Advertising: L'Oréal's storm trooper marches on

She's taking it in hand. Her body. She's got a programme, a regime. She's probably got a Powerpointed schedule on her laptop too. She's in charge of every centimetre of cellulite. Except, of course, this particular L'Oréal babe, this beauty storm trooper in a white bikini, hasn't actually got any figure faults at all. They don't have before and after in L'Oréal ads, just perfect.

She's taking it in hand. Her body. She's got a programme, a regime. She's probably got a Powerpointed schedule on her laptop too. She's in charge of every centimetre of cellulite. Except, of course, this particular L'Oréal babe, this beauty storm trooper in a white bikini, hasn't actually got any figure faults at all. They don't have before and after in L'Oréal ads, just perfect.

The product's called Nutrilift. It's a kind of moisturiser glop that firms things up as it goes. And the longer it's used, the firmer things get. It's got Firming Effect – 71 per cent of it, they say on-screen. But it's double-action, so it does something else, and it's got 87 per cent of that. It's dead scientific. It nourishes and it firms, and the trans-Europe Express voiceover lady says it feels so good too. That's an obvious baby-do-it-one-more-time kind of line, but I can't begin to tell you how unsexy it actually sounds. It's like doing a full Brazilian bikini wax to improve your aerodynamics. Where do they get these people?

It's all shot and styled in an unsexy way too. Sharp angles, quick cuts, a big red "cut here" marker-pen arrow up one perfect thigh, all mean you can't exactly wallow in that body, the Kylie-class bottom, any of it.

In the 1980s, hair and cosmet- ics ads took on a lot of science. They had computer animation showing new micro-ingredients getting to hair roots. But they were still set in cheesy narratives with hair arcs and boyfriend snaring.

Now all that science is empowered. L'Oréal is the Church of Our Lady and the sisters are doing it to themselves. They're doing it because it's there, because they want to climb every mountain, because only your best is good enough, because life's one long management conference presentation and you need firm thighs to drive a BMW 7 series – anything but sex and insecurity.

When this particular girl – the accented Euro-English voiceover makes you think she just might be a computer animation too – marches out of a tube of Deco green into a white world in a positively Prussian way, she reminds me of Claudia Schiffer, the Hunny Bunny invoking against split ends as she walks through a tunnel of flame. For L'Oréal.

Peter@sru.co.uk

News
Pro-Russia rebels guard a train containing the bodies of victims of the Malaysia Airlines flight MH 17 crash in Torez, Ukraine
i100
Life and Style
Child's play: letting young people roam outdoors directly contradicts the current climate
lifeHow much independence should children have?
Arts and Entertainment
Tycoons' text: Warren Buffett and Bill Gates both cite John Brookes' 'Business Adventures' as their favourite book
booksFind out why America's richest men are reading John Brookes
Property
Sign here, please: Magna Carta Island
propertyYours for a cool £4m
PROMOTED VIDEO
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
News
ebookA unique anthology of reporting and analysis of a crucial period of history
News
people
News
The Commonwealth flag flies outside Westminster Abbey in central London
news
Arts and Entertainment
Struggling actors who scrape a living working in repertory theatres should get paid a 'living wage', Sir Ian McKellen has claimed
theatre
News
Skye McCole Bartusiak's mother said she didn't use drink or drugs
peopleActress was known for role in Mel Gibson film The Patriot
Arts and Entertainment
filmThe Rock to play DC character in superhero film
News
i100
Arts and Entertainment
Damon Albarn is starting work on a new West End musical
artsStar's 'leftfield experimental opera' is turning mainstream
Life and Style
Paul and his father
artsPaul Carter wants to play his own father in the film of his memoirs
Sport
Ben Stokes trudges off after his latest batting failure for England as Ishant Sharma celebrates one of his seven wickets
cricket
Arts and Entertainment
Members of the public are invited to submit their 'sexcapades' to Russell T Davies' new series Tofu
tv
News
Sky's Colin Brazier rummages through an MH17 victim's belongings live on air
i100
Arts and Entertainment
Keira Knightley and Benedict Cumberbatch star in the Alan Turing biopic The Imitation Game
arts + ents'The Imitation Game' stars Benedict Cumberbatch and Keira Knightley
Independent
Travel Shop
the manor
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on city breaks Find out more
santorini
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on chic beach resorts Find out more
sardina foodie
Up to 70% off luxury travel
on country retreats Find out more
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs Media

Content Manager - Central London

£35000 - £40000 per annum + Benefits: Ashdown Group: Content Manager - Central...

Business Manager / Member Services Manager

£35 - 40k: Guru Careers: A Business Manager / Member Services Manager is neede...

Account Manager - London

£40 - 50k: Guru Careers: An Account Manager is needed to join the leading comp...

Digital Marketing Executive

£30 - 35k: Guru Careers: We are seeking a talented and imaginative Digital Mar...

Day In a Page

Some are reformed drug addicts. Some are single mums. All are on benefits. But now these so-called 'scroungers’ are fighting back

The 'scroungers’ fight back

The welfare claimants battling to alter stereotypes
Amazing video shows Nasa 'flame extinguishment experiment' in action

Fireballs in space

Amazing video shows Nasa's 'flame extinguishment experiment' in action
A Bible for billionaires

A Bible for billionaires

Find out why America's richest men are reading John Brookes
Paranoid parenting is on the rise - and our children are suffering because of it

Paranoid parenting is on the rise

And our children are suffering because of it
For sale: Island where the Magna Carta was sealed

Magna Carta Island goes on sale

Yours for a cool £4m
Phone hacking scandal special report: The slide into crime at the 'News of the World'

The hacker's tale: the slide into crime at the 'News of the World'

Glenn Mulcaire was jailed for six months for intercepting phone messages. James Hanning tells his story in a new book. This is an extract
We flinch, but there are degrees of paedophilia

We flinch, but there are degrees of paedophilia

Child abusers are not all the same, yet the idea of treating them differently in relation to the severity of their crimes has somehow become controversial
The truth about conspiracy theories is that some require considering

The truth about conspiracy theories is that some require considering

For instance, did Isis kill the Israeli teenagers to trigger a war, asks Patrick Cockburn
Alistair Carmichael: 'The UK as a whole is greater than the sum of its parts'

Alistair Carmichael: 'The UK as a whole is greater than the sum of its parts'

Meet the man who doesn't want to go down in history as the country's last Scottish Secretary
Legoland Windsor's master model-makers reveal the tricks of their trade (including how to stop the kids wrecking your Eiffel Tower)

Meet the people who play with Lego for a living

They are the master builders: Lego's crack team of model-makers, who have just glued down the last of 650,000 bricks as they recreate Paris in Windsor. Susie Mesure goes behind the scenes
The 20 best days out for the summer holidays: From Spitfires to summer ferry sailings

20 best days out for the summer holidays

From summer ferry sailings in Tyne and Wear and adventure days at Bear Grylls Survival Academy to Spitfires at the Imperial War Museum Duxford and bog-snorkelling at the World Alternative Games...
Open-air theatres: If all the world is a stage, then everyone gets in on the act

All the wood’s a stage

Open-air productions are the cue for better box-office receipts, new audiences, more interesting artistic challenges – and a picnic
Rand Paul is a Republican with an eye on the world

Rupert Cornwell: A Republican with an eye on the world

Rand Paul is laying out his presidential stall by taking on his party's disastrous record on foreign policy
Self-preservation society: Pickles are moving from the side of your plate to become the star dish

Self-preservation society

Pickles are moving from the side of your plate to become the star dish
Generation gap opens a career sinkhole

Britons live ever longer, but still society persists in glorifying youth

We are living longer but considered 'past it' younger, the reshuffle suggests. There may be trouble ahead, says DJ Taylor