Dear Patrick Kluivert

You've given new meaning to the phrase 'football strip'. Just hang on to your dignity and you can beat the world, not just the Republic of Ireland

Are you feeling good? I'll bet you are. And I'll tell you something else: on Wednesday's evidence, you're sure as heck looking good. Your defeat of Ireland didn't just bring tears to Jack Charlton's eyes, it extracted sobs from most of the women in Europe. Those ducky pecs, the laundry-processing stomach, the roundy bits, the straining sinews: they almost persuaded me to like football.

But a quick word in the old shell-like. I want to talk to you about marketing. You're already a hero in your own field, but now you've proven that you have star quality in bags. We're talking style here: a sort of style that our British thugs can only dream about. The way you stripped your shirt off after scoring your second goal was so perfectly executed that we could make a tidy penny selling it on video to football training courses: Kluivert as the Do - and Gascoigne, tongue hanging from mouth, as the Don't.

Maybe you've spent your formative years practising but it usually requires many takes for, say, Keanu Reeves, another famous torso, to rip off a shirt with a movement so clean. The combination of insouciance and precision - taking the time to untuck the hem from that place where John Major is reputed to keep his so that nothing snagged or rode up, not breaking your stride as you peeled it over your torso, the graceful supermodel over- the-head whirl - display a sophistication that belies your 19 years. With the right handling you have a bright, bright future.

You're a lion among puppy-dogs. You must keep it that way. Gazza may have been the ideal front man for Brut but you are made for greater things. Calvin Klein keks, for instance, or one of those high-sex scents like Obsession, whose ads consist mainly of nakedness. And one of the designers who sell clothes to the pop-star disco market should snap you up: you'd look lovely in a Versace waistcoat. Or a nice coat of Haagen-Dazs, for that matter.

But keep your dignity. A well-crafted No can be worth a million dollars. Don't, for instance, even think about modelling for the Littlewoods catalogue. The Lucozade account may be lucrative, but you're not a family product. And as for snack foods: we all love Gary Lineker, bless him, but you're more caviare than crisps. Stay upmarket and the market will come to you.

So those are the advertising possibilities. There are other options. Film would be one. OK, so you may not be able to act but that never stopped Sonja Henie. I think, though, that your obvious next step is pop stardom. Stock, Aitken have presumably already been in touch about that hi-energy version of "That's the Way (uh-huh uh-huh) I Like it". But there's another opening you should seriously be considering. Why not replace Robbie in Take That? Maybe you're a little young, but you'd add a nice multiracial touch and you've certainly proved you're a great little mover.

Think about it. I'm more than happy to help you to decide.

SERENA MACKESY

PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
News
ebooksAn unforgettable anthology of contemporary reportage
News
peopleStella McCartney apologises over controversial Instagram picture
Voices
voices
Arts and Entertainment
Hayley Williams performs with Paramore in New York
musicParamore singer says 'Steal Your Girl' is itself stolen from a New Found Glory hit
Sport
Ronaldinho signs the t-shirt of a pitch invader
footballProof they are getting bolder
News
William Hague
people... when he called Hague the county's greatest
Extras
indybestKeep extra warm this year with our 10 best bedspreads
News
More than 90 years of car history are coming to an end with the abolition of the paper car-tax disc
newsThis and other facts you never knew about the paper circle - completely obsolete today
Voices
voicesBy the man who has
Arts and Entertainment
Ed Sheeran performs at his Amazon Front Row event on Tuesday 30 September
musicHe spotted PM at private gig
Sport
Arsene Wenger tried to sign Eden Hazard
footballAfter 18 years with Arsenal, here are 18 things he has still never done as the Gunners' manager
News
people'I’d rather have Fred and Rose West quote my characters on childcare'
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs General

Associate Recrutiment Consultant

£18000 - £23000 per annum + Uncapped OTE: SThree: SThree Group have been well ...

Trainee Recruitment Consultant

£18000 - £23000 per annum + OTE: SThree: Real Staffing Group is seeking Traine...

Year 6 Teacher (interventions)

£120 - £140 per day: Randstad Education Leeds: We have an exciting opportunity...

PMLD Teacher

Competitive: Randstad Education Manchester: SEN Teacher urgently required for ...

Day In a Page

Ebola outbreak: The children orphaned by the virus – then rejected by surviving relatives over fear of infection

The children orphaned by Ebola...

... then rejected by surviving relatives over fear of infection
Pride: Are censors pandering to homophobia?

Are censors pandering to homophobia?

US film censors have ruled 'Pride' unfit for under-16s, though it contains no sex or violence
The magic of roundabouts

Lords of the rings

Just who are the Roundabout Appreciation Society?
Why do we like making lists?

Notes to self: Why do we like making lists?

Well it was good enough for Ancient Egyptians and Picasso...
Hong Kong protests: A good time to open a new restaurant?

A good time to open a new restaurant in Hong Kong?

As pro-democracy demonstrators hold firm, chef Rowley Leigh, who's in the city to open a new restaurant, says you couldn't hope to meet a nicer bunch
Paris Fashion Week: Karl Lagerfeld leads a feminist riot on 'Boulevard Chanel'

Paris Fashion Week

Lagerfeld leads a feminist riot on 'Boulevard Chanel'
Bruce Chatwin's Wales: One of the finest one-day walks in Britain

Simon Calder discovers Bruce Chatwin's Wales

One of the finest one-day walks you could hope for - in Britain
10 best children's nightwear

10 best children's nightwear

Make sure the kids stay cosy on cooler autumn nights in this selection of pjs, onesies and nighties
Manchester City vs Roma: Five things we learnt from City’s draw at the Etihad

Manchester City vs Roma

Five things we learnt from City’s Champions League draw at the Etihad
Martin Hardy: Mike Ashley must act now and end the Alan Pardew reign

Trouble on the Tyne

Ashley must act now and end Pardew's reign at Newcastle, says Martin Hardy
Isis is an hour from Baghdad, the Iraq army has little chance against it, and air strikes won't help

Isis an hour away from Baghdad -

and with no sign of Iraq army being able to make a successful counter-attack
Turner Prize 2014 is frustratingly timid

Turner Prize 2014 is frustratingly timid

The exhibition nods to rich and potentially brilliant ideas, but steps back
Last chance to see: Half the world’s animals have disappeared over the last 40 years

Last chance to see...

The Earth’s animal wildlife population has halved in 40 years
So here's why teenagers are always grumpy - and it's not what you think

Truth behind teens' grumpiness

Early school hours mess with their biological clocks
Why can no one stop hackers putting celebrities' private photos online?

Hacked photos: the third wave

Why can no one stop hackers putting celebrities' private photos online?