Bridget Jones's Diary: Ohmygod. Martin Amis does not like it when women make a noise during sex. Total panic

Saturday 5 July

9st 1 (g); alcohol units 4 (g); cigarettes 19 (poor); calories 4,288 (vg).

Have delayed Daniel date to next Tuesday to give self time to improve everything. Am going to go to gym every day also study news and read Money by Martin ... Oooh telephone.

"Oh hello, darling, guess what?" My mother.

"You're pregnant?" I wanted to quip but hesitated to tempt providence.

"Daddy and I are taking Wellington to Henley! Imagine! A Kikuyu at Henley! He's wild with excitement!"

A hideous Black and White Minstrel vision loomed, with Wellington forced to pour out Pimm's, wearing a boater and white lipstick. Surely under the Blair regime Mum and Una could be arrested for this?

"You will come along, won't you darling?"

"No!" I bellowed.

"Now don't be silly Bridget," she hissed in her worst fingertips-in-blender voice. "I've seen a smashing dress in the Laura Ashley sale. Why don't I get it for you and a little white clutch bag?"

"I've got to go out. Late. Sorry bye," I said. Hah. Anyway, better get on with preparation. Have done good study already re: constitutional crisis. Seems to me Charles is in v. weak position as obsessed with what everyone will think instead of what he wants or believes is right, which always makes people do the wrong thing and look stupid. If "Wales" does not marry Camilla he will prove himself typical modern Emotional F***wit: ie commitment phobic only able to cope either with two women or safe thrill of illicit romance, and thus set a bad example to his many male subjects. Of course he should marry her. Would be v romantic and honest after 30 years. Also vg for modern womanhood, showing men's love does not depend on who is youngest, thinnest, prettiest etc. unless, aargh - he goes off with Tiggy Legge-Bourke. Ugh. Horror scenario. Right. Must get on with Money.

Sunday 6 July

Noon Ohmygod. Martin Amis does not like it when women make a noise during sex. For eg Amis says "I heard something telling me that Eileen was a noisemaker who had slipped her gag." Amis is spokesman for generation so men must go round labelling us women pejoratively as noisemakers who have slipped our gags.

12.15pm Just called Shaz in total panic. "We must talk to a man immediately," she said. "I'll get Jude to ask Vile Richard."

"No!" I yelled. "He'll just say the opposite of whatever Jude does to make her feel horrible."

"Simon then."

I went deathly quiet. How could I admit that inadvertently slept with Simon when he came round to comfort me over continuing singletonness crisis? Of course now it is summer, there are definite advantages to freedom as one feels all horny in the hot weather with no bra on. I mean some men are actually wandering round the streets in swimming trunks.

"Bridge?"

Could not speak. Convinced I did make noise when me and Simon ...

"Bridge?"

"Ok," I muttered. "Let's take him for a drink."

3.30pm "So?" said Shaz and I, looking at Simon as if he were laboratory sheep-clone.

"Here," belched Simon slurping at his free drink and looking as though he could not believe his luck. "Are both of you not wearing a bra?"

"Will you please answer the question," I said coldly.

"Do you or do you not like it when women make a noise?" hissed Shaz.

"It depends what kind of noise," sniggered Simon. "I mean, `Stop! Stoooooooop!' - well that would be bad. Or a snoring noise ..." He started giggling.

"Or a farting noise," interjected Sharon, also, suddenly, giggling.

"Or, `Is it in yet?'" spurted out Simon.

Suddenly sensed horrifying attraction between two of them. Maybe Simon would sleep with Sharon then fall in love with her because she did not make a noise.

"Seriously," I went on, head down, feeling stupid. "If women make noises of ..."

"High-pitched hyena laughter?" snorted Simon looking at Shazzer.

"Of pleasure," I muttered. I knew I should have just left it but it was vital to know because of Daniel and Tuesday.

"Ah! You mean a noise of appreciation? Of crazed lustful desire? Of awestruck, incredulous ..."

I looked hard into Simon's eyes. He was taking the piss out of me. Surely he could not have forgotten what happened? Then his expression changed.

"Of course you like them to make noise," he said softly. "I mean not like a cow being slaughtered or anything. But nice noise. Otherwise you wonder what's going on."

Next thing Shaz got all sulky. In my view, it is never a good idea to go out in threesomes.

Tuesday 8 July. D Day.

11pm Daniel came round to pick me up, but taking expression literally, picked self up, growled "Sod dinner" rushed to bedroom and flung me down on bed. Was fantastic, scent of him swept over self and was just feeling glad that did not have to resist noise when he looked up and said, "What's that?"

There was someone moving around in the flat. Suddenly the bedroom door burst open.

"Ah there you are darling! I was just going to pop your new dress in the wardrobe as ... aargh!"

My mother was swathed in shimmering citron pleated synthetic, holding an armful of bulbous floral-sprigged frock. There was a pre-nuclear pause.

"Daniel! Get out of that bed and get yourself dressed immediately," she shrilled. "I will not have unprincipled, lily-livered roues in my daughter's life. Now off you go before I spank you."

For a moment he hesitated, then shuffled into his clothes and shot out of the room.

"You see, darling, lily-livered," she said, bustling about putting the dress in the wardrobe. "A real man would have stood his ground. He's worse than silly billy Prince Charles!"

Must buy Bridget's VG intellectual Martin Amis-style `Bridget Jones' Diary: the novel'. Available from Picador direct on 0181-324 5707: paperback at pounds 4.99, audio-tape at pounds 7.99; add 99p p&p for each.

Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
ebooks
ebooksA special investigation by Andy McSmith
News
Kim Wilde began gardening in the 1990s when she moved to the countryside
peopleThe singer is leading an appeal for the charity Thrive, which uses the therapy of horticulture
Sport
Alexis Sanchez celebrates scoring a second for Arsenal against Reading
football
Life and Style
health
Voices
An easy-peel potato; Dave Hax has come up with an ingenious method in food preparation
voicesDave Hax's domestic tips are reminiscent of George Orwell's tea routine. The world might need revolution, but we like to sweat the small stuff, says DJ Taylor
News
i100
News
Japan's population is projected to fall dramatically in the next 50 years (Wikimedia)
news
  • Get to the point
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs Media

Recruitment Genius: Telesales Executive - OTE £25,000

£15000 - £25000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This publishing company based i...

Ashdown Group: Content Manager - Publishing

£30000 - £35000 per annum + benefits : Ashdown Group: A highly successful, glo...

Guru Careers: Report Writer / Reporting Analyst

£25 - 30k + Benefits: Guru Careers: A Report Writer / Reporting Analyst is nee...

Guru Careers: German Speaking Account Manager / Account Executive

£24-30K + Excellent Benefits: Guru Careers: A German speaking Account Manager ...

Day In a Page

NHS struggling to monitor the safety and efficacy of its services outsourced to private providers

Who's monitoring the outsourced NHS services?

A report finds that private firms are not being properly assessed for their quality of care
Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

Zac Goldsmith: 'I'll trigger a by-election over Heathrow'

The Tory MP said he did not want to stand again unless his party's manifesto ruled out a third runway. But he's doing so. Watch this space
How do Greek voters feel about Syriza's backtracking on its anti-austerity pledge?

How do Greeks feel about Syriza?

Five voters from different backgrounds tell us what they expect from Syriza's charismatic leader Alexis Tsipras
From Iraq to Libya and Syria: The wars that come back to haunt us

The wars that come back to haunt us

David Cameron should not escape blame for his role in conflicts that are still raging, argues Patrick Cockburn
Sam Baker and Lauren Laverne: Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

Too busy to surf? Head to The Pool

A new website is trying to declutter the internet to help busy women. Holly Williams meets the founders
Heston Blumenthal to cook up a spice odyssey for British astronaut manning the International Space Station

UK's Major Tum to blast off on a spice odyssey

Nothing but the best for British astronaut as chef Heston Blumenthal cooks up his rations
John Harrison's 'longitude' clock sets new record - 300 years on

‘Longitude’ clock sets new record - 300 years on

Greenwich horologists celebrate as it keeps to within a second of real time over a 100-day test
Fears in the US of being outgunned in the vital propaganda wars by Russia, China - and even Isis - have prompted a rethink on overseas broadcasters

Let the propaganda wars begin - again

'Accurate, objective, comprehensive': that was Voice of America's creed, but now its masters want it to promote US policy, reports Rupert Cornwell
Why Japan's incredible long-distance runners will never win the London Marathon

Japan's incredible long-distance runners

Every year, Japanese long-distance runners post some of the world's fastest times – yet, come next weekend, not a single elite competitor from the country will be at the London Marathon
Why does Tom Drury remain the greatest writer you've never heard of?

Tom Drury: The quiet American

His debut was considered one of the finest novels of the past 50 years, and he is every bit the equal of his contemporaries, Jonathan Franzen, Dave Eggers and David Foster Wallace
You should judge a person by how they peel a potato

You should judge a person by how they peel a potato

Dave Hax's domestic tips are reminiscent of George Orwell's tea routine. The world might need revolution, but we like to sweat the small stuff, says DJ Taylor
Beige is back: The drab car colours of the 1970s are proving popular again

Beige to the future

Flares and flounce are back on catwalks but a revival in ’70s car paintjobs was a stack-heeled step too far – until now
Bill Granger recipes: Our chef's dishes highlight the delicate essence of fresh cheeses

Bill Granger cooks with fresh cheeses

More delicate on the palate, milder, fresh cheeses can also be kinder to the waistline
Aston Villa vs Liverpool: 'This FA Cup run has been wonderful,' says veteran Shay Given

Shay Given: 'This FA Cup run has been wonderful'

The Villa keeper has been overlooked for a long time and has unhappy memories of the national stadium – but he is savouring his chance to play at Wembley
Timeless drama of Championship race in league of its own - Michael Calvin

Michael Calvin's Last Word

Timeless drama of Championship race in league of its own