Football: Ten things that Spurs' new Swiss coach Christian Gross might soon be missing

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1 Berne's annual onion market, which takes place on the fourth Monday of November and has the whole city centre crying. (Still, Spurs are sure to make Gross weep.)

2 Inventive minds - the Swiss have registered more patents per capita than any other country.

3 The good-natured exuberance of young Swiss footballers. Like the five Under-15 Switzerland players who were banned indefinitely this week for threatening members of the public with knives and smuggling girls to their rooms at a training camp. 4 Swiss order and charm.

5 Impartiality. Geneva has over 200 international organisations' HQs.

6 Valuable foreign assets. Swiss gold may be stolen, but at least it's in demand, unlike White Hart Lane's current imports.

7 The St Bernard Pass. Unlike the Tottenham pass, it is only unpredictable in bad weather.

8 Heidi.

9 The Glacier Garden, proof that Lucerne was a subtropical palm beach last time Spurs were consistent - about 20 million years ago.

10 Cheese, chocolate, lederhosen, gnomes and yodelling.

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