ROGUE TRADER

This week's typical families ...

... and how they are affected by the Budget.

THE ADDAMS FAMILY. Married couple (Morticia and Gomez) with live-in relatives (Uncle Fester and Cousin Itt). Two kids (Wednesday and Pugsley). One employee (Lurch, the butler). All family members are over 10,000 years old and undead, so extra benefits for the aged and changes to death duties more than outweigh duty increases. Gomez drinks zero-rated liquid nitrogen.

BETTER OFF.

THE CLIP ART/GRAPHICS FAMILY. Two-dimensional married couple with exactly 2.6 kids. Have featured heavily in all newspapers and on TV this week. But they only work for one day in the year (Budget day). They do not own the copyright to themselves and so are not liable to inheritance tax.

NO CHANGE.

THE PARTRIDGE FAMILY. Extremely wholesome working single mum (Shirley Partridge) with no less than five kids, including one multi-millionaire teenage rock star. Heavy professional expenses (diesel for Tour Bus, hair lacquer, freckle cream, flared brown nylon unisex cat-suits and average of 20 tons of toothpaste. Massively quids-in because of child tax credits. A perfect example of the sort of family New Labour is trying to help. BIG WINNERS

THE WOODENTOP FAMILY. Loathsome, sexist, petit-bourgeois, patriarchal nuclear family with live-in servant. Drive huge gas-guzzling wooden Galt People Carrier and have massive mortgage on dreadful chintzy doll's house in suburban Toy Town. Kids attend minor public school, along with all the other Woodentops. Would have mobile phones, but can't talk. Non-smokers, obviously.

TAKEN TO THE CLEANERS.

Gobsmacking facts, priceless advice and utterly crucial information to impress people with. This week culled from `Money Observer'...

* "It is difficult to pick up a newspaper these days without reading about the launch of another Pan-European Equity Index". If you are very, very sad, that is.

* "British Energy's Web Site is one of the best in the world. It is aesthetically pleasing and also provides comprehensible regulatory information." More profound sadness.

* "As the euro zone evolves into a truly single market, country divisions will become less important." Scoop!

* "Bookmakers were not put on this earth to be loved: they are too smart for the rest of us." MO also breaks the news that some bookmakers have adopted the slogan: "There's a mug born every minute."

* More gambling advice: "Predicting the outcome of a horse race and backing such hunches with more money than you can afford to lose is a temptation for the foolhardy."

So don't do it.

What's happening this week

Monday

Eurotunnel reports. It's RT's favourite company as it is so lusciously, flagrantly, almost erotically indifferent to debt. Last year it managed to dump a pounds 5.8bn IOU on 178 banks under its majestically profligate executive chairman Patrick Ponsolle. Now he plans to triple Europe's biggest debt mountain by building a second and even more deliciously unprofitable tunnel next to the first one. Later, EU finance ministers meet to discuss the Euro-jobless. So, let M Ponsolle set them to work connecting the Chunnel to the (also gorgeously uneconomic) Jubilee Line extension.

Tuesday

Leading cable TV operator Telewest to report. Gloom all round as Brits steadfastly refuse to hook up to cable TV. Only 20 per cent have signed (versus 95 per cent in Belgium). Why Telewest and the others should have spent pounds 10bn to create a TV system that delivers programmes of less interest than the back of the average bus ticket is one of the great mysteries of economics today. Coca-Cola UK reports. There are expansion and diversification plans that involve selling Coca-Cola-branded track suits to Romania, for some reason.

Wednesday

Save Our Sizzlers! Leading sausage maker Devro reports on a plan to sack 3,000 workers and import sausage skins from the Czech republic instead. Hepworth, makers of very exciting plastic pipes, are to report. WTO conference on international trade and world development will lead to more globalisation blither. Zzzzzzz.

Thursday

Geest to report. Now it can charge a fortune by cooling water, adding GM protein, and calling it Umbrian Nine Bean Salad, the ex-Dutch firm has diversified from bananas into "chilled foods". Just as well, with the Euro-US Banana War.

Friday

Forecast indicates the start of spring-style weather. City to close by 2.15pm and form an orderly traffic jam on the M4.

News
people
Sport
FootballGerman sparks three goals in four minutes at favourite No 10 role
News
Rumer was diagnosed with bipolarity, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and post-traumatic stress disorder: 'I was convinced it was a misdiagnosis'
peopleHer debut album caused her post-traumatic stress - how will she cope as she releases her third record?
Sport
A long jumper competes in the 80-to-84-year-old age division at the 2007 World Masters Championships
athletics
PROMOTED VIDEO
Sport
Radamel Falcao was forced to withdraw from the World Cup after undergoing surgery
premier leagueExclusive: Reds have agreement with Monaco
Arts and Entertainment
'New Tricks' star Dennis Waterman is departing from the show after he completes filming on two more episodes
tvHe is only remaining member of original cast
Life and Style
Walking tall: unlike some, Donatella Versace showed a strong and vibrant collection
fashionAlexander Fury on the staid Italian clothing industry
Arts and Entertainment
Gregory Porter learnt about his father’s voice at his funeral
music
News
ebooksAn unforgettable anthology of contemporary reportage
Arts and Entertainment
tvHighs and lows of the cast's careers since 2004
Life and Style
Children at the Leytonstone branch of the Homeless Children's Aid and Adoption Society tuck into their harvest festival gifts, in October 1936
food + drinkThe harvest festival is back, but forget cans of tuna and packets of instant mash
Sport
Lewis Hamilton will start the Singapore Grand Prix from pole, with Nico Rosberg second and Daniel Ricciardo third
F1... for floodlit Singapore Grand Prix
New Articles
i100
Life and Style
Couples have been having sex less in 2014, according to a new survey
life
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs Money & Business

Senior BA - Motor and Home Insurance

£400 - £450 Per Day: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: **URGENT CONTRACT ROLE**...

Market Risk & Control Manager

Up to £100k or £450p/d: Saxton Leigh: My client is a leading commodities tradi...

SQL Developer - Watford/NW London - £320 - £330 p/d - 6 months

£320 - £330 per day: Ashdown Group: The Ashdown Group have been engaged by a l...

Head of Audit

To £75,000 + Pension + Benefits + Bonus: Saxton Leigh: My client is looking f...

Day In a Page

Scottish referendum: The Yes vote was the love that dared speak its name, but it was not to be

Despite the result, this is the end of the status quo

Boyd Tonkin on the fall-out from the Scottish referendum
Manolo Blahnik: The high priest of heels talks flats, Englishness, and why he loves Mary Beard

Manolo Blahnik: Flats, Englishness, and Mary Beard

The shoe designer who has been dubbed 'the patron saint of the stiletto'
The Beatles biographer reveals exclusive original manuscripts of some of the best pop songs ever written

Scrambled eggs and LSD

Behind The Beatles' lyrics - thanks to Hunter Davis's original manuscript copies
'Normcore' fashion: Blending in is the new standing out in latest catwalk non-trend

'Normcore': Blending in is the new standing out

Just when fashion was in grave danger of running out of trends, it only went and invented the non-trend. Rebecca Gonsalves investigates
Dance’s new leading ladies fight back: How female vocalists are now writing their own hits

New leading ladies of dance fight back

How female vocalists are now writing their own hits
Mystery of the Ground Zero wedding photo

A shot in the dark

Mystery of the wedding photo from Ground Zero
His life, the universe and everything

His life, the universe and everything

New biography sheds light on comic genius of Douglas Adams
Save us from small screen superheroes

Save us from small screen superheroes

Shows like Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D are little more than marketing tools
Reach for the skies

Reach for the skies

From pools to football pitches, rooftop living is looking up
These are the 12 best hotel spas in the UK

12 best hotel spas in the UK

Some hotels go all out on facilities; others stand out for the sheer quality of treatments
These Iranian-controlled Shia militias used to specialise in killing American soldiers. Now they are fighting Isis, backed up by US airstrikes

Widespread fear of Isis is producing strange bedfellows

Iranian-controlled Shia militias that used to kill American soldiers are now fighting Isis, helped by US airstrikes
Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Topshop goes part Athena poster, part last spring Prada

Shoppers don't come to Topshop for the unique
How to make a Lego masterpiece

How to make a Lego masterpiece

Toy breaks out of the nursery and heads for the gallery
Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Meet the ‘Endies’ – city dwellers who are too poor to have fun

Urbanites are cursed with an acronym pointing to Employed but No Disposable Income or Savings
Paisley’s decision to make peace with IRA enemies might remind the Arabs of Sadat

Ian Paisley’s decision to make peace with his IRA enemies

His Save Ulster from Sodomy campaign would surely have been supported by many a Sunni imam