Rogue Trader: What's happening this week

MONDAY

Bank Holiday: much-needed rest for the 6,000 Barclays Bank employees recently down-sized.

TUESDAY

It's National Childcare Week. Check to see if you have any children. If so, install a secret camera at home to make sure the Latvian nanny is not torturing them. Make an effort to be home before midnight at least once this week. Lloyd's List prints fuzzy (faked) 10-year-old picture of Sir Nicholas Goodison lifting up Nicola Horlick's jumper while off his face at a Society of Chartered Actuaries' annual Christmas Dinner dance.

WEDNESDAY

Lloyd's List apologises to Nicola Horlick. Financial Times to print (faked) tape transcript of Eddie George boasting of his weekend exploits as a King's Cross crack dealer after reporters pose as members of First National Import/Export Bank of Chechnya. "I only did it to try and impress them and make them feel at home," he explains.

THURSDAY

Which? Telephone magazine to run (faked) 15-year-old "world exclusive" pictures of Lord King in a posing pouch cavorting with Richard Branson in a Bangkok massage parlour. Boots and Pilkington finals, but City shows more interest in the Cricket World Cup finals.

FRIDAY

Richard Branson offers more nude pics of self to the world's press: "No publicity is bad publicity." Rupert Murdoch bid for Which? Telephone magazine is referred to OFT. Osborne & Little Finals. Everybody apologises to everybody else and heads off to the country for the weekend. National Childcare week ends.

Commodities ... the soap opera

Previously in Commodity News: the base metals took to bullying Softs, and Aluminium broke off his affair with Saffron. Graphite was in jail after being framed by the Cartel Cops. Coffee was hyperactive and cocoa depressed. Brent Futures was feeling cocky and picked a fight with Bell Weathers. Cotton broke up a pub brawl between Lean Hogs and Pork Bellies. Former glamour-puss Sugar was depressed and turning to alcohol again.

Now read on: exotic new character African Cobalt was in town, trying to interest the ever-delinquent base metals in a super alloy scheme linked to the Congo. He promised "significant quantities of metal" from Zambia. Coffee, the manic depressive, was still on a high, but nobody expected that to last.

Uranium was drafted into the military and was soon depleted. Bell Weathers insulted Brent Futures, who turned sulky and started plotting his revenge. But what form will it take? Tune in to the next episode of Commodity News; the world's first soap starring non-ferrous metals and tradeable put options.

The current edition of Business Week features a very important report on the potato chip (frites) industry in Belgium ...

* "A love of potatoes represents one of the few unifying factors in Belgium."

* Important statistics: Belgium has 10 million people, 7,000 chip shops and each Belgian eats an average 100 kilos of chips every year.

* Celebrity chip-eaters: "King Leopold II, the most outsized figure in Belgian history and conqueror of the Congo, first ate frites when he visited fairgrounds then he ordered them to be prepared at the Royal Palace.

* Why Belgium is more interesting than Idaho: "It is the world's largest potato field," says Eric Desmaret, director of the European Association of Potato Processing Industries. Eric comes from Belgium.

* "One winter in the 19th century, ice made fishing. So Belgians cut up potatoes in the shape of small fish and fried them instead."

* In 1861, a Brussels entrepreneur named Frites opened a stand selling fried potatoes in Brussels and gave his name to the invention.

The week's Four Fords ...

HARRISON FORD: Indiana Jones, Raider of the Lost Ark or, in Welsh, Jones the Raider. Highly successful actor.

EX-PRESIDENT GERALD FORD: Highly successful at walking in a straight line and chewing gum at the same time.

JOHN FORD: Highly successful Wild West film director.

FORD UK: Highly successful at blackmailing the Government into providing multi-million subsidies in return for not closing down its South Wales engine plant, throwing 1,400 on the dole.

Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
Arts and Entertainment
The teaser trailer has provoked more questions than answers
filmBut what is Bond's 'secret' that Moneypenny is talking about?
Sport
football This was Kane’s night, even if he played just a small part of it
Travel
travel Dreamland Margate, Britain’s oldest amusement park, is set to reopen
News
news
News
Founders James Brown and Tim Southwell with a mock-up of the first ever ‘Loaded’ magazine in 1994
media
News
Threlfall says: 'I am a guardian of the reality keys. I think I drive directors nuts'
people
Voices
voices The group has just unveiled a billion dollar plan to help nurse the British countryside back to health
News
The Westgate, a gay pub in the centre of Gloucester which played host to drag queens, has closed
news
ebooks
ebooksA special investigation by Andy McSmith
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs Money & Business

Recruitment Genius: Retirement Coordinator - Financial Services

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: To provide a prompt, friendly and efficient se...

Recruitment Genius: Annuities / Pensions Administrator

Negotiable: Recruitment Genius: You will be the first point of contact for all...

Ashdown Group: HR, Payroll & Benefits Officer - Altrincham - up to £24,000.

£18000 - £24000 per annum + benefits: Ashdown Group: HR, Payroll & Benefits Of...

Ashdown Group: Learning and Development Programme Manager

£35000 - £38000 per annum + benefits : Ashdown Group: A highly successful, int...

Day In a Page

The saffron censorship that governs India: Why national pride and religious sentiment trump freedom of expression

The saffron censorship that governs India

Zareer Masani reveals why national pride and religious sentiment trump freedom of expression
Prince Charles' 'black spider' letters to be published 'within weeks'

Prince Charles' 'black spider' letters to be published 'within weeks'

Supreme Court rules Dominic Grieve's ministerial veto was invalid
Distressed Zayn Malik fans are cutting themselves - how did fandom get so dark?

How did fandom get so dark?

Grief over Zayn Malik's exit from One Direction seemed amusing until stories of mass 'cutting' emerged. Experts tell Gillian Orr the distress is real, and the girls need support
The galaxy collisions that shed light on unseen parallel Universe

The cosmic collisions that have shed light on unseen parallel Universe

Dark matter study gives scientists insight into mystery of space
The Swedes are adding a gender-neutral pronoun to their dictionary

Swedes introduce gender-neutral pronoun

Why, asks Simon Usborne, must English still struggle awkwardly with the likes of 's/he' and 'they'?
Disney's mega money-making formula: 'Human' remakes of cartoon classics are part of a lucrative, long-term creative plan

Disney's mega money-making formula

'Human' remakes of cartoon classics are part of a lucrative, long-term creative plan
Lobster has gone mainstream with supermarket bargains for £10 or less - but is it any good?

Lobster has gone mainstream

Anthea Gerrie, raised on meaty specimens from the waters around Maine, reveals how to cook up an affordable feast
Easter 2015: 14 best decorations

14 best Easter decorations

Get into the Easter spirit with our pick of accessories, ornaments and tableware
Paul Scholes column: Gareth Bale would be a perfect fit at Manchester United and could turn them into serious title contenders next season

Paul Scholes column

Gareth Bale would be a perfect fit at Manchester United and could turn them into serious title contenders next season
Inside the Kansas greenhouses where Monsanto is 'playing God' with the future of the planet

The future of GM

The greenhouses where Monsanto 'plays God' with the future of the planet
Britain's mild winters could be numbered: why global warming is leaving UK chillier

Britain's mild winters could be numbered

Gulf Stream is slowing down faster than ever, scientists say
Government gives £250,000 to Independent appeal

Government gives £250,000 to Independent appeal

Donation brings total raised by Homeless Veterans campaign to at least £1.25m
Oh dear, the most borrowed book at Bank of England library doesn't inspire confidence

The most borrowed book at Bank of England library? Oh dear

The book's fifth edition is used for Edexcel exams
Cowslips vs honeysuckle: The hunt for the UK’s favourite wildflower

Cowslips vs honeysuckle

It's the hunt for UK’s favourite wildflower
Child abuse scandal: Did a botched blackmail attempt by South African intelligence help Cyril Smith escape justice?

Did a botched blackmail attempt help Cyril Smith escape justice?

A fresh twist reveals the Liberal MP was targeted by the notorious South African intelligence agency Boss