Football: Jungle alert for missing Kommissar

The Gaffer Tapes

THE GAFFER

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Barry Gaffer, Sludgethorpe Brazil's self-styled Football Kommissar, is missing, feared dead, in the jungles of Central America.

Sir Hirem Firem, the club chairman, last night admitted the club were "very concerned" about the fate of their manager. The 54-year-old Gaffer has not been in touch with the club since he flew to Central America in an attempt to solve Brazil's striker crisis by signing charismatic striker Che Revolta.

Revolta, who plays for Cicasaparrat Juniors deep in the area's troubled region, is seen as the right man to replace the former hard-man Brian Heckinbottom, who has gone soft since he went Awol in the Indian hippy beach resort of Goa.

Revolta, who has shot two referees, three opponents and four taxi drivers in his controversial career, scored his third hat-trick of the season at the weekend.

It is thought Gaffer, who has been unable to lift Brazil from the bottom of the Premiership since replacing former manager Big Mick Sheepskin in September, was at the match but has not been since since leaving the ground in the boot of a large car driven by three men with dark glasses and ponchos.

In another development, Heckinbottom announced he is to become a candidate for the Natural Law Party in the European elections. Among his more unusual proposals is that goals are to be banned in football matches as the concepts of winning and losing promote.

With Broccoli Moore still in jail after assaulting a police officer's house with a Christmas Tree, Heckinbottom has been replaced in today's side by Herman Mann. The 17-year-old is the son of assistant manager Kit Mann who has taken over running Sludgethorpe in Gaffer's absence. Ivor Niggle (bunions) and Shaun Prone (headache) are out.

Sludgethorpe Brazil: Panic; Blow, Phace, Off; Ganja, Rasta, Spice, Smith; Massive, Mann, Unstartz.