Rogue Trader: What's happening this week

Monday

Eurosceptics in paradise as plucky Sun Life reports on battle plan to resist conquest and occupation by jack-booted stormtroopers of the German- Swiss insurance axis. Tabloids a-go-go as the World Trade Organisation rules against sneaky yank tactics in the US/EU trade retaliation war over banana supply.

Tuesday

Halifax house price survey. Expect localised market distortions caused by soaring value of scruffy west London shop fronts in wake of Ussama El-Kurd-style bureau de change developments. Meanwhile, Britain's biggest coal-mining operation, RJB, reports on the same day that Arthur Scargill's NUM holds a strike ballot. Watch out for flying pickets, silver birches and senior managers walking around with paper bags over their heads.

Wednesday

Bank of England Monetary Policy Committee meets to deliberate on interest rates. No change likely unless, later in the same day, Inter-Milan beat Manchester United, activating Malaysian-linked City-wide spread-betting syndicates, putting everyone in a bad mood, wiping millions off BSkyB's share price, tripping the overpriced London equity market into a nosedive.

Thursday

RailTrack will offer pounds 17bn worth of tenders - ideal if you've got an option on warped railway sleepers and malfunctioning signalling equipment that you acquired cheaply in one of those dodgy Eastern Europe "shock privatisation" schemes. PowerGen and Rolls-Royce are also due to report.

So, a good day all round for screwing up the environment.

Friday

United News and Media announce full-year earnings. Lord Hollick continues to throw money down the drain trying to persuade porn mag readers that they are better off with the Daily Star; and in trying to convince traditional ultra-Conservative Express readers that they are stupid, wrinkly dinosaurs who ought to develop a deep interest in gay rights, Cool Britannia and how wonderful New Labour is.

Also, City folk celebrate the traditional Dead Cat Friday Day. In an annual ceremony - organised by the Worshipful Company of Analysts, Tipsters, Con-men and Blag-Artists - Nicola Horlick will throw a dead cat off the top of the NatWest tower.

The extent of its bounce will then be measured and this will determine the health of the World Economy and what to say to clients.

(This last bit is not true yet.)

The Four Frankensteins

Monsanto head ROBERT B SCHAPIRO maker of Frankenstein Foods.

EDGAR M BRONFMANN chief executive of Canadian booze manufacturers Seagram, who are now the owners of Universal Studios and all its back catalogue - which features several Frankenstein movies, including the 1931 Boris Karloff original.

DR THOMAS MIDDELHOFF head of Bertelsmann, which owns Bantum-Doubleday, one of the main publishers of Frankenstein books.

DR JOHN C MALONE the mad professor who has created the world's largest Frankenstein company - Liberty Media International - by sewing together an American phone company, a cable TV network, a former British oil company, bits and pieces of Ted Turner, with entrails and limbs of the BBC, Bill Gates, and Time Warner.

Frankenstein, like any corporate big-wig, only wanted to be loved. But in the end, a mob of ignorant, torch-wielding peasants surrounded his castle and burned it to the ground. Well that's peasants for you - always standing in the way of scientific progress.

The week's commodity news in a nutshell ...

Brokers are trying to corner the world market in aluminium. Also zinc. They have been limbering up by cornering lead. Gold is soaring because it's the Chinese year of the rabbit. Silver is up in New York, but copper is gloomy. Palladium is still volatile. Nickel started the week bravely, but then peaked. Oilseed and rapeseed are plentiful and cheap. So is meat. But palm oil is expensive and rare, because the Indonesians can't be bothered to make it anymore (who can blame them?). Kiwi fruit is soaring, especially in Japan. Everything from Columbia (coffee and cocaine) costs more on account of the recent earthquake.

Priceless pearls of wisdom, astounding facts and crucial information to keep you ahead in today's hurly-burly. This week culled from MANAGEMENT TODAY ...

* The world is changing and we are ever more demanding in terms of customising our lifestyles.

* Make sure you are well briefed on the new employment laws. (Advice for personnel managers in huge companies.)

* Love it or loath it, the internet can't be ignored.

* When hiring staff, you should behave "like a dentist".

* Apart from listening (and Braille) your eyes are the only way to absorb data. That means reading.

* Wearing a neck-tie with a company logo on it can "engender a sense of community".

Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
ebooks
ebooksA special investigation by Andy McSmith
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs Money & Business

Ashdown Group: Treasury Assistant - Accounts Assistant - London, Old Street

£24000 - £26000 per annum + benefits : Ashdown Group: A highly successful, glo...

Ashdown Group: Business Analyst - Financial Services - City, London

£50000 - £55000 per annum: Ashdown Group: Business Analyst - Financial Service...

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£18000 - £23000 per annum + OTE £45K: SThree: At SThree, we like to be differe...

SThree: Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£20000 - £25000 per annum + competitive: SThree: Did you know? SThree is the o...

Day In a Page

General Election 2015: Chuka Umunna on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband

Chuka Umunna: A virus of racism runs through Ukip

The shadow business secretary on the benefits of immigration, humility – and his leader Ed Miliband
Yemen crisis: This exotic war will soon become Europe's problem

Yemen's exotic war will soon affect Europe

Terrorism and boatloads of desperate migrants will be the outcome of the Saudi air campaign, says Patrick Cockburn
Marginal Streets project aims to document voters in the run-up to the General Election

Marginal Streets project documents voters

Independent photographers Joseph Fox and Orlando Gili are uploading two portraits of constituents to their website for each day of the campaign
Game of Thrones: Visit the real-life kingdom of Westeros to see where violent history ends and telly tourism begins

The real-life kingdom of Westeros

Is there something a little uncomfortable about Game of Thrones shooting in Northern Ireland?
How to survive a social-media mauling, by the tough women of Twitter

How to survive a Twitter mauling

Mary Beard, Caroline Criado-Perez, Louise Mensch, Bunny La Roche and Courtney Barrasford reveal how to trounce the trolls
Gallipoli centenary: At dawn, the young remember the young who perished in one of the First World War's bloodiest battles

At dawn, the young remember the young

A century ago, soldiers of the Empire – many no more than boys – spilt on to Gallipoli’s beaches. On this 100th Anzac Day, there are personal, poetic tributes to their sacrifice
Dissent is slowly building against the billions spent on presidential campaigns – even among politicians themselves

Follow the money as never before

Dissent is slowly building against the billions spent on presidential campaigns – even among politicians themselves, reports Rupert Cornwell
Samuel West interview: The actor and director on austerity, unionisation, and not mentioning his famous parents

Samuel West interview

The actor and director on austerity, unionisation, and not mentioning his famous parents
General Election 2015: Imagine if the leading political parties were fashion labels

Imagine if the leading political parties were fashion labels

Fashion editor, Alexander Fury, on what the leaders' appearances tell us about them
Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka: Home can be the unsafest place for women

Phumzile Mlambo-Ngcuka: Home can be the unsafest place for women

The architect of the HeForShe movement and head of UN Women on the world's failure to combat domestic violence
Public relations as 'art'? Surely not

Confessions of a former PR man

The 'art' of public relations is being celebrated by the V&A museum, triggering some happy memories for DJ Taylor
Bill Granger recipes: Our chef succumbs to his sugar cravings with super-luxurious sweet treats

Bill Granger's luxurious sweet treats

Our chef loves to stop for 30 minutes to catch up on the day's gossip, while nibbling on something sweet
London Marathon 2015: Paula Radcliffe and the mother of all goodbyes

The mother of all goodbyes

Paula Radcliffe's farewell to the London Marathon will be a family affair
Everton vs Manchester United: Steven Naismith demands 'better' if Toffees are to upset the odds against United

Steven Naismith: 'We know we must do better'

The Everton forward explains the reasons behind club's decline this season
Arsenal vs Chelsea: Praise to Arsene Wenger for having the courage of his convictions

Michael Calvin's Last Word

Praise to Wenger for having the courage of his convictions