Donald MacInnes: This crown of thorns has really left me down in the mouth
In The Red
Donald MacInnes writes Tales from the Water Cooler, which can be found every Saturday on page 2 of i. And, although a financial near-imbecile, he writes a weekly column in The Independent’s Money section, also on Saturdays. He writes regularly on a broad range of subjects in i’s Freeview section and occasionally fills in on Simon Kelner’s daily column when emotionally up to it. @DonaldAMacInnes
Friday 11 January 2013
In these times of ongoing want and feeble spending power, any kingdom which manufactured a brand sparkling new crown for its ruler – for the not unreasonable price of £209 – would attract a fair amount of positive press, even from hereditary ruler-sceptic periodicals such as this one.
The public, of course, would no doubt also regard such a transaction favourably. "Extremely good value," they would think, as they clustered around their Aldi candles to keep warm. But, sadly, such value for money is not true in every case. And certainly not in my case.
That is because the kingdom in question is my mouth – and the aforementioned crown is for my tooth, so spending such an amount takes on a different aroma. It becomes more troubling, especially if, like me, your teeth have all the robustness of marshmallows.
Due to a cruel trick of genetics, my father's impeccable, gallantly hard teeth were passed on to my sister, who subsequently has gnashers like, well, Gnasher out of The Beano. I got my poor old Mum's teeth, which tend to hide behind my tongue at the merest mention of soup, never mind a Thorntons Old Time toffee selection. I once lost a crown to a Curly Wurly, which isn't easy.
Anyway, as a result of my being so dentally deficient, I am very popular with my dentist. He even named his new speedboat after me, so you'll appreciate the level of business I put his way. His demeanour on my arrival is always warm and friendly, even if he does manage to stop short of actually rubbing his hands together with glee (mind you, I once caught him flipping through the Argos catalogue while giving me a polish).
But what I find most troubling is his lack of empathy. There he'll be, kneeling on my chest, cackling, as he drills another (what feels like) Wookey Hole into my gob. As my legs twist in agony into the shape of a pretzel, he'll tut at my lack of fortitude. And heaven help me if I so much as comment that he seemed to be enjoying himself a little too much. "Drilling?! That wasn't drilling!" he'll announce with disdain (as his minions frantically mop the ceiling). "I barely touched you!"
Of course, I'm intelligent enough to know that, by highlighting his emotional shortcomings to a national audience, I'm sentencing myself to more of the same treatment. But while my next few visits might bear the whiff of revenge from his drill bit, at least he might knock a few quid off the bill, given the exposure I have afforded his practice. Any cash-profligate masochists out there who wish to know the name of it, you know where to reach me …
Independent Partners: See how much you could save by switching credit cards. Compare now
Geoffrey Macnab does not like the comedian's big screen debut
Look beyond the usual shows for the best festive telly
The battle for control of Stieg Larsson's £30m legacy
Bargain Hunter: Keep taking the tablets to get £30 off a new Kindle Fire
Mark Dampier: Britain's small-cap funds punched well above their weight this year
Donald MacInnes: A €60m EuroMillions win? It could be me... well, in my dreams
How to start your own internet business
Five ways to make money on the internet
- 1 French pub fined €9,000 after customers returned empties to bar - because it's 'undeclared labour'
- 2 Sun will 'flip upside down' within weeks, says Nasa
- 3 #Teamnigella: It’s the only side to be on
- 4 Christmas comes early: Justin Bieber is 'retiring from music'
- 5 Burglar steals video tapes of child abuse, hands them into police
- < Previous
- Next >
iJobs Money & Business
£60000 - £90000 per annum + benefits + bonus: Harrington Starr: Business Analy...
£Negotiable: Citifocus: High calibre individual with institutional client serv...
£120000 - £150000 per annum: Cornwallis Elt : Programme Manager, Strategy Lead...
£55000 - £120000 per annum: Pro-Recruitment Group: The Financial Services Tran...
Day In a Page
A three-bedrrom flat with 2,733sq feet of living space, a beautiful private garden and 15 acres of communal grounds
A four-bedroom chalet bungalow with three bathrooms and a spacious garden, £525,000
A two-bedroom flat with an open plan kitchen and two balconies, close to Arsenal station
A six-bedroom farm house with separate, detached cottages and 371 acres of land
A two-bedroom cottage with parquet floors, chunky beams and an open fireplace
A Grade II-listed home with six bedrooms, secluded landscaped gardens and views across Hadley Green
A Grade II-listed mansion with two apartments and a cottage, near Gretna Green
A three-bedroom Grade II-listed mews house with vaulted ceilings and roof garden
A spacious Grade II-listed family home with annexe and equestrian facilities among four acres of land in Itchingfield
A four-bedroom home with exposed brick walls and open fires in the picturesque village of Northill
A Grade II-listed property with five bedrooms and unique tower, overlooking Hastings Old Town
A charming five-bedroom detached family home, set within half an acre in Kew
A two-bedroom maisonette set on the top two floors of a period building, close to Kentish Town Tube.
Take advantage of the extra space provided by former stables and outbuildings at this five-bedroom farmhouse.
This three-bedroom Victorian terrace is near to Queen’s Road Peckham station, Nunhead station.
A five-bedroom modern house with terrace, swimming pool, Zen treehouse and large carp pond
An unexpected gem with four bedrooms, remarkable vaulted reception and a galleried study area
A five-bedroom house in one of Lymington's most sought after tree lined avenues, moments from the marinas and sailing clubs
A grand early 19th century B&B close to the historic harbour, with four en suite bedrooms
A four-bedroom, 17th century home with walled gardens, a landscaped terrace, cellar and open fires
A six-bedroom house with five bathrooms and four reception rooms spread over 4,000sq ft of luxury living space
A stunning three double-bedroom apartment with two decked terraces in the exclusive gated community, Bromyard House
A 10-bedroom period, family home amid beautiful surroundings in the centre of the Wentworth Estate in Longcross village
A stylish three-bedroom apartment with two bathrooms and private landscaped garden, moments from Fitzroy Square
A Grade II-listed Elizabethan barn with landscaped gardens, exposed elm beams and four bedrooms, all with lovely views
A six-bedroom family home, dating back to 1280 with four reception rooms, barn, swimming pool and tennis courts in Harwell
A spacious two-bedroom flat, refurbished to a very high standard with private landscaped garden, close to Kentish Town station
An exceptional two-bedroom apartment with balcony and underground parking in the centre of Richmond
A one-bedroom, luxury, duplex apartment in the grand landmark building, Imperial Hall
Run a fabulous boutique shop, live above it in a one-bedroom flat and let a second one-bedroom flat that comes part and parcel
A Grade-II listed, thatched cottage in Hundleby village, with five bedrooms, a coach house and three and a half acres
A spacious two-bedroom flat in the heart of Hoxton Square with wooden floors and roof terrace
A five-bedroom family home with stunning pool and gym complex set among two acres of land
A six-bedroom period house with heated swimming pool and a separate two-bedroom annexe cottage in Townlake, £795,000
A spacious and contemporary two-bedroom flat arranged over three floors, with garden patio close to St George Square, £600,000
A one-bedroom flat in a beautiful Regency building opposite the beach in Kemp Town, £190,000
A two-bedroom flat with London skyline views close to Surrey Quays. £395,000.
A seven-storey tower with three bedrooms and a stunning roof terrace. Guide price: £850,000.
A 16-bedroom country pile with nine reception rooms, four self-contained flats and a 13th century Peel Tower. £850,000.
A classic six-bedroom Victorian Manse house 10 miles from Edinburgh. £495,000.