Bridget Jones's Diary

Explained that skiing is dicing with death. `But this is the nursery slope. It's practically horizontal,' said Mark

Sunday 22 December

8st 12 (vg); alcohol units 2 (marvellous); cigarettes 5 (excellent, saint or deaconess).

8am Hurrah am going skiing today with Mark Darcy. V excited, will be v romantic in Christmas card village among twinkling lights etc. sashaying down slopes hand in hand like Snow King and Queen. Jude has lent me ski outfit: black all-in-one in manner of Michelle Pfeiffer, catwoman or similar.

Monday 23 December

12st (feels like giant inflatable ball full of fondue, hot dogs, hot chocolate etc.); alcohol units 15; cigarettes 32; calories 8,257.

10am Edge of precipice. Aargh. Aargh. Cannot believe terror situation am in. When got to top of mountain felt paralysed by fear so encouraged Mark Darcy to go ahead, while I put skis on watching him going "whoosh, fzzzzzz, fzzzz" down slope in manner of Exocet Missile, banned killer firework or similar. Whilst v much grateful for being brought skiing, could not believe nightmare of getting on to stupid hill in first place, baffled by what was supposed to be nice about clunking through giant concrete edifices full of grills and chains like something out of concentration camp, with half bent knees and equivalent of plaster casts on each foot, carrying unwieldy skis which kept coming separate, being shoved through automated turnstile in manner of sheep heading for sheep dip when could have been in bed asleep. Worst of it is hair has gone mad in altitude, forming itself into weird peaks and horns like bag of Cadbury's misshapes, and Catwoman suit is designed exclusively for long thin people like Jude with result that look like golliwog, or pantomime ant with mad hair. Also three- year-olds keep whizzing by without using any poles, standing on one leg performing somersaults, etc. Oh God. Skiing really is v dangerous sport. People get paralysed, buried by avalanches etc. Shazzer told me where friend of hers had gone on very scary off-piste skiing mission and lost nerve so pisteurs had to come and take him down on a stretcher then let go of the stretcher. Oh God. Oh God. Am going to die.

10.30am Mountain cafe. Mark came whizzing up "whooosh fzzzzzz" and asked me if I was ready to come down now.

Explained in whisper, had made mistake by coming on slope as skiing actually is v dangerous sport - not imagining it - so much so that holiday insurance won't even insure it. Is one thing having accident which you could not foresee: quite another willingly putting yourself in an extremely dangerous situation, knowingly dicing with death or maiming, like doing bungee jumping, climbing Everest, letting people shoot apples off head, etc.

Mark listened quietly and thoughtfully. "I take your point Bridget," he said gently. "But this is the nursery slope. It's practically horizontal."

Told Mark I wanted to go back down on the lift thing but he said it was a button lift and you can't go downhill on a button. Forty-five minutes later Mark had got me down slope by pushing me along a bit then running round to catch me. When got to bottom thought fit to broach question of perhaps popping down cabler car back to village again in order to have cappuccino. "The thing is, Bridget," he said. "Skiing is like everything else in life. It's just a question of confidence."

It is all very well for him to say that but what happens if you haven't got any confidence?

"There there," said Mark gently. "Why don't you just come into the mountain cafe and have a nice glass of grappa."

Mmm. Love the delicious grappa.

11am Grappa is really vg top beverage. Mark is right. Am probably marvellous natural at skiing. Only thing need to get blurry confidence up.

11.15am Top of nursery slope. Argor. This blurry easy-peasy. Offgo. Wheeeee!

Noon Am marvellous, am fantastic skiier. Just came down slope perfect: whoosh fzzzzzz, whole body swaying, moving in perfect harmony as if instinctive. Wild elation! Have discovered whole new lease of life. Am sportswoman in manner of Princess Anne! Filled with new vigour and positive thought! Confidence! Hurrah! New year, new life ahead! Grappa! Hurrah!

6pm Have never been so humiliated in life. Had lunch on balcony of mountain cafe with all Mark's scary lawyer friends, making amusing conversational gambits sitting lightly on top of obvious huge areas of legal and zeitgeisty knowledge, bellowing with laughter and trying to outdo each other: "How do you know if you're addicted to the Internet?"

"You realise you don't know the gender of your three best friends." Haaar Waagh. harharhar.

"You can't write full stops any more without adding com. Uk."

"You do all your work assignments in HMTL Protocol." Blaaaaagh harhar. Braaaah. Hahah.

Eventually could stand it no longer, so whispered to Mark that was just going to have another little go on the nursery slope. Got self in queue for button lift much easier than usual, everything going perfect: effect of grappa marvellous. Missed first couple of buttons through inaccurate grabbing but managed to get next one. Trouble was once set off, nothing seemed to be quite right, all bumpy and non-smooth almost as if was scampering. Suddenly was aware of child waving at me from sidelines and yelling something in French. Looked across in horror to cafe balcony across at cafe to see all Mark's friends shouting and waving as well. What going on? Next thing saw Mark running towards me frantically from direction of cafe "Bridget," yelled as he got within earshot. "You've forgotten to put your skis on." Never mind. As Mark said, sort of thing that could happen to anyone. Just time for another little grappa in bath before dinner. Merry Christmasn

Phil Hammond appears on page 6.

Voices
Mosul dam was retaken with the help of the US
voicesRobert Fisk: Barack Obama is following the jihadists’ script
Arts and Entertainment
Loaded weapon: drugs have surprise side effects for Scarlett Johansson in Luc Besson’s ‘Lucy’
filmReview: Lucy, Luc Besson's complex thriller
Arts and Entertainment
tvExecutive says content is not 'without any purpose'
News
A cleaner prepares the red carpet for the opening night during the 59th International Cannes Film Festival May 17, 2006 in Cannes, France.
newsPowerful vacuum cleaners to be banned under EU regulations
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
News
ebooksAn evocation of the conflict through the eyes of those who lived through it
Travel
Flocking round: Beyoncé, Madame Tussauds' latest waxwork, looking fierce in the park
travelIn a digital age when we have more access than ever to the stars, why are waxworks still pulling in crowds?
News
London is the most expensive city in Europe for cultural activities such as ballet
arts
Arts and Entertainment
Jeremy Clarkson has rejected criticisms of his language, according to BBC director of television Danny Cohen
tv
Extras
indybest
Arts and Entertainment
Judi Dench appeared at the Hay Festival to perform excerpts from Shakespearean plays
tvJudi Dench and Hugh Bonneville join Benedict Cumberbatch in BBC Shakespeare adaptations
Independent
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
santorini
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Marketing Manager - Central London - £45,000-£55,000 + bonus

£45000 - £55000 per annum + bonus: Ashdown Group: The focus of this is to deve...

Application Support - Enterprise Java, SQL, Oracle, SQL Server

£45000 - £55000 per annum: Harrington Starr: A well-established financial soft...

Service Desk Analyst (Graduate, Helpdesk, Desktop, Surrey)

Negotiable: Harrington Starr: Service Desk Analyst (Graduate, Helpdesk, Deskto...

Service Desk Analyst (Graduate, Helpdesk, Desktop, Surrey)

Negotiable: Harrington Starr: Service Desk Analyst (Graduate, Helpdesk, Deskto...

Day In a Page

Air strikes? Talk of God? Obama is following the jihadists’ script

Air strikes? Talk of God? Obama is following the jihadists’ script

The President came the nearest he has come yet to rivalling George W Bush’s gormless reaction to 9/11 , says Robert Fisk
Ebola outbreak: Billy Graham’s son declares righteous war on the virus

Billy Graham’s son declares righteous war on Ebola

A Christian charity’s efforts to save missionaries trapped in Africa by the crisis have been justifiably praised. But doubts remain about its evangelical motives
Jeremy Clarkson 'does not see a problem' with his racist language on Top Gear, says BBC

Not even Jeremy Clarkson is bigger than the BBC, says TV boss

Corporation’s head of television confirms ‘Top Gear’ host was warned about racist language
Nick Clegg the movie: Channel 4 to air Coalition drama showing Lib Dem leader's rise

Nick Clegg the movie

Channel 4 to air Coalition drama showing Lib Dem leader's rise
Philip Larkin: Misogynist, racist, miserable? Or caring, playful man who lived for others?

Philip Larkin: What will survive of him?

Larkin's reputation has taken a knocking. But a new book by James Booth argues that the poet was affectionate, witty, entertaining and kind, as hitherto unseen letters, sketches and 'selfies' reveal
Madame Tussauds has shown off its Beyoncé waxwork in Regent's Park - but why is the tourist attraction still pulling in the crowds?

Waxing lyrical

Madame Tussauds has shown off its Beyoncé waxwork in Regent's Park - but why is the tourist attraction still pulling in the crowds?
Texas forensic astronomer finally pinpoints the exact birth of impressionism

Revealed (to the minute)

The precise time when impressionism was born
From slow-roasted to sugar-cured: how to make the most of the British tomato season

Make the most of British tomatoes

The British crop is at its tastiest and most abundant. Sudi Pigott shares her favourite recipes
10 best men's skincare products

Face it: 10 best men's skincare products

Oscar Quine cleanses, tones and moisturises to find skin-savers blokes will be proud to display on the bathroom shelf
Malky Mackay allegations: Malky Mackay, Iain Moody and another grim day for English football

Mackay, Moody and another grim day for English football

The latest shocking claims do nothing to dispel the image that some in the game on these shores exist in a time warp, laments Sam Wallace
La Liga analysis: Will Barcelona's hopes go out of the window?

Will Barcelona's hopes go out of the window?

Pete Jenson starts his preview of the Spanish season, which begins on Saturday, by explaining how Fifa’s transfer ban will affect the Catalans
Middle East crisis: We know all too much about the cruelty of Isis – but all too little about who they are

We know all too much about the cruelty of Isis – but all too little about who they are

Now Obama has seen the next US reporter to be threatened with beheading, will he blink, asks Robert Fisk
Neanderthals lived alongside humans for centuries, latest study shows

Final resting place of our Neanderthal neighbours revealed

Bones dated to 40,000 years ago show species may have died out in Belgium species co-existed
Scottish independence: The new Scots who hold fate of the UK in their hands

The new Scots who hold fate of the UK in their hands

Scotland’s immigrants are as passionate about the future of their adopted nation as anyone else
Britain's ugliest buildings: Which monstrosities should be nominated for the Dead Prize?

Blight club: Britain's ugliest buildings

Following the architect Cameron Sinclair's introduction of the Dead Prize, an award for ugly buildings, John Rentoul reflects on some of the biggest blots on the UK landscape