Here's looking at you, caller. Or not, as the case may be


Here is a prediction: the greatest force for social and commercial upheaval this year will be a harmless-sounding device known as Caller ID.

The more modern of you will be familiar with Caller ID - it allows you to see who is calling you before you pick up the handset. The social effects of this will be obvious: unpopular people will discover they are unpopular, mothers-in-law (except mine, bless her!) will find they are unable to make contact, and those of us who are popular will have to get used to being answered by name. I find it quite unnerving when one of my chums greets me with a cheery "Hello Bunhill!"

But the commercial impact could, I suggest, knock a couple of percentage points off the GNP, though few people will mind much. The following categories will find themselves unable to do their jobs:

Double-glazing salesmen, salesmen of all other kinds, public relations consultants, debt collectors, journalists (of the "tabloid" variety), pollsters and lots of others I haven't thought of yet. In fact it might put BT out of business. As my Cityish colleagues would say: Sell!

The Chairman's message to the partners of John Lewis starts: "It has been a most orderly year ..."

There is no one, nothing, quite like John Lewis. As the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse ride round the M25, as the stars of the sky fall to earth, as the fig tree sheds its winter fruit, John Lewis Partners will still be selling sensible things to sensible people, and the chairman will be writing his next report: "A certain disorder affected soft furnishings, and while Aberdeen and Milton Keynes disappeared into the abyss, we were pleased to note that Brent Cross was performing well ..."

Virgin deflated

Richard Branson's airline magazine is called Hot Air, with the sub- heading "Virgin Atlantic's high-flying magazine". Something will have to change. Either the title goes - I suggest Helium Falling - or the strapline should change: "Down to earth with a bump" maybe.

I have had suggestions for a subdivision of the Euro (Eurine, you may remember, was proposed before Christmas). Before coming to them, Magy Higgs makes a good point: that a good reason for disposing of the penny is that it is either referred to as a "pee", or that "pence" is used as the singular. As I've said before, decimalisation was a horrible mistake.

Back to the Euro Division. William J Mason brings mighty logic to bear with his suggestion of Pean (pronounced pee-an). The trouble is, Pean is also the US spelling of paean, a song of praise, which is implausible. Its other meaning in the dictionary, "fur represented as sable spotted with or" is incomprehensible, so should at least be well received in Brussels.

Keith Flett suggests that a Blair generic would be the New, while the democratic version would be the Pleb: the New Pleb might be a compromise. Adrian Brokin, a self-confessed realist, says the Euro should be made up of one deutschmark, so the subdivision presumably remains the pfennig.

Christophe Sladen has switched nationalities to write this letter, which I reproduce:

"Nous avons abandonne l'Ecu - historique nom francais - pour l'Euro: mot artificiel, sans histoire, sans famille, sans gravitas (comme dit le bon chancelier Clarke). En place de l'Eurine (aussi mot artificiel) permettez-moi proposer un mot tout court, tout simple.

Vous pouvez rappeler, j'en suis sur, le Sou: piece de monnaie petite mais bien utile.

Pour eviter aucun risque de confusion, je propose que chaque Euro soit divise entre cent pieces qui s'appellent, pas Sou, mais Fou. Ainsi, par exemple: J'ai fou (I 'ave fou), Tu as fou (You 'ave fou), Il/Elle a fou ('E, She or Eet 'ave fou) etc.

The word would, Mr Sladen suggests, be a useful exclamation in European negotiations. Just shout "Fou!", and no one could object. Those of a severely monolingual disposition should look up the word "fou" in a dictionary.

Competition time

I am pleased to announce the first Bunhill competition of 1997. Just think of collective nouns for professions. Here are some for starters: a boredom of accountants, an ignorance of non-executive directors, a stupor of actuaries, a waterproof of Internet experts, a wad of merchant bankers. Bottles of fizz for the best (I apologise, by the way, to those of you who were expecting fizz and haven't got it yet - our delivery wagon collided with Santa Claus's sleigh in a Horror Pile-Up on Cloud Nine Bypass just before Christmas).

Frantic phone calls jammed the switchboards of Bunhill Towers last week, demanding to know where I had got to. I am unable, for Security Reasons, to give an explanation, but I can say that it involved my old friend Captain Moonlight and a toad-sexing expedition in Anguilla. Thank you for your concern.

Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
ebooksAn introduction to the ground rules of British democracy
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs Money & Business

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£20000 - £25000 per annum + OTE £45K: SThree: SThree were established in 1986....

Recruitment Genius: Compliance Manager

£40000 - £60000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Compliance Manager is require...

SThree: Talent Acquisition Consultant

£22500 - £27000 per annum + OTE £45K: SThree: Since our inception in 1986, STh...

Recruitment Genius: Experienced Financial Advisers and Paraplanners

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: This extremely successful and well-established...

Day In a Page

Seifeddine Rezgui: What motivated a shy student to kill 38 holidaymakers in Tunisia?

Making of a killer

What motivated a shy student to kill 38 holidaymakers in Tunisia?
UK Heatwave: Temperatures on the tube are going to exceed the legal limit for transporting cattle

Just when you thought your commute couldn't get any worse...

Heatwave will see temperatures on the Tube exceed legal limit for transporting cattle
Exclusive - The Real Stories of Migrant Britain: Swapping Bucharest for London

The Real Stories of Migrant Britain

Meet the man who swapped Romania for the UK in a bid to provide for his family, only to discover that the home he left behind wasn't quite what it seemed
Cheaper energy on the way, but it's not all sunshine and rainbows

Cheaper energy on the way, but it's not all sunshine and rainbows

Solar power will help bring down electricity prices over the next five years, according to a new report. But it’s cheap imports of ‘dirty power’ that will lower them the most
Katy Perry prevented from buying California convent for $14.5m after nuns sell to local businesswoman instead

No grace of God for Katy Perry as sisters act to stop her buying convent

Archdiocese sues nuns who turned down star’s $14.5m because they don’t approve of her
Ajmer: The ancient Indian metropolis chosen to be a 'smart city' where residents would just be happy to have power and running water

Residents just want water and power in a city chosen to be a ‘smart’ metropolis

The Indian Government has launched an ambitious plan to transform 100 of its crumbling cities
Michael Fassbender in 'Macbeth': The Scottish play on film, from Welles to Cheggers

Something wicked?

Films of Macbeth don’t always end well - just ask Orson Welles... and Keith Chegwin
10 best sun creams for body

10 best sun creams for body

Make sure you’re protected from head to toe in the heatwave
Wimbledon 2015: Nick Bollettieri - Milos Raonic has ability to get to the top but he must learn to handle pressure in big games

Nick Bollettieri's Wimbledon files

Milos Raonic has ability to get to the top but he must learn to handle pressure in big games
Women's World Cup 2015: How England's semi-final success could do wonders for both sexes

There is more than a shiny trophy to be won by England’s World Cup women

The success of the decidedly non-famous females wearing the Three Lions could do wonders for a ‘man’s game’ riddled with cynicism and greed
How to stop an asteroid hitting Earth: Would people co-operate to face down a global peril?

How to stop an asteroid hitting Earth

Would people cooperate to face a global peril?
Just one day to find €1.6bn: Greece edges nearer euro exit

One day to find €1.6bn

Greece is edging inexorably towards an exit from the euro
New 'Iron Man' augmented reality technology could help surgeons and firefighters, say scientists

'Iron Man' augmented reality technology could become reality

Holographic projections would provide extra information on objects in a person's visual field in real time
Sugary drinks 'are killing 184,000 adults around the world every year'

Sugary drinks are killing 184,000 adults around the world every year

The drinks that should be eliminated from people's diets
Pride of Place: Historians map out untold LGBT histories of locations throughout UK

Historians map out untold LGBT histories

Public are being asked to help improve the map