BUNHILL: The Beast of Yeast in a boardroom blitz

"Things can only get better" was the Labour campaign tune, and how well chosen it was. After 18 years spent licking their wounds, kicking their heels and standing on the outside looking in, Labour's leading lights are finally fit for office - for the office.

Tony Blair said that New Labour meant business, and we should take him at his word. After courting our captains of industry so assiduously, it is only natural that Labour MPs should trade in their modest stipends in five years' time and follow the well-trodden Tory path into non-executive directorships.

To start with - and on the basis that if you go far enough to the left, you'll come back on the right - the curricula vitae of the more red-blooded socialists make compelling reading. The City beckons for Ken Livingstone, who will go from lizards to Lazards and a career in merchant banking. Then there's Denis Skinner, who will be offered a directorship at Ranks Hovis McDougall, turning the Beast of Bolsover into the Beast of Yeast.

Moving further to the right, how many members of Peter Mandelson's campaign team does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: none - he's the Prince of Darkness. So Mr Mandelson - along with Jack "Curfew" Straw- can look forward to a bumper payday at Silentnight Holdings.

The most lucrative positions, however, await our new Prime Minister who is already being lined up for the detergents company Unilever, and Celsis, a biotechnology firm which has come up with a system for detecting microbes in food and household products. That way, Mr Blair will be able to be tough on grime ... and tough on the causes of grime.

In the fallout following his attempt to take over the Co-operative Wholesale Society, details are emerging of another Andrew Regan bid for a venerable British institution. Amid rumours of a split, the General Synod of the Church of England is at this moment meeting in emergency session to consider a hostile bid from Regan and his asset-stripping acolytes.

The C of E is believed to be grossly undervalued with unlimited invisible earnings, billions in untapped property development potential and uncollected musical royalties going back centuries. The chairman of the Church's parent company was unavailable for comment last night, though he is said, mysteriously, to have been spotted in a number of different locations. Mr Regan is believed to want to split the organisation into a trinity of specialised operations prior to selling.

A bidding war between Rome and Tehran-based multinationals is expected, with a promised windfall for confirmation certificate holders from the Italian company's banking division seen as a masterstroke from the likely winner.

Roll over, Tory boys

After the success of the Tesco "electoral roll" political sandwich (see 'hills passim), the Bunhill psephology team are smacking their lips in anticipation of the gastronomic delights that will accompany the Tory leadership contest. So much so, in fact, that we can't resist a few suggestions of our own.

Those wishing to express a preference for Michael Howard (hard to believe, I know) can do so by buying the oxymoronic-sounding hardline bread and water sandwich - an unsound bite of negligible nutritional value - while supporters of William "Tory Boy" Hague, who first addressed conference aged 16, can feast on a smorgasbord of smarmy bratwurst. Sadly the Redwood camp will have to go hungry, as expressing a preference for food is an emotional response unbecoming in a respectable Vulcan.

In truth, however, even these meagre morsels might prove too rich a diet for the slimmed-down Conservatives. Still, one filling comes to mind that would be more than adequate for them all - sour grapes with hard cheese anyone?

In the light of Richard Branson's successful sale of his Virgin Radio interest to London's Capital Radio, it is worth noting that the plethora of radio stations that we now take for granted were once seen as undesirable intrusions on our airwaves. In fact, a candidate in the 1964 general election was roundly ridiculed for advocating their creation in his campaign.

As has been noted elsewhere, the potential MP in question was none other than Screaming Lord Sutch who, in the same election campaign, also called for such other obviously preposterous measures as votes for 18-year-olds and all-day pub opening. Lord Sutch was unable to stand in the recent election as he needed to care for his sickly mother, who sadly passed away last week - all at Bunhill Towers extend their deepest sympathies. John Major, Tony Blair and Paddy Ashdown all expressed their regrets that Lord Sutch would not take part, Mr Major saying: "I shall miss him, he is a national institution."

Indeed he is. In recognition of his eminently sensible policies, Bunhill exhorts the ex-PM to include Britain's sanest Loony in his resignation honours list. Step forward Lord Lord Sutch - of Barking?

Arts and Entertainment
Lena Dunham
booksLena Dunham's memoirs - written at the age of 28 - are honest to the point of making you squirm
Arts and Entertainment
A bit rich: Maggie Smith in Downton Abbey
tvDownton Abbey review: It's six months since we last caught up with the Crawley clan
Frank Lampard and his non-celebration
premier leagueManchester City vs Chelsea match report from the Etihad Stadium
Life and Style
A new app has been launched that enables people to have a cuddle from a stranger
techNew app offers 'PG alternative' to dating services like Tinder
Jacqueline Bisset has claimed that young women today are obsessed with being 'hot', rather than 'charming', 'romantic' or 'beautiful'
Arts and Entertainment
Jake Quickenden sings his heart out in his second audition
tvX Factor: How did the Jakes - and Charlie Martinez - fare?
premier league
Arts and Entertainment
'New Tricks' star Dennis Waterman is departing from the show after he completes filming on two more episodes
tvOnly remaining original cast-member to leave crime series
Mario Balotelli celebrates his first Liverpool goal
premier leagueLiverpool striker expressed his opinion about the 5-3 thriller with Leicester - then this happened
ebooksAn unforgettable anthology of contemporary reportage
Britain's shadow chancellor Ed Balls (L) challenges reporter Rob Merrick for the ball during the Labour Party versus the media soccer match,
peopleReporter left bleeding after tackle from shadow Chancellor in annual political football match
Arts and Entertainment
Female fans want more explicit male sex in Game of Thrones, George R R Martin says
tvSpoiler warning: Star of George RR Martin's hit series says viewers have 'not seen the last' of him/her
Plenty to ponder: Amir Khan has had repeated problems with US immigration because of his Muslim faith and now American television may shun him
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs Money & Business

Senior BA - Motor and Home Insurance

£400 - £450 Per Day: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: **URGENT CONTRACT ROLE**...

Market Risk & Control Manager

Up to £100k or £450p/d: Saxton Leigh: My client is a leading commodities tradi...

SQL Developer - Watford/NW London - £320 - £330 p/d - 6 months

£320 - £330 per day: Ashdown Group: The Ashdown Group have been engaged by a l...

Head of Audit

To £75,000 + Pension + Benefits + Bonus: Saxton Leigh: My client is looking f...

Day In a Page

A roller-coaster tale from the 'voice of a generation'

Not That Kind of Girl:

A roller-coaster tale from 'voice of a generation' Lena Dunham
London is not bedlam or a cradle of vice. In fact it, as much as anywhere, deserves independence

London is not bedlam or a cradle of vice

In fact it, as much as anywhere, deserves independence
Vivienne Westwood 'didn’t want' relationship with Malcolm McLaren

Vivienne Westwood 'didn’t want' relationship with McLaren

Designer 'felt pressured' into going out with Sex Pistols manager
Jourdan Dunn: Model mother

Model mother

Jordan Dunn became one of the best-paid models in the world
Apple still coolest brand – despite U2 PR disaster

Apple still the coolest brand

Despite PR disaster of free U2 album
Scottish referendum: The Yes vote was the love that dared speak its name, but it was not to be

Despite the result, this is the end of the status quo

Boyd Tonkin on the fall-out from the Scottish referendum
Manolo Blahnik: The high priest of heels talks flats, Englishness, and why he loves Mary Beard

Manolo Blahnik: Flats, Englishness, and Mary Beard

The shoe designer who has been dubbed 'the patron saint of the stiletto'
The Beatles biographer reveals exclusive original manuscripts of some of the best pop songs ever written

Scrambled eggs and LSD

Behind The Beatles' lyrics - thanks to Hunter Davis's original manuscript copies
'Normcore' fashion: Blending in is the new standing out in latest catwalk non-trend

'Normcore': Blending in is the new standing out

Just when fashion was in grave danger of running out of trends, it only went and invented the non-trend. Rebecca Gonsalves investigates
Dance’s new leading ladies fight back: How female vocalists are now writing their own hits

New leading ladies of dance fight back

How female vocalists are now writing their own hits
Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

A shot in the dark

Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
His life, the universe and everything

His life, the universe and everything

New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
Save us from small screen superheroes

Save us from small screen superheroes

Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
Reach for the skies

Reach for the skies

From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

12 best hotel spas in the UK

Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments