BUNHILL : It's hard cheese for Wallace and Gromit

I don't want to give away the plot of that poignant, Oscar-winning film A Close Shave, but I can tell you that there is a seminal moment that hinges on different views about Wensleydale cheese.

If you have seen any film featuring Wallace and Gromit you will know the importance of cheese to their Weltanschauung. But it is only in A Close Shave that Wensleydale is identified as the rondpoint around which this cheesy interest circulates.

Wensleydale Dairy Products can see a gift horse when it presents itself. Its management bought the factory in Hawes, North Yorkshire, after Dairy Crest tried to close it down in 1992, and has since turned it into a moneyspinner.

The managers saw A Close Shave and were on the phone to the BBC before you could say "Sean the sheep". And they now have a nice round cheese on sale, complete with a picture of Wallace and Gromit in the middle of it.

They started producing 500 a day a few weeks ago, and have already had to double production. As Wallace might say: "A very nice bit of marketing, Gromit."

THE REST of this column is about competitions. If you do not like competitions, please do not read it.

First, I asked you to think up slogans designed to sell "old" products to young people, as is now the fashion. Specifically, I mentioned zimmer frames, Grecian 2000 and bus passes. I had many replies - thank you.

Robin Colmer of Surrey takes an investment view. "Nineteen ninety-six - a vintage year for zimmers: invest in one now", and "There may be no buses when you are old: do you wish to miss an opportunity? Buy a bus pass now."

Mark Hastilow of Tamworth has an aggressive tone. "Grecian 2000 - she left you for an older guy? Give him this." And "What's big, red and picks up girls? Get a bus pass."

June (I think, but it could be Steve or anything really) Hall of Dolgellau comes up with the neat "Think ahead - zap your grey early before it zaps you."

But my favourites in the snappy category are these, both for the Zimmer frame, from Laurence Manning of north London: "The chair just became seatless" and "The cool tube to hang on".

Chris Sladen of Ealing, who can't stop winning Bunhill competitions, has, however, conjured up some weird and wonderful images, the first of which we have been moved to illustrate.

"You'll never walk alone with a zimmer frame. Essential kit for England supporters at Euro '96. Knock over a pensioner, take the frame, file the legs to points, hobble through the turnstile, then up and at 'em. Those krauts and dagoes can't stand cold aluminium."

"Free travel - and everything else. Open granny's bag, take the bus pass. If it's plastic it will get you through most locks; also useful for cutting that yummy white powder. If it's a card, just use it for a roll-up. Now you're travelling."

For both of which he earns yet another bottle of fizz. But I'll give one to Laurence Manning as well. What a nice Bunhill I am.

Fantasy firms

I HAVE decided to stimulate the economy of the world. Reading the business pages of the newspapers, as I occasionally do, it is impossible not to notice that business people have run out of ideas. All they can do is to take each other over, which is nice for merchant bankers, lawyers and so on, but not very much help to anyone else (especially the employees).

I cannot explain why there has been a sudden plunge in corporate IQs, but there is something Bunhill readers - celebrated for their razor wits - can do about it. That is to think up new things companies can make or do.

How many times have you asked yourself: why doesn't someone do such-and such, or make so-and so? If you are an entrepreneur, you may have gone off and fixed the problem. If you are not, the best thing you can do is to tell other people about it.

Here are two for starters, dragged from my bewigged braincells:

1) A chain of shops that mend things. Don't throw that toaster away just because it's stopped working - someone can mend it. Lost a rivet - get it riveted!

This will infuriate manufacturers (mostly foreign), save you money, and must be the next logical step in environmentalism.

2) A Swim-Man. I am unfit because I do not swim. I do not swim because it is boring. It would not be boring if I could listen to The Archers. I cannot listen to The Archers because there is no waterproof radio. Someone please supply!

Bottles of fizz will be handed out for the best suggestions. The long- term reward will, of course, be that we will all be more prosperous.

MY HUGE staff has been struggling personfully with the mailbags containing entries to the great Bunhill/easyJet "What to put on a sickbag" competition. They have to be sent by mail coach all the way to Luton, where the folk from easyJet will have a good look at them. Results will be announced soon (I hope).

Life and Style
The new Windows 10 Start Menu
More than 90 years of car history are coming to an end with the abolition of the paper car-tax disc
newsThis and other facts you never knew about the paper circle - completely obsolete today
Arts and Entertainment
There has been a boom in ticket sales for female comics, according to an industry survey
comedyFirst national survey reveals Britain’s comedic tastes
Arts and Entertainment
Ed Sheeran performs at his Amazon Front Row event on Tuesday 30 September
musicHe spotted PM at private gig
Arts and Entertainment
Mystery man: Ben Affleck and Rosamund Pike in '‘Gone Girl'
films... by the director David Fincher
Arts and Entertainment
Hilary North's 'How My Life Has Changed', 2001
books(and not a Buzzfeed article in sight)
Kim Jong Un gives field guidance during his inspection of the Korean People's Army (KPA) Naval Unit 167
newsSouth Korean reports suggest rumours of a coup were unfounded
ebooksAn unforgettable anthology of contemporary reportage
people'I’d rather have Fred and Rose West quote my characters on childcare'
Life and Style
stoptober... when the patch, gum and cold turkey had all faied
Bruce Chatwin's novel 'On the Black Hill' was set at The Vision Farm
travelOne of the finest one-day walks you could hope for - in Britain
Arts and Entertainment
Gay and OK: a scene from 'Pride'
filmsUS film censors have ruled 'Pride' unfit for under-16s, though it contains no sex or violence
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs Money & Business

Trainee Recruitment Consultant - Birmingham - Real Staffing

£18000 - £23000 per annum + Commission: SThree: Real Staffing are currently lo...

Trust Accountant - Kent

NEGOTIABLE: Austen Lloyd: TRUST ACCOUNTANT - KENTIf you are a Chartered Accou...

Graduate Recruitment Consultant - 2013/14 Grads - No Exp Needed

£18000 - £20000 per annum + OTE £30000: SThree: SThree are a global FTSE 250 b...

Law Costs

Highly Competitive Salary: Austen Lloyd: CITY - Law Costs Draftsperson - NICHE...

Day In a Page

Ebola outbreak: The children orphaned by the virus – then rejected by surviving relatives over fear of infection

The children orphaned by Ebola...

... then rejected by surviving relatives over fear of infection
Pride: Are censors pandering to homophobia?

Are censors pandering to homophobia?

US film censors have ruled 'Pride' unfit for under-16s, though it contains no sex or violence
The magic of roundabouts

Lords of the rings

Just who are the Roundabout Appreciation Society?
Why do we like making lists?

Notes to self: Why do we like making lists?

Well it was good enough for Ancient Egyptians and Picasso...
Hong Kong protests: A good time to open a new restaurant?

A good time to open a new restaurant in Hong Kong?

As pro-democracy demonstrators hold firm, chef Rowley Leigh, who's in the city to open a new restaurant, says you couldn't hope to meet a nicer bunch
Paris Fashion Week: Karl Lagerfeld leads a feminist riot on 'Boulevard Chanel'

Paris Fashion Week

Lagerfeld leads a feminist riot on 'Boulevard Chanel'
Bruce Chatwin's Wales: One of the finest one-day walks in Britain

Simon Calder discovers Bruce Chatwin's Wales

One of the finest one-day walks you could hope for - in Britain
10 best children's nightwear

10 best children's nightwear

Make sure the kids stay cosy on cooler autumn nights in this selection of pjs, onesies and nighties
Manchester City vs Roma: Five things we learnt from City’s draw at the Etihad

Manchester City vs Roma

Five things we learnt from City’s Champions League draw at the Etihad
Martin Hardy: Mike Ashley must act now and end the Alan Pardew reign

Trouble on the Tyne

Ashley must act now and end Pardew's reign at Newcastle, says Martin Hardy
Isis is an hour from Baghdad, the Iraq army has little chance against it, and air strikes won't help

Isis an hour away from Baghdad -

and with no sign of Iraq army being able to make a successful counter-attack
Turner Prize 2014 is frustratingly timid

Turner Prize 2014 is frustratingly timid

The exhibition nods to rich and potentially brilliant ideas, but steps back
Last chance to see: Half the world’s animals have disappeared over the last 40 years

Last chance to see...

The Earth’s animal wildlife population has halved in 40 years
So here's why teenagers are always grumpy - and it's not what you think

Truth behind teens' grumpiness

Early school hours mess with their biological clocks
Why can no one stop hackers putting celebrities' private photos online?

Hacked photos: the third wave

Why can no one stop hackers putting celebrities' private photos online?