in your socks? Utterly ghastly. And so unfair. Is it my fault they decided to buy a deep-shag carpet in the kind of brilliant white you normally associate with baby seals? Why should I have to compromise my sharp dressing to keep their carpet free from the odd spot?

Anyway, back to the man with the stained jogging bottoms. His house had… eh, one particular drawback. It wasn't the fact that, for some reason, someone had left an old lady in the front room, but the fact that the poor old dear was sitting staring out of the window at an immense graveyard which began just over their garden wall. I frowned at the sea of crosses and sadness, mere yards away from the back door. The vendor clearly noticed my concern, chipping in helpfully with: "It's only a military cemetery. They haven't buried anyone there since 1945."

Riiight. We made our excuses, put on our shoes and fled.

The next house we saw was another washout. Cleverly, the estate agent opted to forget that the empty property's power had been switched off so, as it was 6pm, my wife and I had to use the ambient light from our phones as rudimentary torches to creep around. On the up-side, as the place was an inky-black world of nothingness, we were spared the horrific sight of the dirt we must have tracked onto the carpet. And the absence of headstones in the back garden was genuinely pleasing, I have to confess.

Twitter.com/DonaldAMacInnes

Independent Partners; Do you need financial advice on your investments, pension or insurance? Book a free consultation with an independent Financial Adviser at VouchedFor.co.uk

Finacial products from our partners
Property search
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs Money & Business

    Recruitment Genius: Sales Assistant / Buyer

    £15000 - £17000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company offers a range of ...

    Recruitment Genius: Customer Service Advisor

    £15000 - £16000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Customer Service Advisors are r...

    SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

    £20000 - £25000 per annum + OTE £45K: SThree: SThree were established in 1986....

    Recruitment Genius: Compliance Manager

    £40000 - £60000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Compliance Manager is require...

    Day In a Page

    Greece debt crisis: What happened to democracy when it’s a case of 'Vote Yes or else'?

    'The economic collapse has happened. What is at risk now is democracy...'

    If it doesn’t work in Europe, how is it supposed to work in India or the Middle East, asks Robert Fisk
    The science of swearing: What lies behind the use of four-letter words?

    The science of swearing

    What lies behind the use of four-letter words?
    The Real Stories of Migrant Britain: Clive fled from Zimbabwe - now it won't have him back

    The Real Stories of Migrant Britain

    Clive fled from Zimbabwe - now it won’t have him back
    Donna Karan is stepping down after 30 years - so who will fill the DKNY creator's boots?

    Who will fill Donna Karan's boots?

    The designer is stepping down as Chief Designer of DKNY after 30 years. Alexander Fury looks back at the career of 'America's Chanel'
    10 best statement lightbulbs

    10 best statement lightbulbs

    Dare to bare with some out-of-the-ordinary illumination
    Wimbledon 2015: Heather Watson - 'I had Serena's poster on my wall – now I'm playing her'

    Heather Watson: 'I had Serena's poster on my wall – now I'm playing her'

    Briton pumped up for dream meeting with world No 1
    Wimbledon 2015: Nick Bollettieri - It's time for big John Isner to produce the goods to go with his thumping serve

    Nick Bollettieri's Wimbledon Files

    It's time for big John Isner to produce the goods to go with his thumping serve
    Dustin Brown: Who is the tennis player who knocked Rafael Nadal out of Wimbeldon 2015?

    Dustin Brown

    Who is the German player that knocked Nadal out of Wimbeldon 2015?
    Tour de France 2015: Twins Simon and Adam Yates have a mountain to climb during Tour of duty

    Twins have a mountain to climb during Tour of duty

    Yates brothers will target the steepest sections in bid to win a stage in France
    John Palmer: 'Goldfinger' of British crime was murdered, say police

    Murder of the Brink’s-MAT mastermind

    'Goldfinger' of British crime's life ended in a blaze of bullets, say police
    Forget little green men - aliens will look like humans, says Cambridge University evolution expert

    Forget little green men

    Leading evolutionary biologist says aliens will look like humans
    The Real Stories of Migrant Britain: An Algerian scientist adjusts to life working in a kebab shop

    The Real Stories of Migrant Britain

    An Algerian scientist struggles to adjust to her new life working in a Scottish kebab shop
    Bodyworlds museum: Dr Gunther von Hagens has battled legal threats, Parkinson's disease, and the threat of bankruptcy

    Dying dream of Doctor Death

    Dr Gunther von Hagens has battled legal threats, Parkinson's disease, and the threat of bankruptcy
    UK heatwave: Temperature reaches 39.8 degrees on Central Line - the sweatiest place in London

    39.8 degrees recorded on Tube

    There's hot (London) and too damn hot (the Underground). Simon Usborne braved the Central line to discover what its passengers suffer
    Kitchens go hi-tech: From robot chefs to recipe-shopping apps, computerised cooking is coming

    Computerised cooking is coming

    From apps that automatically make shopping lists from your recipe books to smart ovens and robot chefs, Kevin Maney rounds up innovations to make your mouth water