Charmed Life

The words `can you move a little closer, I'm rather short sighted' do not sit kindly on a plastic surgeon's lips. After a succession of `smile!', `grimace!', `smile!' he excused himself, and I sat up on the bed scanning the room for instruments of torture

My appointments on Monday read something like this: am: plastic surgery, pm: blind date. An outsider to my cramped little Filofax might be forgiven for thinking I was having plastic surgery in order to be chosen on Blind Date. But no, the two were not linked. Well they were linked, but only in that neither of them happened. I had been psyching myself up for plastic surgery for a whole two weeks.

I arrived at the overheated, over-priced private hospital, only to be told that Mr X was running late. This was a blow - I had almost got killed racing to the hospital. It was not the NHS and I had been foolishly telling myself Mr X would be waiting, on the dot, brandishing his gleaming scalpel.

The waiting room had no coffee machine, no water machine and no glossies. The only form of distraction was the sports section of a newspaper, which I might have been forced to leaf through in desperation, but that was being read by the man sitting opposite me. I stared at him. What was wrong with him? What was he having removed, enhanced, reshaped? I looked at his nose, eyes, chin - nothing untoward. It must be something under his clothes, I thought. I really couldn't begin to imagine what horrors were nestling beneath his city suit, so I gave up and went to the loo. Now, in this loo there was no lock on the door and no mirror. What does that say? How about this scenario? Patient leaves surgeon's room after plastic surgery, goes to loo, sees face in mirror, then locks herself in loo never wishing to come out again. Well, that's what it said to me.

At that point Mr X, apologising for his lateness came to escort me to his room. We got off to a bad start. The words "can you move a little closer, I'm rather short sighted" do not sit kindly on a plastic surgeon's lips. After a succession of "smile!", "grimace!", "smile!" he excused himself, and I sat up on the bed scanning the room for instruments of torture. What was I going to look like in an hour's time - this short- sighted, tardy man held the destiny of my face in his hands.

I had warned my lunch date that I might be a little bit, well - bandaged. He seemed to think that in true Hollywood style I should stay in self- imposed exile in a hotel for six months with my bandages, big dark glasses, a kimono and a bottle of vodka.

Anyway he didn't do it. Mr X didn't have his magnifying "loops" with him and he wanted to do a neat job on me. His parting shot was "Do you ever appear on television?" "No" I said, "but don't let that stop you doing a TV-standard job".

Then I remembered - that night - blind date. That didn't happen either, but that's another story.

Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
ebooks
ebooksA special investigation by Andy McSmith
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Ashdown Group: Front-End UI Application Developer

£30000 - £40000 per annum + Benefits: Ashdown Group: Front-End UI Application ...

Recruitment Genius: Digital Account Executive

£18000 - £26000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: They work with major vehicle ma...

Recruitment Genius: Service Engineers - Doncaster / Hull

£27000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: Domestic Service Only Engineers are requ...

Recruitment Genius: Employability / Recruitment Adviser

£23600 - £27500 per annum: Recruitment Genius: The Employability Service withi...

Day In a Page

Where the spooks get their coffee fix: The busiest Starbucks in the US is also the most secretive

The secret CIA Starbucks

The coffee shop is deep inside the agency's forested Virginia compound
Revealed: How the Establishment closed ranks over fallout from Loch Ness Monster 'sighting'

How the Establishment closed ranks over fallout from Nessie 'sighting'

The Natural History Museum's chief scientist was dismissed for declaring he had found the monster
One million Britons using food banks, according to Trussell Trust

One million Britons using food banks

Huge surge in number of families dependent on emergency food aid
Excavation at Italian cafe to fix rising damp unearths 2,500 years of history in 3,000 amazing objects

2,500 years of history in 3,000 amazing objects

Excavation at Italian cafe to fix rising damp unearths trove
The Hubble Space Telescope's amazing journey, 25 years on

The Hubble Space Telescope's amazing journey 25 years on

The space telescope was seen as a costly flop on its first release
Did Conservative peer Lord Ashcroft quit the House of Lords to become a non-dom?

Did Lord Ashcroft quit the House of Lords to become a non-dom?

A document seen by The Independent shows that a week after he resigned from the Lords he sold 350,000 shares in an American company - netting him $11.2m
Apple's ethnic emojis are being used to make racist comments on social media

Ethnic emojis used in racist comments

They were intended to promote harmony, but have achieved the opposite
Sir Kenneth Branagh interview: 'My bones are in the theatre'

Sir Kenneth Branagh: 'My bones are in the theatre'

The actor-turned-director’s new company will stage five plays from October – including works by Shakespeare and John Osborne
The sloth is now the face (and furry body) of three big advertising campaigns

The sloth is the face of three ad campaigns

Priya Elan discovers why slow and sleepy wins the race for brands in need of a new image
How to run a restaurant: As two newbies discovered, there's more to it than good food

How to run a restaurant

As two newbies discovered, there's more to it than good food
Record Store Day: Remembering an era when buying and selling discs were labours of love

Record Store Day: The vinyl countdown

For Lois Pryce, working in a record shop was a dream job - until the bean counters ruined it
Usher, Mary J Blige and Will.i.am to give free concert as part of the Global Poverty Project

Mary J Blige and Will.i.am to give free concert

The concert in Washington is part of the Global Citizen project, which aims to encourage young people to donate to charity
10 best tote bags

Accessorise with a stylish shopper this spring: 10 best tote bags

We find carriers with room for all your essentials (and a bit more)
Paul Scholes column: I hear Manchester City are closing on Pep Guardiola for next summer – but I'd also love to see Jürgen Klopp managing in England

Paul Scholes column

I hear Manchester City are closing on Pep Guardiola for next summer – but I'd also love to see Jürgen Klopp managing in England
Jessica Ennis-Hill: 'I just want to give it my best shot'

Jessica Ennis-Hill: 'I just want to give it my best shot'

The heptathlete has gone from the toast of the nation to being a sleep-deprived mum - but she’s ready to compete again. She just doesn't know how well she'll do...