Column Eight: The red sands of recovery

While British small businessmen retract their expansionist horns and talk mistily of the days of economic buoyancy, we hear of a lesson in business confidence from Australia.

John Grange has opened a surfboard, wetsuit and beach gear shop in Alice Springs. Those ill-versed in matters southern hemispherical may not realise that the town is set in the heart of Australia, with the nearest wave 930 miles away. There is plenty of sand, of course - fiery, red, burning, gritty stuff. Very appealing.

'These sorts of shops are all over Australia . . . I don't see why Alice Springs should be any different,' insists Mr Grange. 'I'm very confident we'll be successful. We've had some very good vibes.' He can come and vibrate in Britain any time he likes.

And in Sydney (which is by the sea) a businessman sends a 'hands off our flying kangaroo' message to BA, which may be bidding for Qantas. 'No British Airways ownership of our Qantas. Piss off, Poms' reads the slogan on a massive billboard at the airport.

'I believe the Spirit of Australia (that's Qantas) cannot be controlled by a foreign power,' says the billboard's owner. 'The message is amusing,' British Airways concedes generously.

Qantas is more concerned that the message may be mistaken for official airline policy.

It's going to come as a shock to London cabbies ('Best drivers on the road, Guv] Safe as houses' . . . crrrrunch) who see themselves as a law unto themselves, that their exemption from the seat-belt laws is about to run out. The bonus for passengers will be that, given the physique of most taxi drivers, it will be virtually impossible to turn round and talk volubly to the captive audience in the back.

This evening's total eclipse of the moon should be of interest to market observers as well as werewolves. Painstaking analysis by the Swiss of market trends in the wake of 143 total or partial lunar eclipses showed that share prices were significantly influenced 80 per cent of the time.

'Market prices are determined as a function of tens of thousands of buy and sell orders, which are issued by human beings. The latter are influenced by the electromagnetic atmosphere, so it is an interesting study to establish a correspondence between the map of the heavens and market movements.' Got it?

Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
ebooks
ebooksA special investigation by Andy McSmith
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs Money & Business

Recruitment Genius: Financial Adviser

£20000 - £60000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Are you recently QCA Level 4 qu...

SThree: Graduate Recruitment Resourcer

£20000 - £22500 per annum + OTE £30K: SThree: SThree Group have been well esta...

Guru Careers: Application Support Analyst / 1st Line Support

£25 - 30k: Guru Careers: We are seeking an Application Support Analyst / 1st L...

Guru Careers: .NET Developer / Web Developer

£45K - £55K (DOE) + Benefits: Guru Careers: We are seeking a full stack .NET D...

Day In a Page

Not even the 'putrid throat' could stop the Ross Poldark swoon-fest'

Not even the 'putrid throat' could stop the Ross Poldark swoon-fest'

How a costume drama became a Sunday night staple
Miliband promises no stamp duty for first-time buyers as he pushes Tories on housing

Miliband promises no stamp duty for first-time buyers

Labour leader pushes Tories on housing
Aviation history is littered with grand failures - from the the Bristol Brabazon to Concorde - but what went wrong with the SuperJumbo?

Aviation history is littered with grand failures

But what went wrong with the SuperJumbo?
Fear of Putin, Islamists and immigration is giving rise to a new generation of Soviet-style 'iron curtains' right across Europe

Fortress Europe?

Fear of Putin, Islamists and immigration is giving rise to a new generation of 'iron curtains'
Never mind what you're wearing, it's what you're reclining on

Never mind what you're wearing

It's what you're reclining on that matters
General Election 2015: Chuka Umunna on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband

Chuka Umunna: A virus of racism runs through Ukip

The shadow business secretary on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband
Yemen crisis: This exotic war will soon become Europe's problem

Yemen's exotic war will soon affect Europe

Terrorism and boatloads of desperate migrants will be the outcome of the Saudi air campaign, says Patrick Cockburn
Marginal Streets project aims to document voters in the run-up to the General Election

Marginal Streets project documents voters

Independent photographers Joseph Fox and Orlando Gili are uploading two portraits of constituents to their website for each day of the campaign
Game of Thrones: Visit the real-life kingdom of Westeros to see where violent history ends and telly tourism begins

The real-life kingdom of Westeros

Is there something a little uncomfortable about Game of Thrones shooting in Northern Ireland?
How to survive a social-media mauling, by the tough women of Twitter

How to survive a Twitter mauling

Mary Beard, Caroline Criado-Perez, Louise Mensch, Bunny La Roche and Courtney Barrasford reveal how to trounce the trolls
Gallipoli centenary: At dawn, the young remember the young who perished in one of the First World War's bloodiest battles

At dawn, the young remember the young

A century ago, soldiers of the Empire – many no more than boys – spilt on to Gallipoli’s beaches. On this 100th Anzac Day, there are personal, poetic tributes to their sacrifice
Dissent is slowly building against the billions spent on presidential campaigns – even among politicians themselves

Follow the money as never before

Dissent is slowly building against the billions spent on presidential campaigns – even among politicians themselves, reports Rupert Cornwell
Samuel West interview: The actor and director on austerity, unionisation, and not mentioning his famous parents

Samuel West interview

The actor and director on austerity, unionisation, and not mentioning his famous parents
General Election 2015: Imagine if the leading political parties were fashion labels

Imagine if the leading political parties were fashion labels

Fashion editor, Alexander Fury, on what the leaders' appearances tell us about them
Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka: Home can be the unsafest place for women

Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka: Home can be the unsafest place for women

The architect of the HeForShe movement and head of UN Women on the world's failure to combat domestic violence