Bridget Jones's Diary

Is end of era, no two ways about it. Maybe should change life. If Establishment can, so can I...

Thursday 4 September

9st 2lbs (bad), alcohol units 4, cigarettes 22 (but national crisis)

9.30am Turned up for late 8.30am leg wax. Was horrible cowbag (sorry about having base thought at time like this) on reception desk: beautiful thin girl with Scary Spice-style glasses worn as if to say, I'm so bloody beautiful, darling, I have to wear actually unsightly spectacles to tone things down.

"Sorry I'm late," I said apologetically.

"That's fine," breathed the girl in manner which suggested she'd already briefed beautician to give me third-degree bikini wax from hell torture. When I went in, though, the girl said, "At least you turned up. My 8 o'clock rang at five past and said she wasn't coming because of Princess Diana."

She was almost sarcastic about someone cancelling a bikini wax because of Princess Diana but as I pointed out, who are we to judge what each individual is going through? If all this has taught us one thing it is not to judge others.

10.45am Late for work owing to massive traffic jam. Cause was roadworks only quite deserted with no workmen and just signs saying, "The men working on this road are stopping work for the next four days as a mark of respect to Princess Diana."

Friday, 5 September

Totally freaked out by death of Mother Teresa. Is as if evil force is let loose for one night to make huge ironic joke and world's entire population of virtuous icons are all going to pop off and die ignored at climax of biggest news story world has ever known, eg Nelson Mandela and, err, can't think of any more virtuous icons. Maybe that air hostess who opened an orphanage? Though I suppose you could say it was the ultimate modest, humble, discreet act on Mother Teresa's part to die tonight. I'm going to spend special half hour just thinking about Mother Teresa. Ooh telephone.

Was Magda. "Have you seen, William and Harry have been hugging the crowd?" she said, both tearful and excited.

"I know, but what about Mother Teresa?"

"Yes, yes, yes, I know. But William looks just like Diana. It's surreal, so, so, so brave."

Monday, 6am Really it was like funeral of someone you know, so that afterwards you feel you have been racked and drained but as though something has been let out of you. Just so pleased that they managed to get everything right. It was all good. Beautiful and really good as if the establishment has really got the message at last, and our country can do things properly again.

6.30am Feel weird, though. Hope it is not like when someone close to you dies and while all the fuss is going on it is sort of like Christmas, as normal service is suspended, and it is when life has returned to what it was before except without the person you love, that it is unbearable. Maybe there will be national depression.

Is end of era, no two ways about it, but also started new era in manner of autumn term. Determined not to sink back into old ways. All too aware of danger of transference of Princess Diana feelings on to Prince William. Already find self feeling same need to look at every possible photo of him, wanting to see him dressed up in different outfits and feeling quite certain that if met him he would definitely want me to be his best friend. Cannot explain this but now know it is Bad. Every young girl in the country must be totally in love with him.

Whole thing seems like Shakespeare tragedy or ancient legend especially with sparring between two great noble houses of Spencer and Windsor.

Prince William is only modern equivalent of real Handsome Prince. Definitely feel ashamed for working on stupid daytime TV programme where we have often devoted entire afternoons to Diana's hair.

7am Hmm, maybe should change life. If Establishment can change so can I.

8am Am going to chuck in job. Yes. Life has been too shallow. I'm going to give Richard Finch notice today and go work with land-mines or similar.

11am Office. Har har. Will really make Richard Finch think better of all his rude remarks and appreciate me when I am gone and he realises I am not as shallow as he thought.

1pm Humps. Went to Richard Finch's office with speech prepared about shortness and fragility of life.

"Arh, Bridget," he said. "Have you heard that the Princess of Wales has died?"

I put my head down and ignored this obvious inference that I am not very au fait with the news. "I'm here to talk about my future," I muttered.

"You're absolutely right, my darling," he said. "It's time for new beginnings for all of us. You're fired. You're the most pea-brained, absent-minded, indecently dressed and late researcher we've ever had on the programme. If you've cleared you're desk in half an hour's time I'll give you three months' pay never to darken my door again."

1.28pm Oh f***, Oh f***.

1.30pm Hooray? Desk is cleared. Is amazing how quickly you can do things if you try.

1.45pm Cafe Rouge v sad. Am total failure. Am sacked. No boyfriend and now no job. Am just rubbish.

2pm Hmm, though. Three months' pay.

2.15pm Also, as Princess Diana showed us, it is not what happens to you in life which counts but what you make of the cards you are dealt and the person you become. Have always wanted to go off travelling in manner of hippie. I'm going to do it now and enjoy life while it is mine and discover meaning of same, instead of worrying about age and stupid men. Also stop smoking and drinking and get down to 8st 7lb. Will just have one more Bloody Mary then call Jude and Shaz to tell them news.

4pm Argor, Swulbe Blurry, Goofun. Byebye everbory. Oops

PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
News
ebookA unique anthology of reporting and analysis of a crucial period of history
Sport
Laura Trott with her gold
Commonwealth Games
Arts and Entertainment
Gal Gadot as Wonder Woman
film
News
Bryan had a bracelet given to him by his late father stolen during the raid
people
Sport
France striker Loic Remy
sportThe QPR striker flew to Boston earlier in the week to complete deal
Extras
indybestSpice up your knife with our selection of delicious toppings
Independent
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
santorini
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Horticulture Lecturer / Tutor / Assessor - Derbyshire

£15 - £18 per hour: Randstad Education Nottingham: As a result of our successf...

Retail Lecturer / Assessor / Tutor - Derbyshire

£15 - £18 per hour: Randstad Education Nottingham: Randstad Education are succ...

Business Studies Tutor / Assessor / Lecturer - Tollerton

£15 - £18 per hour: Randstad Education Nottingham: Randstad Education are succ...

ERP Business/ Implementation Analyst

£40000 - £45000 per annum + competitive: Progressive Recruitment: This is an e...

Day In a Page

A new Russian revolution: Cracks start to appear in Putin’s Kremlin power bloc

A new Russian revolution

Cracks start to appear in Putin’s Kremlin power bloc
Eugene de Kock: Apartheid’s sadistic killer that his country cannot forgive

Apartheid’s sadistic killer that his country cannot forgive

The debate rages in South Africa over whether Eugene de Kock should ever be released from jail
Standing my ground: If sitting is bad for your health, what happens when you stay on your feet for a whole month?

Standing my ground

If sitting is bad for your health, what happens when you stay on your feet for a whole month?
Commonwealth Games 2014: Dai Greene prays for chance to rebuild after injury agony

Greene prays for chance to rebuild after injury agony

Welsh hurdler was World, European and Commonwealth champion, but then the injuries crept in
Israel-Gaza conflict: Secret report helps Israelis to hide facts

Patrick Cockburn: Secret report helps Israel to hide facts

The slickness of Israel's spokesmen is rooted in directions set down by pollster Frank Luntz
The man who dared to go on holiday

The man who dared to go on holiday

New York's mayor has taken a vacation - in a nation that has still to enforce paid leave, it caused quite a stir, reports Rupert Cornwell
Best comedians: How the professionals go about their funny business, from Sarah Millican to Marcus Brigstocke

Best comedians: How the professionals go about their funny business

For all those wanting to know how stand-ups keep standing, here are some of the best moments
The Guest List 2014: Forget the Man Booker longlist, Literary Editor Katy Guest offers her alternative picks

The Guest List 2014

Forget the Man Booker longlist, Literary Editor Katy Guest offers her alternative picks
Jokes on Hollywood: 'With comedy film audiences shrinking, it’s time to move on'

Jokes on Hollywood

With comedy film audiences shrinking, it’s time to move on
It's the best of British art... but not all is on display

It's the best of British art... but not all is on display

Voted for by the British public, the artworks on Art Everywhere posters may be the only place where they can be seen
Critic claims 'I was the inspiration for Blanche DuBois'

Critic claims 'I was the inspiration for Blanche DuBois'

Blanche Marvin reveals how Tennessee Williams used her name and an off-the-cuff remark to create an iconic character
Sometimes it's hard to be a literary novelist

Sometimes it's hard to be a literary novelist

Websites offering your ebooks for nothing is only the latest disrespect the modern writer is subjected to, says DJ Taylor
Edinburgh Fringe 2014: The comedy highlights, from Bridget Christie to Jack Dee

Edinburgh Fringe 2014

The comedy highlights, from Bridget Christie to Jack Dee
Dame Jenny Abramsky: 'We have to rethink. If not, museums and parks will close'

Dame Jenny Abramsky: 'We have to rethink. If not, museums and parks will close'

The woman stepping down as chair of the Heritage Lottery Fund is worried