Rogue Trader: Carnival against anarchism!
Sunday 27 June 1999
Top tips on how to wind up a hippie and bring the whole evil, lazing- about-doing-nothing machine grinding to a halt:
J Disguise yourself as a Non-Hierarchical Community Acrobat. Nick a crate of Bollinger from the Shepton Mallet off-licence. Get drunk and throw the empty bottles at the Macrobiotic Vegetarian Samosa tent in a deadly rain of consumerist retribution. Co-ordinator: "Trousers" at Morgan Grenfell.
J Disorientate New Age Travellers by filtering Ecstacy out of the organic scrumpy supply. Co-ordinator: "Dr Feelgood" at Zeneca. He will be operating a field-lab in the back of his BMW.
J URGENT: Corporate lawyers still needed to help complete dawn-raid purchase of festival site. We plan to evict the hippies, fence off the site with razor wire and post signs saying: "Keep Out: site of proposed combined 20-lane by-pass, weapons-grade uranium enrichment plant and crated veal trans-shipment depot". Co-ordinator: "Swampy" from Tarmac, Corporate Affairs.
J Blockade all approaches by circling slowly in tax-perk company cars. Blast tapes of The Financial World Tonight out of the window, squirt CFCs, and throw litter out of the sun-roof. Knock over cyclists and use your Bull Bars to mow down any form of animal life you meet.
J Start a fight by ostentatiously eating a genetically modified whalemeat and tomato sandwich in the Chill Out tent.
J RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE!
J SHOW THESE PARASITES WE MEAN BUSINESS!
J HIT A HIPPIE AND WIN A MOBILE PHONE!
[Protest update: Rogue Trader has just discovered that access to the festival costs pounds 85; and that the whole thing will net a total of pounds 20m. Duly impressed by this exercise in raising huge sums of money by selling people a load of old rope, the Direct Action is cancelled. RT looks forward to a successful and profitable flotation of Glastonbury plc soon.
Amazing facts, pearls of wisdom and priceless know-how, culled this week from the glossy pages of FUTUR@BUSINESS, "the UK's no 1 business lifestyle magazine" ...
* "What motivates us? It is hard to feel upbeat and motivated if one is ill or unfit."
* How to avoid the above: "Do not take too much on at once. If you are looking to make several life changes then, if at all possible, deal with them one by one; you can end up doing a great deal of work on too many things and achieving very little."
* "The telecoms industry is one of the fastest growing industries in the UK." So now you know.
* "One of the things that people dislike in most businesses is the cost, time and problem of having employees." So get rid of them.
* Technical economic jargon explained: "The market, where trading takes place, is simply a facility which allows organisations and individuals to trade with each other. "
* At last, an honest financial journalist: "Not for a moment can I attempt to give you the full run-down [on ISAs] in this short article. So that's enough rabbiting on from me; get professional advice on the best ways to invest your money."
- 2 Harry Potter fans can apply to the Hogwarts-inspired College of Wizardry
- 3 Jessica Chambers: 19-year-old woman 'doused with lighter fluid and burned alive' in the US
- 4 Russell Brand calls Nigel Farage 'poundshop Enoch Powell' in BBC Question Time debate
- 5 Orange Wednesdays are no more
Weather bomb in pictures: Storms cuts power for tens of thousands – and snow is on the way
Jessica Chambers: 19-year-old woman 'doused with lighter fluid and burned alive' in the US
Russell Brand calls Nigel Farage 'poundshop Enoch Powell' in BBC Question Time debate
Russell Brand was rendered speechless on Question Time by this man
Fury at Airbus after it hints the super-jumbo may be mothballed
Disgruntled RBS worker writes hilarious open letter to Russell Brand after anti-capitalist publicity stunt leaves him hungry
Nigel Farage defends Kerry Smith 'ch***y' comment: 'If you are going for a Chinese, what do you say you’re going for?'
Nigel Farage's approval rating hits 'record low' as popularity suffers in wake of Ukip sex scandal
Rozanne Duncan: Ukip expels councillor for 'jaw-dropping' comments made in BBC TV interview
Sony hack: Angelina Jolie branded 'seriously out of her mind' in further embarrassing leaked email saga
Panic Saturday: 13 million Britons spend £1.2bn – while 13 million others across the country live in poverty unable to afford food
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