Football: The Gaffer Tapes - Sludgethorpe receive pounds 1m ransom dema nd attached to Gaffer's sleeve

Worried fans at the Old Cornfield will today be asked to contribute to Sludgethorpe Brazil's Save the Gaffer Fund. The fund, currently standing at pounds 1,074.27, is still pounds 998,925.73 short of the pounds 1m ransom demanded by the kidnappers of Barry Gaffer.

Mr Gaffer, Brazil's flamboyant football kommissar, has been held prisoner in the Central American jungle since he was kidnapped while checking on prospective signing Che Revolta. A ransom note arrived earlier in the week accompanied by the sleeve of Mr Gaffer's Puffa jacket to confirm its authenticity.

Among those contributing to the fund is Brian Heckinbottom whose conversion from malicious, violent centre- forward to budding alternative poet prompted Mr Gaffer's trip to Central America. Heckinbottom said all proceeds from his future collection of poetry would go to the fund.

However, none of Mr Gaffer's former wives have been as generous. Each said they had to save their funds to cover lawyers' fees when his estate is carved up. Already the trio have been involved in an unsavoury auction of their memories of the booze-and-birds life with the Gaffer. He is, depending upon reports, an insatiable five-times-a-nighter in the Hughie Green class, or a hopeless dud like our rival papers' editors. His current wife, meanwhile, has denied reports that she had filed for divorce.

The club chairman, Sir Hirem Firem, said he would do everything he could to get his kommissar back but had not been able to do much yet as he was too busy coaching the team in Gaffer's absence. Firem axed coach, Kit Mann, following last week's 6-1 FA Cup defeat, during which Mann's 17- year-old son Herman played.

Firem said he had been prepared to give the coach another chance until he discovered he intended to play his daughter, Wanda Mann, in today's match. Firem has recalled Shaun Prone and Ivor Niggle to replace the Manns.

Sludgethorpe Brazil: Panic; Ganja, Phace, Off, Smith; Prone, Rasta, Spice, Niggle; Massive, Unstartz.