I was not successful, and have decided to try a new tack. I will encourage broadcasters to take a "fly on the wall" approach to the noble profession which oils the property market's wheels.
A documentary series called simply Estate Agent is destined to become the small-screen equivalent of a box-office blockbuster. Anyone who has watched series like Hotel and Airport will be intrigued by the rich pageantry, passion and personality which unfold as ordinary folk perform extra- ordinary feats.
Estate Agent will be a classic. It will peel back the mystique which masks the real face of the property professional and reveal the gritty and humane reality of life on the pulse of the housing market.
I have spent much time researching this as a by-product of my failure to buy a house. I am familiar with the wonderful, wacky world of the estate agent.
Choosing the victim (or 'subject', as we prefer in the media) has not been easy, but I have culled the candidates and alighted on the stars who are about to be born. In Episode One we meet Barry, the tough no-nonsense owner/manager. His face is chiselled out of a granite fit for any tasteful kitchen/diner floor, and he wears a suit which looks more lived-in than any property he sells. Barry is a suburban myth and a legend in his own living-room. He is known as the smiling assassin because he grins cheerfully as he makes a killing.
But Barry is not happy. His elegant and perfectly crafted executive counsellors are behaving badly. Conflict looms.
In the firing line is Sebastian, the public schoolboy turned public enemy. Plummy, chummy and a complete waste of space, Sebastian has interpreted servicing the client in - how shall I say - an agrarian way. Barry is grumpy. He is not worried by Seb's morality but by his inability to secure sole agency for the client's tempting townhouse.
Alongside Seb as Barry prepares to load both barrels is Octavia the Sloane arranger. Octavia has not organised a mortgage for weeks and Barry has the hump. "But they are all cash buyers!" Octavia squeals. "But it's not their cash," Barry explains.
Now meet Mr & Mrs Wiggins, vendors from hell. There may be a shortage of properties for sale but only Barry is prepared to welcome the Wigginses into the bosom of his client list. Mr W is something big in the City. Mrs W is a little know-all.
The Wigginses want to know why their house has been on the market for over 24 hours and not a single offer has been made. Barry has some explaining to do.
I see the series running for six or seven weeks. My friend Phil from the Snug Bar at the Fount of All Knowledge thinks it's a winner, and is preparing to negotiate the international video rights. He is already talking of Estate Agent - the Movie. A friend sees potential for a rock opera.
I prefer to be guided by the wisdom of Barry. "If you like estate agents half as much as me, that means I like them twice as much as you," he muses profoundly. Quite so.Reuse content