1998 and all that
Simon Calder’s career in travel started at Gatwick Airport, where he cleaned aircraft for Laker Airways and later worked as a security officer. He became The Independent’s Travel Correspondent in 1994, and is known as “the Man Who Pays His Way” because he does not accept free travel facilities. He writes across the Independent titles, as well as for the Evening Standard.
Saturday 27 December 1997
At the time when people are traditionally booking their holiday for the coming summer, Airtours issues its brochure for winter 2004/5, which features holidays flying on yet-to-be- invented planes to yet-to-be-built hotels in countries that don't yet exist.
From a similar realm of fantasy, National Rail Inquiries blames its failure to answer even the simplest inquiry on "the wrong kind of snow" - not intended as a reference to poor-quality cocaine inhaled by telephone staff.
P&O European Ferries and Stena Line complete their merger on the Channel crossing from Dover to Calais. To compete more effectively against Le Shuttle through the Chunnel, the minimum check-in is reduced to the time it takes to say the name of the new company, which incorporates all the proud pedigrees of the two lines: Peninsular and Oriental Townsend Thoresen European Stena Sealink Viking Longboat Ferries.
Eurostar insists its four-year-old promise to start services from UK provincial cities to Paris will finally be kept in 1998.
BA's new no-frills airline, EasyPeasy, starts flying from Stansted to "Paris South" - a disused military airfield outside Marseille. Its only competitor is EasyMoney, Harry Enfield's new venture into the low-fare airline market. A dozen stewardesses are disciplined for wearing lacy underwear. A spokesman explained: "When we said no frills ..."
After intensive market research, EasyPeasy changes its name to QuestionAire. Apparently the focus groups thought this was one of the suggested alternatives, rather than the title at the top of the list of questions. A suggestion that the two names be combined as QuEasy was turned down on the grounds of taste. All BA tailplanes are repainted with a question-mark replacing the other questionable designs.
The first anniversary of Labour's victory, during which London has acquired the most expensive public transport of any city in the world: some Tube journeys now cost pounds 8.25 per mile.
To celebrate the triumph, the Deputy Prime Minister promises all adult voters a Triumph - from a stock of old Toledo models lying idle at a former British Leyland plant in the West Midlands.
"No one seriously believed all that nonsense about sustainable transport, did they?" purred a departing John Prescott as his ministerial Stag scattered a constituency of cyclists.
When the summer railway timetable comes into effect, National Rail Inquiries continues to use the winter one, blaming the wrong kind of glue in the summer version. "Pages fall out of the new one," says a spokeswoman, "spreading leaves on the lines" (not a reference to a habit involving a mirror, a quantity of cocaine, and inhalation).
"Our best summer yet," is the verdict of a leading package holiday operator. "Providing we all hold our nerve and aren't tempted to increase capacity, there will be no last-minute bargains." Six other package holiday operators double capacity, and a week in the Med falls to pounds 99.
Eurostar says trains from Edinburgh and Manchester to the French capital will be starting just as soon as a British player wins Wimbledon and England win the World Cup.
After the astonishing victories of an out-of-form Greg Rusedski and an out-of-retirement Sue Barker at the All-England Club - topped by the amazing mixed doubles triumph of Virginia Wade and Sir Cliff Richard - Eurostar says it has started running trains from the provinces to Paris, where Glenn Hoddle's boys have just beaten Germany 4-2 after extra time (and yes, that third goal did cross the line). But since these are supposed to be publicised by National Rail Inquiries, they have yet to attract any passengers.
The increasing strength of sterling means that a cup of tea on the seafront at Margate costs more than a week in the George V Hotel in Paris. No one is in Margate anyway, due to the summer-long storms attributed to El Nino. Airtours takes advantage of the dismal weather at home to launch its 2025 brochure, headlined "Forget Margate - try Mars".
Dreadful smog across South-East Asia reduces the 26th Commonwealth Games in the Malaysian capital, Kuala Lumpur, to a single event: blind man's buff.
Meanwhile in Britain, crisis looms: how to stem the disastrous slump in domestic tourism?
Under pressure, the Chancellor increases Air Passenger Duty 100-fold to pounds 2,000 for travellers outside Europe.
This triggers reprisals from Turkey and the Dominican Republic, which impose the same charge on departing British holidaymakers. Thousands are destitute, and forced to rely on diminishing quantities of deteriorating buffet food at all-inclusive resorts.
Richard Branson, who has been remarkably quiet so far this year, launches EasyBritFlit - a no-frills, no-markings airline that specialises in moonlit landings in foreign airports to retrieve destitute Brit holidaymakers.
Chaos at Heathrow when a flood in the salad bar of Burger King closes down Terminal One; if it had only happened a year earlier, it could have put out the fire. Heathrow blames climatic changes brought about by the wrong kind of El Nino.
National Rail Inquiries denies that any trains whatsoever operate in the UK.
National Rail Inquiries refutes its own existence and disappears up its own phone holding system.
Rape threats, death threats and a police investigation after video poking fun at an Islamic Party in Malaysia goes viral
Why Robin Williams safeguarded himself against a morbid trend in advertising
Jeremy Clarkson 'could be given minder' ahead of a potential Top Gear return
6-year-old writes ice cold Valentine's card to his stepmother
Jeremy Clarkson to become 'special adviser on transport' to David Cameron
Katie Hopkins attacked me on Twitter — so I reported her to the police for inciting racial hatred
Street preacher quoting from the Bible fined for calling homosexuality an 'abomination'
Woman filmed launching racist tirade against men on the Tube for speaking in 'own lingo'
David Cameron calls Labour 'hopeless, sneering socialists' while announcing 7-day NHS plans
Revealed: Putin's army of pro-Kremlin bloggers
Katie Hopkins reported to the police for race hatred by Labour MP Simon Danczuk after tweet about Pakistani men
- 1 Rape threats, death threats and a police investigation after video poking fun at an Islamic Party in Malaysia goes viral
- 2 Katie Hopkins attacked me on Twitter — so I reported her to the police for inciting racial hatred
- 3 Gamers confess the worst things they've done in The Sims
- 4 6-year-old writes ice cold Valentine's card to his stepmother
- 5 Syrian child photographed 'surrendering to camera because she thought it was a gun'
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