Under the counter
Saturday 02 August 1997
No sensible, balanced woman should resort to the "R" word. But why be sensible? I'm going for rapacious revenge with relish on. My campaign motto is Ivana Trump's wise words from The First Wives' Club: "Don't get mad, get everything!" I'm not seeking personal revenge; in true vendetta style, I am defending the honour of a girlfriend, who has been mercilessly dumped by her husband. She is a tearful wreck, so I've decided she's got to be positive, and make the bastard suffer.
This is not something to be undertaken carelessly, lightly, or selfishly, but reverently, responsibly, and after serious thought. My numero uno favourite plan is something undetectable that gradually takes effect. Not poisoning the victim's food. Oh no, something far more satisfying: hearty doses of Olympian Performance Crash Weight Gain powder (vanilla creme flavour). Bastard, we'll call him Mr B, has moved to the spare room, and, when not out, has the audacity still to expect to eat his meals at home. No problem; this provides ample opportunity for sprinklings of vanilla powder. We will watch Mr B balloon while she hones her thighs to perfection in the gym. Once the victim is satisfactorily roly-poly, as a piquant touch we will remove his favourite clothes and replace them with identical ones, but two sizes smaller. Less obvious than cutting the sleeves off his suits, and so much more cruel.
Hurting him in his wallet is, of course, very effective, but must be done discreetly. Keying every panel of his new metallic-finish BMW Z3 convertible is something his wife would never do, but I certainly have no problem. A scratch all the way round his penis-extension should be very expensive indeed, and such a lot of hassle for him.
As tearful wreck of wife has not been getting any sleep, marooned in her lonely king-size bed, we had better make sure Mr B keeps her company. His sleeping pills are uncannily similar to Pro-Plus pills, and are easily swapped over. Nights in the spare room won't be quite so somnolent now.
Then, just so she's even on the mental cruelty stakes, I've given her a few ClearBlue pregnancy test kits, which a pregnant friend of mine has kindly used for us, to semi-conceal in the bathroom. This, plus the photocopies of articles on multiple births, should really get Mr B hot under the collar. I do so love revenge.
Recipe for revenge: Joe Weider's Olympian Performance Crash Weight Gain calorie-dense powdered drink, in a choice of flavours, 1.5kg tub, pounds 6.99, from branches of Holland & Barrett. Pro-Plus, pack of 24 tablets, pounds l.89, ClearBlue one-step pregnancy test, double pack, pounds 11.45, from Boots. Complete respray of a metallic-finish BMW Z3, pounds 2,000-pounds 2,500 at your nearest BMW garage bodyshop.
Simon Read: The point of having protection insurance? The right cover can help reduce your financial concerns at a time of extreme worry
19 December 2014 07:30 PM
In May Nicola Groves got a massive shock. The 45-year-old mother of two was told, bluntly, that she had breast cancer. "When I heard the words, 'You do have breast cancer and you are going to lose your breast', I felt as if time stood still," she says.
19 December 2014 07:30 PM
It's that time again when the media looks back over the past year and forward to the next. I am reminded of an old film, The Day the Earth Caught Fire (1961). Near the end of the film a newspaper prints two headlines – which one it uses will depend on whether the world is saved or doomed.
12 December 2014 05:42 PM
The supermarket banks have always excelled at offering simple, no nonsense products, and savings accounts is another area in which they fare well
12 December 2014 06:17 PM
The sun is shining on people who struggle to heat their homes and it’s thanks to a sense of community
12 December 2014 06:23 PM
Struggling people need help, understanding and forbearance, not ill-thought-out pronouncements
12 December 2014 06:20 PM
You won’t find me bashing the banks for the sake of it, but sadly they’ve deserved all the criticism that’s been sent their way in recent years
12 December 2014 06:02 PM
Gillian Guy, chief executive of Citizens Advice: 'The injustice of shock bills for crime victims must end. The Government must stand up for consumers and cap bills from lost or stolen phones at £50'
12 December 2014 05:57 PM
Stirring the pot: the Indian Government’s reforms of labour rules offer hope of a brighter future for businesses
12 December 2014 05:53 PM
Knight of the road, look out: you’ve got a new rival
06 December 2014 12:00 AM
Simon Read: The Chancellor has stamped on an unfair tax. But will the delight of homebuyers mean misery for others?
06 December 2014 12:00 AM
Were you surprised by the sudden reform of the rules for stamp duty on property purchases? I certainly was. I've been calling for ages for a change in the tax to make it more fair – and, at a stroke, George Osborne did just that on Wednesday in his Autumn Statement.
29 November 2014 12:00 AM
21 November 2014 04:33 PM
With some people are weighing up whether they will be better off cashing in their final salary pension next spring, Samantha Downes asks the experts
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