9st 2; cigarettes 10(vg); alcohol units (vg); no. of millennium parties invited to: 0. (too few)
7.30am Har har. Practically middle of night and am about to get up: going into work really early.
Have unfortunately got into bad books of Richard Finch for failing his current affairs exam, not knowing what was happening in Hong Kong and other useless bits of information. Whole thing stupid, if ask me. Is no such thing as General Knowledge in media age as information overload, so why happen upon one piece of information rather than another instead of being Post-modern? He keeps shoving pictures of Chris Evans under my nose and making remarks about nobody being indispensable.
Overall it has been a most unfortunate week for comparisons. He also says that if Nicola Horlick could hold down a million-pound-a-year job with five children how come I can't get to work on time when I do not have any? Honestly. Just because I don't have any children does not mean I waste time. All my time is full.
Anyway, best get up. Aaargh it is already 8 o'clock. How did that happen?
8.15am Right. Have found clothes now except tights. Feel awful, thought. Think will just have fag to ease head-state. Traumatic night last night with Jude, Shazzer and Hurtful Rebecca.
"Wonder what we all be doing on the millennium?" murmured Jude in a dreamy way which suggested sick fantasies about Vile Richard, Clerkenwell lofts and stainless steel industrial-style cookers.
"Haven't you got a party?" said Rebecca, who seemed not to be pissed (typical), aghast. "Johnny and Michaela are having a party in Gloucestershire in a marquee."
"Can't we just go for a night out and go on the Big Wheel and look at the fireworks," I said, adding quickly to impress Rebecca "And the exhibition." (Cannot understand the fuss about the multi-million-pound goody-goody exhibition: What will they put in it? All screens with hardboard with lots of holes in and not very interesting things pinned up - like the sort of thing you were forced to go round on school trips before you could have your packed lunch and start arsing around. Would be better to have all waterslides and bars if ask me)
"Well, whatever you're doing, you'll have to book it quickly. Everywhere's booked up," said Rebecca.
"No, but it's the people you're with," I said.
"People as well. I mean I'm already double-booked."
"Pfurr, yur but not people like Me and Jude and Shazzer," I said grinning stupidly at the others and kicking them under the table.
"Actually I've been invited to the party as well," said Shazzer guiltily.
"Um, so have I," said Jude, looking at me nervously. "Though in fact Vile Richard said this morning something about me and him going Tonga to watch the sun rise."
Oh God. Was awful. Am social outcast, am going to be only person on own at turn of millennium, sitting at home watching Angus Deayton, bringing in bits of coal on own. Oooh - telephone!
Huh. Was just Mum ringing to check what day I'm coming home for Easter.
"Mum," I said miserably, "What are you doing at the millennium?" At least if they had some Turkey curry buffet thing I could pretend I had to go to it.
"Well! We're going off with Geoffrey and Una and the druids," she trilled. I racked my brains. The Druids? Donald and Anthea Druid? Eileen and Ray Druid?
"Derek and Monica! - you know Monica, darling. Derek used to be head of the boilers at Sizewell B - well, they're druids now so we're going to dress up in white and wait for the sunrise over Stonehenge. Imagine!"
No. Please no. OH MY GOD. It's nine o'clock. Must prioritise. The millennium is not for ages.
9.15am Wonder if hair will be all right if don't wash it. Hmm. Had better wash it.
9.19am Phone again. Oh no. Am going to be so late.
It was Shazzer.
"Bridge, just quickly because I'm late for work ... apparently The millennium isn't on 31 December 31 1999, it's the year after. Technically the new century starts 31 December 2000."
Turns out it is all because they made a careless mistake at the beginning of AD and forgot to have a year nought. Or something.
"When you're at the end of your first year you become 1," explained Shazzer. "Because they started off with the year 1, and didn't have a year nought ..."
"Oh I see!" I said, suddenly understanding for a split second. "So when the earth was born ..."
"When Jesus was born," Shazzer interrupted. "Instead of saying it was 0 they said it was already 1 so when it was 2 it was actually only 1. So when it gets to the year 1999 ..."
"... All the computers are going to melt down."
"Yes but the earth is actually only 1998."
"So when we were were nine," I said thoughtfully, "We were actually 10?"
"No: when we were in our ninth year we were called eight, but when the earth was in its ninth year it was already called nine. Anyway better go to work."
V Confusing. Hmmm. Think I had better ring Shaz back. Cannot possibly begin effective working day on this note. Yes am going to ring her.
"Shaz?" I said "So if that's true about the earth being the wrong age, what happened in the year 999?"
"They didn't have computers then."
"So does that mean it doesn't matter if you're not invited to a party?"
"Yes," said Shaz in a nice voice. "That's why I rang you, stupid."
Love Shaz. Is vg friend. Everything is fine. Am not outcast. Oh my God. OH MY GOD. It's 9.45. Have missed the Morning Meeting.