Hague puts the 'ommm' in to question time

This is no country for old men. The young, if not in one another's arms, are at each other's throats. Young Mr Blair and young Mr Hague confronted one another for the first time at Prime Minister's Questions, and the smell of fresh testosterone hung heavy in the musty air of the chamber.

Tony Blair, as we know, seldom actually walks anywhere. If he's not running, he's cycling. Civil servants, older colleagues, portly journalists and meaty German chancellors are all left behind, panting, as he dashes from country to country in a mania of governing. Given this vigour one might have expected their encounter to have resembled those male contests of youth, involving measurements of strength, dimension, velocity and volume.

But Mr Hague is calmer than Mr Blair. Actually, thanks to transcendental meditation, Mr Hague is calmer than almost anybody. There are small, silent orders of passive nuns living in secluded, rural convents that are more frenetic than he is. This is, of course, due to the 20 minutes per day he spends cross-legged on the sitting-room kilim, going "ommm". So whenever William feels passion's prick, he hauls his chakra back into balance, thinks of his fiance, Ffion (incidentally, is the Welsh for fiance "ffionce"?) and the inflammation quickly passes.

So, paradoxically, it was Mr Blair who looked the more edgy and nervous as the moment approached, his eyes darting hither and yon, his face involuntarily practising some of its favourite expressions: pugnacity, seriousness, elfin amusement and back to pugnacity. Little Willy, on the other hand, sat there sheathed in light blue aura, a contented smile indenting the lower curves of his cranial egg. Perhaps those closest to him could hear the faintest sound, "ommm".

When, finally the fight began, Mr Hague's voice was a surprise. At that famous Tory conference, 20 years ago, it was like a digitised Enoch Powell - a portentous whine, except with the variations in tone removed. But that was obviously too exciting, so he has now replaced it with an immensely deep and placid rumble, like a large stone rolling very slowly down a shallow slope, and gradually - as it loses momentum - coming to a halt.

His subject - the handling of dissent within Labour's ranks - was a good one for an attack, but not really big enough for a new leader trying to look grand. When pressed once or twice it was fine. Repeated five times it made seem insubstantial and oddly phlegmatic, as though he couldn't quite be bothered with thinking up something more exalted.

Mr Blair rewarded him with the same avuncular incomprehension that Mr Major had shown him just a few months before, as if to say, "these youngsters, what do they know of life?" It was clear that Hague's attack was faltering. "Ommmmmm", came the low, almost inaudible chant, reaching no ears other than mine. And he kept smiling, his aura only briefly showing the smallest purple discoloration.

Behind him on the fourth row back, in the aisle seat, sat the relaxed figure of John Major (C, Huntingdon), placidly listening to the proceedings - his only action to pen a short note of encouragement to his Tory successor. And one wondered at how, within the space of a few weeks, this man had gone from a position of immense power to one of powerlessness, and yet not a single person had been killed, no heads had been broken, and no children scared by riot or arrest. A moment to reflect that - whether Blairian hyperactivity or Hagueish Ommunism wins out - there's an awful lot to be said for democracy.

PRIME MINISTER'S QUESTIONS

THE LEADERS TACKLE BLAIR

William

Hague

Hague asked whether Labour MP Llew Smith was right to say he was threatened with expulsion if he campaigned against a Welsh assembly. Blair said nobody had been threatened. Anyone could speak out "in accordance with the rules of the Parliamentary Party". Instead of capitalising on this, Hague asked Blair to say Smith had not told the truth. Blair, predictably, repeated his first reply. He later denied that Labour councils had been put under pressure to ensure MPs toed the line on devolution.

Verdict: Blair wins

Paddy

Ashdown

Ashdown, anticipating a "winter crisis on the wards", again asked whether money saved in one Government department should not be transferable to another, even if this broke spending limits. Blair replied "The overall control totals must be kept to; the departmental spending targets are there and for these two years will be kept within". Ashdown was repetitive, but he is highlighting an important issue. Verdict: Ashdown Wins

THE BACKBENCH ISSUES

THEMES OF THE DAY

"A full pint of beer, with the froth on top" (Dennis Turner, Lab. Wolverhampton South East)

Government spending plans (Dennis Skinner, Lab. Bolsover)

The electoral mandate of Northern Ireland Unionist parties (William Thompson, UUP. Tyrone West)

Douglas Hogg pursued the Welsh Assembly question. He enjoyed a chance to turn the tables on the new Government, and demanded that a Minister (Ron Davies) should come to the House and explain himself. He shrugged off Labour backbench cries of "moo".

Martyn Jones (Lab. Clwyd South)."May I congratulate my Rt Hon Friend on a magnificent speech on the environment?" Finding this too unctious, the Conservatives began a tidal wave of jeering, from which he had difficulty recovering the rest of his question.

THE QUIP OF THE DAY

Turner announced that he was standing up to speak for the beer drinkers of Britain. "I wonder whether the Prime Minister has had an opportunity to study my Weights and Measures . . ." he began. Then he paused - either for breath or comic effect. Giggles and cries of "hear hear" filled the chamber before the tubby Turner could finish his sentence: " . . . Beers and Ciders Bill".

THE UNANSWERED QUESTION

Simon Burns (Con. Chelmsford) asked when the Government would fulfil a pre-election pledge to help some pensioners who, he said, were funding their own residential care, because the local council would not. Blair blamed the problem of nursing home costs on the Tories, but did not address the local issue.

THE CREEP OF THE DAY

Lynne Jones (Lab. Birmingham Selly Oak) asked about "the crusade to drive up standards in schools" one of several questions yesterday to which Blair replied with: "my Honourable Friend is absolutely right to draw attention to . . ." - a good indicator that some creeping has occurred. Replying, he quoted a number of statistics suspiciously relevant to the detail of Jones's question.