Rogue Trader: What's happening this week ...

Monday

It's National Human Resource Development Week. So sack some more people. Servomex - which claims to have cornered the world market in gas analysis technology with household name brands such as the sexily titled Xentra 4900 Continuous Emissions Analyser - is to issue figures.

Tuesday

More hot gas as the British Rail Consortium issues its consumer trends survey. Expect news of a gathering consumer boom, led by the bellwether DIY and white-goods sector, which always does well on the back of positive house price propaganda such as that issued last week. The Cannons Group, an extremely fascinating company, which has lately been building a position in health clubs, to report on another year spent charging ageing baby boomers a fortune in their quixotic attempt to fight the flab. EU Consumer Affairs ministers to meet, leading to a wave of traditional "Bonkers Brussels bans our burgers" tabloid headlines.

Wednesday

Pressac, largely responsible for "intelligent dashboards" bristling with useless visual displays, to issue figures. The company has been growing steadily in recent years, proving that people will pay good money to be kept informed of the air temperature outside their car, be able to time gear changes by scanning a computerised rev-counter, and be able to call up a street plan of Grimsby. Personally, I suggest sticking to furry dice. Mersey Docks and Harbours to report. Now fully privatised, it has closed its related cross-Channel ferry business and taken on the management of the Port of Maputo in Mozambique. Very sensible.

Thursday

Building society day. Irish Permanent and Woolwich to report. A pretty predictable day, enlivened mainly by news from Electra, the venture capital people behind everything from plastic child-proof bottle screw tops and pigfeed to Her Majesty's Stationery Office and the mooted European football super league.

Friday

News from Viglen Technology, the principal remains of the once all-conquering Amstrad home computers and tacky gismos business.

News review

Priceless advice, life-saving information, amazing facts and other nuggets which are definitely worth paying to read. This week drawn from the mighty Economist which has evidently dropped its fusty neo-conservative news agenda to become every middle-aged hippy's weekly price check on world cocaine prices and general guidebook to high-flying international sexual perversion.

"In Surinam [in South America], one automatic gun will buy you a kilo of cocaine." So don't pay more.

Dateline San Antero, Columbia: "The three-day Festival of the Donkey culminates in a beauty contest in which the beasts are dressed up in women's clothes and paraded around the village. Rumour says that adolescent males in this isolated coastal community confirm their manhood in intimate liaison with the creatures."

"Peyote grows naturally in only four US counties. You can buy it legally if you join the official Native American Peyote Church. The drug costs $150 for 1,000 fresh buttons or $170 for 1,000 dried buttons." Not yet available in The Body Shop

"Thanks to a Dutch invention, a women's urinal is now on sale. The so-called `Lady P' is designed to save women time and cut queues for the `ladies room'."

"In Singapore, just half a kilo of cannabis counts as trafficking and carries a mandatory death sentence." Three people were hanged "for possession of a small amount of diamorphine [heroin] and a few pounds of cannabis". Moral: Singapore is totally, heavily and absolutely uncool.

The Economist's term for smuggling: "unofficial arbitrage".

Economic bananas

AGGRESSIVE BANANAS: Madeleine Albright celebrates outright victory in the Banana War after the World Trade Organisation meeting last week. However, victory in the Balkan war may take a little longer.

BANANA REPUBLIC: SNP leader Alex Salmond starts campaigning in earnest for the Scottish Assembly elections aiming for an independent Scottish republic.

TOP BANANA: Eddie George after his interest rate cut.

BANANARAMA: Back to the Eighties with soaring property prices, militant estate agents, over-valued London and New York stock markets, frothy consumer activity, and war in far off parts.

Commodity news in a nutshell ...

Cocoa futures are massively down because chocolate makers (Belgians) are using a "just in time" strategy. Oil paused to consider its recent rally and felt cheerful because America is just about to enter the "driving season". Base metals were lacklustre, but only aluminium actually fell back, and it is now looking very cheap. The International Pepper Exchange, which is based in India, increased volumes after becoming dollar-denominated. The already noisy exchange is now making a right old din. Oilseed, coffee and cocoa were pretty cheap, but wood pulp became expensive as, after a short break, the Japanese started buying it again.

Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
ebooks
ebooksA special investigation by Andy McSmith
News
Approved Food sell products past their sell-by dates at discounted prices
i100
Sport
Jonny Evans and Papiss Cisse come together
football
News
Life-changing: Simone de Beauvoir in 1947, two years before she wrote 'The Second Sex', credited as the starting point of second wave feminism
peopleHer seminal feminist polemic, The Second Sex, has been published in short-form to mark International Women's Day
News
i100
Arts and Entertainment
The beat is on: Alfred Doda, Gjevat Kelmendi and Orli Shuka in ‘Hyena’
filmReview: Hyena takes corruption and sleaziness to a truly epic level
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs Money & Business

Recruitment Genius: Evening Administrator

£8 per hour: Recruitment Genius: This Pension Specialist was established early...

Guru Careers: Executive Assistant / PA

£30 - 35k + Bonus & Benefits: Guru Careers: We are seeking an Executive Assist...

Ashdown Group: Graduate Application Support Analyst

£25000 - £30000 per annum + benefits: Ashdown Group: A global leader operating...

Reach Volunteering: External Finance Trustee Needed!

Voluntary post, reasonable expenses reimbursed: Reach Volunteering: Would you ...

Day In a Page

Homeless Veterans campaign: Donations hit record-breaking £1m target after £300,000 gift from Lloyds Bank

Homeless Veterans campaign

Donations hit record-breaking £1m target after huge gift from Lloyds Bank
Flight MH370 a year on: Lost without a trace – but the search goes on

Lost without a trace

But, a year on, the search continues for Flight MH370
Germany's spymasters left red-faced after thieves break into brand new secret service HQ and steal taps

Germany's spy HQ springs a leak

Thieves break into new €1.5bn complex... to steal taps
International Women's Day 2015: Celebrating the whirlwind wit of Simone de Beauvoir

Whirlwind wit of Simone de Beauvoir

Simone de Beauvoir's seminal feminist polemic, 'The Second Sex', has been published in short-form for International Women's Day
Mark Zuckerberg’s hiring policy might suit him – but it wouldn’t work for me

Mark Zuckerberg’s hiring policy might suit him – but it wouldn’t work for me

Why would I want to employ someone I’d be happy to have as my boss, asks Simon Kelner
Confessions of a planespotter: With three Britons under arrest in the UAE, the perils have never been more apparent

Confessions of a planespotter

With three Britons under arrest in the UAE, the perils have never been more apparent. Sam Masters explains the appeal
Russia's gulag museum 'makes no mention' of Stalin's atrocities

Russia's gulag museum

Ministry of Culture-run site 'makes no mention' of Stalin's atrocities
The big fresh food con: Alarming truth behind the chocolate muffin that won't decay

The big fresh food con

Joanna Blythman reveals the alarming truth behind the chocolate muffin that won't decay
Virginia Ironside was my landlady: What is it like to live with an agony aunt on call 24/7?

Virginia Ironside was my landlady

Tim Willis reveals what it's like to live with an agony aunt on call 24/7
Paris Fashion Week 2015: The wit and wisdom of Manish Arora's exercise in high camp

Paris Fashion Week 2015

The wit and wisdom of Manish Arora's exercise in high camp
8 best workout DVDs

8 best workout DVDs

If your 'New Year new you' regime hasn’t lasted beyond February, why not try working out from home?
Frank Warren column: Amir Khan ready to meet winner of Floyd Mayweather v Manny Pacquiao

Khan ready to meet winner of Mayweather v Pacquiao

The Bolton fighter is unlikely to take on Kell Brook with two superstar opponents on the horizon, says Frank Warren
War with Isis: Iraq's government fights to win back Tikrit from militants - but then what?

Baghdad fights to win back Tikrit from Isis – but then what?

Patrick Cockburn reports from Kirkuk on a conflict which sectarianism has made intractable
Living with Alzheimer's: What is it really like to be diagnosed with early-onset dementia?

What is it like to live with Alzheimer's?

Depicting early-onset Alzheimer's, the film 'Still Alice' had a profound effect on Joy Watson, who lives with the illness. She tells Kate Hilpern how she's coped with the diagnosis
The Internet of Things: Meet the British salesman who gave real-world items a virtual life

Setting in motion the Internet of Things

British salesman Kevin Ashton gave real-world items a virtual life