Football: Jungle alert for missing Kommissar
The Gaffer Tapes
Saturday 31 January 1998
Football: USA take on Cuba on home soil for first time
Barry Gaffer, Sludgethorpe Brazil's self-styled Football Kommissar, is missing, feared dead, in the jungles of Central America.
Sir Hirem Firem, the club chairman, last night admitted the club were "very concerned" about the fate of their manager. The 54-year-old Gaffer has not been in touch with the club since he flew to Central America in an attempt to solve Brazil's striker crisis by signing charismatic striker Che Revolta.
Revolta, who plays for Cicasaparrat Juniors deep in the area's troubled region, is seen as the right man to replace the former hard-man Brian Heckinbottom, who has gone soft since he went Awol in the Indian hippy beach resort of Goa.
Revolta, who has shot two referees, three opponents and four taxi drivers in his controversial career, scored his third hat-trick of the season at the weekend.
It is thought Gaffer, who has been unable to lift Brazil from the bottom of the Premiership since replacing former manager Big Mick Sheepskin in September, was at the match but has not been since since leaving the ground in the boot of a large car driven by three men with dark glasses and ponchos.
In another development, Heckinbottom announced he is to become a candidate for the Natural Law Party in the European elections. Among his more unusual proposals is that goals are to be banned in football matches as the concepts of winning and losing promote.
With Broccoli Moore still in jail after assaulting a police officer's house with a Christmas Tree, Heckinbottom has been replaced in today's side by Herman Mann. The 17-year-old is the son of assistant manager Kit Mann who has taken over running Sludgethorpe in Gaffer's absence. Ivor Niggle (bunions) and Shaun Prone (headache) are out.
Sludgethorpe Brazil: Panic; Blow, Phace, Off; Ganja, Rasta, Spice, Smith; Massive, Mann, Unstartz.
Renee Zellweger on plastic surgery rumours: 'I'm living a more fulfilling life and I'm thrilled that perhaps it shows'
Eleven members of same family hospitalised after eating deadly pufferfish
FCKH8: YouTube reinstates provocative anti-sexism video showing young girls swearing
Phone-hacking: The Piers Morgan connection - Mirror admits some stories during Morgan's tenure may have been obtained by illegal means
Russell Brand says he will 'probably' give up acting to focus on his revolution
Of course, teenage girls need role models – but not like beauty vlogger Zoella
Cameron is warned 'no possibility' of UK reducing immigration and that bid to bring in quota on migrant workers would be illegal
Support for EU membership 'at highest level since 1991' with most Brits wanting to stay 'in'
Thousands with degenerative conditions classified as 'fit to work in future' – despite no possibility of improvement
Attacks on 'Ukip Calypso' show how skewed people’s priorities are
Poppy Appeal 2014: This is why I won't be wearing a red poppy this year
- 1 Revolutionary lost Caravaggio painting 'Mary Magdalen in Ecstasy' identified
- 2 McKamey Manor: This 'extreme' haunted house is the stuff of nightmares
- 3 Russell Brand says he will 'probably' give up acting to focus on his revolution
- 4 Watch what happened when food critics were unknowingly served McDonald's
- 5 David Beckham's Haig Club whisky is exactly what’s wrong with the Highlands
£110 - £200 per day: Randstad Education Leeds: Secondary Maths Teacher for spe...
£47,334 - £59,058 per annum: Coventry University: The Centre for Agroecology, ...
£47,334 - £59,058 per annum: Coventry University: Our team of leading academic...
£60 - £70 per day: Randstad Education Leeds: Special Needs Teaching Assistants...