Rogue Trader: Carnival against anarchism!
Sunday 27 June 1999
Top tips on how to wind up a hippie and bring the whole evil, lazing- about-doing-nothing machine grinding to a halt:
J Disguise yourself as a Non-Hierarchical Community Acrobat. Nick a crate of Bollinger from the Shepton Mallet off-licence. Get drunk and throw the empty bottles at the Macrobiotic Vegetarian Samosa tent in a deadly rain of consumerist retribution. Co-ordinator: "Trousers" at Morgan Grenfell.
J Disorientate New Age Travellers by filtering Ecstacy out of the organic scrumpy supply. Co-ordinator: "Dr Feelgood" at Zeneca. He will be operating a field-lab in the back of his BMW.
J URGENT: Corporate lawyers still needed to help complete dawn-raid purchase of festival site. We plan to evict the hippies, fence off the site with razor wire and post signs saying: "Keep Out: site of proposed combined 20-lane by-pass, weapons-grade uranium enrichment plant and crated veal trans-shipment depot". Co-ordinator: "Swampy" from Tarmac, Corporate Affairs.
J Blockade all approaches by circling slowly in tax-perk company cars. Blast tapes of The Financial World Tonight out of the window, squirt CFCs, and throw litter out of the sun-roof. Knock over cyclists and use your Bull Bars to mow down any form of animal life you meet.
J Start a fight by ostentatiously eating a genetically modified whalemeat and tomato sandwich in the Chill Out tent.
J RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE!
J SHOW THESE PARASITES WE MEAN BUSINESS!
J HIT A HIPPIE AND WIN A MOBILE PHONE!
[Protest update: Rogue Trader has just discovered that access to the festival costs pounds 85; and that the whole thing will net a total of pounds 20m. Duly impressed by this exercise in raising huge sums of money by selling people a load of old rope, the Direct Action is cancelled. RT looks forward to a successful and profitable flotation of Glastonbury plc soon.
Amazing facts, pearls of wisdom and priceless know-how, culled this week from the glossy pages of FUTUR@BUSINESS, "the UK's no 1 business lifestyle magazine" ...
* "What motivates us? It is hard to feel upbeat and motivated if one is ill or unfit."
* How to avoid the above: "Do not take too much on at once. If you are looking to make several life changes then, if at all possible, deal with them one by one; you can end up doing a great deal of work on too many things and achieving very little."
* "The telecoms industry is one of the fastest growing industries in the UK." So now you know.
* "One of the things that people dislike in most businesses is the cost, time and problem of having employees." So get rid of them.
* Technical economic jargon explained: "The market, where trading takes place, is simply a facility which allows organisations and individuals to trade with each other. "
* At last, an honest financial journalist: "Not for a moment can I attempt to give you the full run-down [on ISAs] in this short article. So that's enough rabbiting on from me; get professional advice on the best ways to invest your money."
Board creates magnetic field to achieve lift
Like Madonna, Sister Cristina Scuccia's video is also set in Venice
Singer says the track was 'force-fed down people's throats'
techThe original free dating app will remain the same, developers say
Endangered species spotted in a creek in the Qinling mountains
Trend which requires crisps, a fork and a strong stomach is sweeping Mexico's streets
Some experiencing postnatal depression don't realise there is a problem. What can be done?
- 1 Jack the Ripper: Scientist who claims to have identified notorious killer has 'made serious DNA error'
- 2 Banksy arrest hoax: Internet duped by fake report claiming street artist's identity has been revealed
- 3 Drink alcohol and eat meat to improve male fertility - but cut down on coffee, studies suggest
- 4 Former East 17 frontman Brian Harvey turns up at Downing Street and 'demands to speak to Prime Minister'
- 5 The inventor of the Facebook 'like' button says he never made a 'dislike' button because he feared the 'unfortunate consequences'
Ukraine crisis: Donetsk 'tactical missile' explosion at factory sends blast wave across rebel-held city
Jack the Ripper: Scientist who claims to have identified notorious killer has 'made serious DNA error'
Oscar de la Renta dead: Legendary US fashion designer dies after long cancer battle aged 82
Banksy arrest hoax: Internet duped by fake report claiming street artist's identity has been revealed
Super-sized ships arrive in Britain: How big can they get?
Cameron is warned 'no possibility' of UK reducing immigration and that bid to bring in quota on migrant workers would be illegal
Residents should throw a street party and mix with immigrant neighbours, councils told
Russell Brand threatened with arrest after filming outside Fox News headquarters
London bus driver 'kicks gay couple off for kissing'
Lord Freud: Tory welfare minister apologises after saying disabled people are 'not worth’ the minimum wage
Lord Freud hangs on as MPs of all parties 'call for his head' over disability comments
iJobs Money & Business
£23000 - £26000 Per Annum: Clearwater People Solutions Ltd: Our client is curr...
£25 - 30k: Guru Careers: A Corporate Actions Administrator / Operations Admini...
£18 - 23k + Benefits: Guru Careers: We are seeking a Customer Service Executiv...
£60 - 65k + Benefits: Guru Careers: We are seeking a ASP.NET Web Developer / ....