Rogue Trader: Carnival against anarchism!
Sunday 27 June 1999
Top tips on how to wind up a hippie and bring the whole evil, lazing- about-doing-nothing machine grinding to a halt:
J Disguise yourself as a Non-Hierarchical Community Acrobat. Nick a crate of Bollinger from the Shepton Mallet off-licence. Get drunk and throw the empty bottles at the Macrobiotic Vegetarian Samosa tent in a deadly rain of consumerist retribution. Co-ordinator: "Trousers" at Morgan Grenfell.
J Disorientate New Age Travellers by filtering Ecstacy out of the organic scrumpy supply. Co-ordinator: "Dr Feelgood" at Zeneca. He will be operating a field-lab in the back of his BMW.
J URGENT: Corporate lawyers still needed to help complete dawn-raid purchase of festival site. We plan to evict the hippies, fence off the site with razor wire and post signs saying: "Keep Out: site of proposed combined 20-lane by-pass, weapons-grade uranium enrichment plant and crated veal trans-shipment depot". Co-ordinator: "Swampy" from Tarmac, Corporate Affairs.
J Blockade all approaches by circling slowly in tax-perk company cars. Blast tapes of The Financial World Tonight out of the window, squirt CFCs, and throw litter out of the sun-roof. Knock over cyclists and use your Bull Bars to mow down any form of animal life you meet.
J Start a fight by ostentatiously eating a genetically modified whalemeat and tomato sandwich in the Chill Out tent.
J RAGE AGAINST THE MACHINE!
J SHOW THESE PARASITES WE MEAN BUSINESS!
J HIT A HIPPIE AND WIN A MOBILE PHONE!
[Protest update: Rogue Trader has just discovered that access to the festival costs pounds 85; and that the whole thing will net a total of pounds 20m. Duly impressed by this exercise in raising huge sums of money by selling people a load of old rope, the Direct Action is cancelled. RT looks forward to a successful and profitable flotation of Glastonbury plc soon.
Amazing facts, pearls of wisdom and priceless know-how, culled this week from the glossy pages of FUTUR@BUSINESS, "the UK's no 1 business lifestyle magazine" ...
* "What motivates us? It is hard to feel upbeat and motivated if one is ill or unfit."
* How to avoid the above: "Do not take too much on at once. If you are looking to make several life changes then, if at all possible, deal with them one by one; you can end up doing a great deal of work on too many things and achieving very little."
* "The telecoms industry is one of the fastest growing industries in the UK." So now you know.
* "One of the things that people dislike in most businesses is the cost, time and problem of having employees." So get rid of them.
* Technical economic jargon explained: "The market, where trading takes place, is simply a facility which allows organisations and individuals to trade with each other. "
* At last, an honest financial journalist: "Not for a moment can I attempt to give you the full run-down [on ISAs] in this short article. So that's enough rabbiting on from me; get professional advice on the best ways to invest your money."
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- 4 James Blunt was special guest on the highest-rating Top Gear episode ever
- 5 The biggest first date turnoff has been revealed
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