Donald MacInnes: This crown of thorns has really left me down in the mouth

In The Red

In these times of ongoing want and feeble spending power, any kingdom which manufactured a brand sparkling new crown for its ruler – for the not unreasonable price of £209 – would attract a fair amount of positive press, even from hereditary ruler-sceptic periodicals such as this one.

The public, of course, would no doubt also regard such a transaction favourably. "Extremely good value," they would think, as they clustered around their Aldi candles to keep warm. But, sadly, such value for money is not true in every case. And certainly not in my case.

That is because the kingdom in question is my mouth – and the aforementioned crown is for my tooth, so spending such an amount takes on a different aroma. It becomes more troubling, especially if, like me, your teeth have all the robustness of marshmallows.

Due to a cruel trick of genetics, my father's impeccable, gallantly hard teeth were passed on to my sister, who subsequently has gnashers like, well, Gnasher out of The Beano. I got my poor old Mum's teeth, which tend to hide behind my tongue at the merest mention of soup, never mind a Thorntons Old Time toffee selection. I once lost a crown to a Curly Wurly, which isn't easy.

Anyway, as a result of my being so dentally deficient, I am very popular with my dentist. He even named his new speedboat after me, so you'll appreciate the level of business I put his way. His demeanour on my arrival is always warm and friendly, even if he does manage to stop short of actually rubbing his hands together with glee (mind you, I once caught him flipping through the Argos catalogue while giving me a polish).

But what I find most troubling is his lack of empathy. There he'll be, kneeling on my chest, cackling, as he drills another (what feels like) Wookey Hole into my gob. As my legs twist in agony into the shape of a pretzel, he'll tut at my lack of fortitude. And heaven help me if I so much as comment that he seemed to be enjoying himself a little too much. "Drilling?! That wasn't drilling!" he'll announce with disdain (as his minions frantically mop the ceiling). "I barely touched you!"

Of course, I'm intelligent enough to know that, by highlighting his emotional shortcomings to a national audience, I'm sentencing myself to more of the same treatment. But while my next few visits might bear the whiff of revenge from his drill bit, at least he might knock a few quid off the bill, given the exposure I have afforded his practice. Any cash-profligate masochists out there who wish to know the name of it, you know where to reach me …

d.macinnes@independent.co.uk

Twitter: @DonaldAMacInnes

Independent Partners; Do you need financial advice on your investments, pension or insurance? Book a free consultation with an independent Financial Adviser at VouchedFor.co.uk

Finacial products from our partners
Property search
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

ES Rentals

    iJobs Job Widget
    iJobs Money & Business

    Recruitment Genius: Sales Assistant / Buyer

    £15000 - £17000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This company offers a range of ...

    Recruitment Genius: Customer Service Advisor

    £15000 - £16000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Customer Service Advisors are r...

    SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

    £20000 - £25000 per annum + OTE £45K: SThree: SThree were established in 1986....

    Recruitment Genius: Compliance Manager

    £40000 - £60000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Compliance Manager is require...

    Day In a Page

    Is this the future of flying: battery-powered planes made of plastic, and without flight decks?

    Is this the future of flying?

    Battery-powered planes made of plastic, and without flight decks
    Isis are barbarians – but the Caliphate is a dream at the heart of all Muslim traditions

    Isis are barbarians

    but the Caliphate is an ancient Muslim ideal
    The Brink's-Mat curse strikes again: three tons of stolen gold that brought only grief

    Curse of Brink's Mat strikes again

    Death of John 'Goldfinger' Palmer the latest killing related to 1983 heist
    Greece debt crisis: 'The ministers talk to us about miracles' – why Greeks are cynical ahead of the bailout referendum

    'The ministers talk to us about miracles'

    Why Greeks are cynical ahead of the bailout referendum
    Call of the wild: How science is learning to decode the way animals communicate

    Call of the wild

    How science is learning to decode the way animals communicate
    Greece debt crisis: What happened to democracy when it’s a case of 'Vote Yes or else'?

    'The economic collapse has happened. What is at risk now is democracy...'

    If it doesn’t work in Europe, how is it supposed to work in India or the Middle East, asks Robert Fisk
    The science of swearing: What lies behind the use of four-letter words?

    The science of swearing

    What lies behind the use of four-letter words?
    The Real Stories of Migrant Britain: Clive fled from Zimbabwe - now it won't have him back

    The Real Stories of Migrant Britain

    Clive fled from Zimbabwe - now it won’t have him back
    Africa on the menu: Three foodie friends want to popularise dishes from the continent

    Africa on the menu

    Three foodie friends want to popularise dishes from the hot new continent
    Donna Karan is stepping down after 30 years - so who will fill the DKNY creator's boots?

    Who will fill Donna Karan's boots?

    The designer is stepping down as Chief Designer of DKNY after 30 years. Alexander Fury looks back at the career of 'America's Chanel'
    10 best statement lightbulbs

    10 best statement lightbulbs

    Dare to bare with some out-of-the-ordinary illumination
    Wimbledon 2015: Heather Watson - 'I had Serena's poster on my wall – now I'm playing her'

    Heather Watson: 'I had Serena's poster on my wall – now I'm playing her'

    Briton pumped up for dream meeting with world No 1
    Wimbledon 2015: Nick Bollettieri - It's time for big John Isner to produce the goods to go with his thumping serve

    Nick Bollettieri's Wimbledon Files

    It's time for big John Isner to produce the goods to go with his thumping serve
    Dustin Brown: Who is the tennis player who knocked Rafael Nadal out of Wimbeldon 2015?

    Dustin Brown

    Who is the German player that knocked Nadal out of Wimbeldon 2015?
    Ashes 2015: Damien Martyn - 'England are fired up again, just like in 2005...'

    Damien Martyn: 'England are fired up again, just like in 2005...'

    Australian veteran of that Ashes series, believes the hosts' may become unstoppable if they win the first Test