Matthew Norman: Tie me kangaroo down, Sir, our Rolf is as British as Elizabeth Windsor

The longest wait is over. I refer, of course, to the catchily entitled Gaunty's Best of British: It's Called Great Britain, Not Rubbish Britain (Only Language Press, £18.99; or from £10.27 on Amazon), in which my favourite columnist focuses the laser of his analytic mind on his homeland. We will come to the body of the text in good time, in the hope of educating the kind of skinny latte-sipping, Britain-bashing liberal ponces who read this paper as to why this is the greatest country on earth....

For today, I wish to draw attention to a document installed by Paddy Power as 2-9 favourite for the Press Release of the Year... revealing that Gaunty, who reminded us listeners to his TalkSport show on Thursday that his home town of Coventry is the greatest city on earth, lives in Northamptonshire. "The book contains hundreds of different aspects unique to Britain and Jon, in true 'Gaunty' style, gives his views on each," it relates. "The nation's most outspoken radio presenter has put his money where his mouth is, and highlighted his top 10 Brits who can do no wrong." Splendid, but who's made it into Gaunty's decalogue?

Well, small surprise to find the Queen, because as my mother likes to observe, our sovereign is faultless, while she is joined by namesake Barbara. Few will dispute Cliff Richard's slot, and we all have soft spots for Henry Cooper, Bruce Forsyth and Joanna Lumley. Two well-loved entrepreneurial knights, Sirs Alan Sugar and Richard Branson (the real publisher, incidentally, is Virgin Books) sneak in as well, and you'll find no argument here about the selection of that underrated thinker Lorraine Kelly. And so to the last of Gaunty's Top 10 Brits. Have you guessed it yet? No? Then I'll tell you. It's Rolf Harris. More from this vibrant celebration of multiculturalism next week and every week for the foreseeable future.

The Wally and the Ivy?

The award for Daily Mirror Front Page Splash the Week goes to the one headlined "Christmas Crackers", an account of how the decorations are up in a Gloucestershire town centre 10 weeks before the event. To me, it feels that this autumnal warmer has come later than usual (isn't it traditionally a September story?) but it's always as lovely to greet as such other seasonal classics as Young Mother Dies From Wasp Sting (late April) and Traces of Cocaine Found At Henley Regatta (early July). Once again, editor Richard Wallace's news judgement puts the rest to shame.

Half-baked in Alaska

If Joe the Non-Plumber can't swing it for John McCain, can the Daily Mail? In a week of sustained attacks on Barack Obama, I much enjoyed Edward Heathcoat-Amory's account of how he has lost faith in the senator, due primarily to a popular "cuts-job" book by a right-wing journalist... Ed's finest article, some believe, since his legendary deconstruction of the lyrics to "Imagine". As so often, however, pride of place goes, to Melanie Phillips, who takes the ill-explored neoCon route of linking Obama to Bill Ayers and alleged malpractice by the electoral registration group Acorn. What's so impressive isn't merely that Mad Mel unfavouraby compares Obama to her Sarah Palin, much preferring Alaska's governor as one who "stands against destructive nihilism" of the kind embraced by potentially the US's "first far-left radical president". More than that, it's the expression of the Mail's commitment to affirmative action – the force, ironically enough, MM credits with Obama's rise – in giving her the space. Those who implicitly trust every internet conspiracy theory that suits their world view may be a small minority, but don't they deserve a mainstream platform, too?

Dove among hawks

As for one of Mad Mel's other employers, all the best to Stephen Pollard, new editor of the Jewish Chronicle. Those of us whom MM regards as founder members of Jews For Genocide look forward to Stephen boldly challenging the preconceptions of an audience that can, like the paper's star columnist, tend towards the muscular on the vexing subject of justice for the Palestinians.

Vulcanic eruption

Tremendous to find Simon Heffer demonstrating to Daily Telegraph readers once again his insight into of what the Tories need do to prove their economic trustworthiness. "There is only one man in the parliamentary Conservative party who truly understands what is going on," writes Simon, "and who has an idea of how to fix it over the next five years or so. That is John Redwood." Of course, who else? When will David Cameron learn to trust Simon's instinctive grasp of how best to assuage lingering concerns that the Tories have finally learnt the lessons of their recent unelectability? The silly chump.

Five too alive

I am distressed by rumours of tension between that least bombastic of Radio 5 football commentators, Alan Green, and presenter Mark Saggers. According to the Mail, such is the mutual loathing that Alan, who might make something of himself if he ceases to be riven by self-deprecatory zeal, arrived at the 11th hour for England's game in Minsk after refusing to share a plane with Mr Saggers and catching a later flight. Why station controller Adrian van Klaveren cannot control this mellifluous Belfast lardbucket is something to which we may well be obliged to return.

Shift it, Gordon

Lastly, if you won't take my word for it and are still wavering over making that dash to Waterstone's, perhaps you'll listen to one of Great Not Rubbish Britain's foremost literary critics. "Jon Gaunt for PM!" declares Anthea Turner. "This book should be compulsive reading for anyone seeking British citizenship!"

Rolf Harris, perhaps?