Cartoon capers: Leaked: 'The Simpsons' episode with a very special Great British guest star

Negotiations have purportedly begun for the Prime Minister to appear in The Simpsons. D J Taylor gets a copy of the script...
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The Independent Online


Scene: Assembly hall, Springfield Elementary. Weak, off-key music of school orchestra recedes. Principal Skinner mounts podium.

SKINNER: "Listen up, people. Do we have a surprise for you! Apparently Nasa is closed for the day and the President has gone gopher-hunting. So a very distinguished foreign guest with nothing else to do has agreed to visit our prize-giving. Let's have a great Springfield Elementary welcome for [consults paper]... Mr Gordon Brown."

Brown emerges to faint applause. Ralph Wiggum presents banner stamped "Welcome Prime Minister Black".

HOMER: "I get it! State Controller Peterson is too good for my little girl. So we have to make do with some punk-ass Limey politician."

LISA: "Actually Mr Brown is a sincere and committed leader whose decisions are based on genuinely held conviction rather than narrow political self-interest, unlike his opportunistic predecessor, Mr Blair."

BART: "Jeez, Lise. You're just quoting from the handout Mrs Krabappel gave us."

MR BURNS: "British, eh? I like the cut of that fellow's jib. Smithers, do you think he could be persuaded to buy the nuclear plant?"

SMITHERS: "Given the fall in European energy supplies, it's a definite possibility, sir."

BROWN [as if reading from autocue but in fact spontaneously]: "It is a considerable pleasure to me to be present at this extremely commendable gathering. My own considered view, and that of my assistant, Mr Balls, is a prize for every child, but until that time... [continues]"

BART: "I never heard anyone speak like that. What planet is he from?"

Cut to Kang and Kodos in spaceship, listening in via transmitter.

KANG: "Curses, curses! They have discovered our plan to replace the leader Brown with a dull, platitude-mongering automaton identical to the original in every way save for his commitment to our dream of interplanetary conquest. Abort mission! Abort mission!"

Brown's speech drifts up via air-vent to washrooms, where Groundskeeper Willie is unblocking a toilet.

WILLIE: "Ach, come to Willie, ya wee obstruction [cocks ear]. Noo! It cannat be! Willie knows that voice. Talkin' to the wee ones in yon great hall" [throws down plunger and races upstairs to assembly].

BROWN: "... assuming a proportion of GNP devoted to educational budgets of not less than 7 but certainly not exceeding 9 per cent..."

WILLIE [seizes him by the shoulders]: "Willie knew! Do ye not recognise us man? Yer ain long-lost cousin from Auchtermuchty, that wrestled naked with ye in the ice-cold waters of the Dee, you that was such a kenspeckle lad, afore ye took the laird's siller forbye?" [Brown looks horrified] "Now Willie's found ye again he'll not let ye go" [kisses Brown on cheeks].

VOICE OF NELSON MUNTZ: "How gay is that?" [continues]