Property: Jack's built a house - oh no he hasn't

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The Independent Online
It iswith great pleasure that House Hunter Promotions present for you their annual pantomime - The House that Jack Built, or Ali Baba and the Forty Estate Agents.

This is one of the highlights of the festive calendar - oh yes it is - and offers an opportunity for the entire family to relax, unwind and prepare themselves for the toil which lies ahead. Without further ado let us get on with the show.

Curtain: (crush velvet, not included in price - available for sale by separate negotiation with vendor.)

Enter stage left, Jack, the principal boy.

Jack: "Hello boys and girls."

Audience: "Get on with it."

Jack: "I can't hear you. Hello boys and girls."

Audience: "Yeah, yeah, yeah."

Jack: "My name's Jack - I'm a builder."

Audience (chorus of boos and hisses): "Oh no you're not."

Jack slaps thigh and starts to sing traditional panto song.

Audience: "Put the cat out."

Enter stage right small celebrity with tea towel on head.

Jack: "Blah, blah, blah blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, it's my pal Ali Baba."

Ali: "Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, yak, it's that pillock builder Jack."

Jack: "Hiya Ali."

Ali: "Hi Jack."

Jack (throws up arms in surrender): "I give up, don't shoot."

Ali: "Very funny, that's a cracker Jack."

Audience: "Cracker Jack!"

Ali and Jack: "Do be quiet - we do the jokes."

Audience: "Oh no you don't."

Ali: "Have you finished my house yet, Jack?"

Jack: "I'm afraid we're running late."

Ali: "You are pathetic you, you, you, you builder. You are so far behind you, you, you ..."

Audience: "Behind you."

Jack: "We're having problems levelling the road."

Ali: "Well why don't you hit the road, Jack."

Audience: "And don't you come back no more, no more, no more, no more."

Jack and Ali: "Do be quiet - we also do the songs."

Audience: "Oh no you don't."

Jack: "The problem is I'm running out of bricks. But I can get some lemon- coloured ones on the cheap. They had been used in the construction of an old street."

Ali: "Ah, a good buy? Yellow Brick Road?"

Jack: "On the other hand I could stop building now, leave it with one floor and bung a low roof on."

Ali: "And then you wouldn't call it a house, you would call it a ..."

Jack: "That's right - low-level executive home."

Audience: "Rubbish - get off. Have a brick."

Jack: "I think they like it."

Ali: "I think we should do the song."

Jack and Ali: "We wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas, we wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year."