Peter York on Ads: In the gravel drives of Freeland the car is not the star

Freelander

Where exactly is Freeland? Obviously it's that territory of the mind where you think you need a Freelander, which is a kind of Range Rover sub-brand of car/tank cross-breed. But do you see it as, say, Botswana? Or the muddier bits of Gloucestershire? Or perhaps the urban jungle, your missus up high and protected in her leather trousers taking your little darlings to their Hampstead prep school? (Did you know that Hampstead is the prep school centre of the western world? - those massive Norman Shaw houses are naturals for New Victorian Values private education.)

Where exactly is Freeland? Obviously it's that territory of the mind where you think you need a Freelander, which is a kind of Range Rover sub-brand of car/tank cross-breed. But do you see it as, say, Botswana? Or the muddier bits of Gloucestershire? Or perhaps the urban jungle, your missus up high and protected in her leather trousers taking your little darlings to their Hampstead prep school? (Did you know that Hampstead is the prep school centre of the western world? - those massive Norman Shaw houses are naturals for New Victorian Values private education.)

The Freelander people themselves seem to think it's in one of the broodier bits of Surrey, judging by their new commercial. It's a Home Counties beauty spot where no one farms or shoots and the land's parcelled up into biggish detached houses with a third of an acre each.

It's popular murder territory too. Second only to Midsomer Worthy in the British TV crime rate figures. And if you look at your TV homicide trends, you'll know there are a lot more homicidal women around now. Women commit something between 20 and 30 per cent of all TV murders on a good day. David Blunkett's altogether too complacent about it. He should do something about the lesbians too. They're responsible for a steeply rising proportion of UK TV land female homicides.

It follows that the woman in the Freelander commercial is clutching a Psycho-sized kitchen knife when we first see her in the kitchen. And that they're using that dark green filter called Menace. And that there's some slo-mo as she runs upstairs for her gun, which is in one of those lovely transparent Perspex drawers where you see all your scarves at a glance. Then she's rushing back down to the door, deadheading some black tulips on the way - it's neo-noir territory.

And then she's in the gravelled drive, the spiritual dead centre of the Home Counties sensibility. Her husband - it's the only possible term - is ahead of her in the driving seat of the Freelander thing. And she's pointing the gun at his ear. At this point there's only one thing you'll be wanting to know - so what was the house like? Thirties sub-Modernist in white-painted rendering with black Crittall metal windows, vaguely modish. Interior with Sixties revivalist big repeat wallpaper panels - very modish.

After a bit of second-hand movie business with gun cocking and ear cocking, she fires in the air, of course, starting-pistol fashion, and he's off down the lane grinning. Down past Amersham or Marlow, Hindhead or Horsham, on to the open road to the sea. She's got early Christine Keeler hair and the voice-over is what we entertainment industry insiders call "New Irish". As for the car, I can't help you there matey.

Peter@sru.co.uk

Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
Life and Style
Fans line up at the AVNs, straining to capture a photo of their favourite star
life Tim Walker asks how much longer it can flesh out an existence
Life and Style
Every minute of every day, Twitter is awash with anger as we seek to let these organisations know precisely what we think of them
techWhen it comes to vitriol, no one on attracts our ire more than big businesses offering bad service
News
Professor David Nutt wants to change the way gravely ill patients are treated in Britain
people Why does a former Government tsar believe that mind-altering drugs have a place on prescription?
News
Norway’s ‘The Nordland Line – Minute by Minute, Season by Season’ continues the trend of slow TV
television
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
ebooks
ebooksA special investigation by Andy McSmith
Arts and Entertainment
art
Sport
Jonny Evans has pleaded not guilty to an FA charge for spitting at Papiss Cisse
football
Life and Style
Kate Moss will make a cameo appearance in David Walliams' The Boy in the Dress
fashion
News
The image released by the Salvation Army, using 'The Dress'
news
Sport
Liverpool defender Kolo Toure
football Defender could make history in the FA Cup, but African Cup of Nations win means he's already content
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs Media

Ashdown Group: Digital Marketing Executive - West London - £35,000

£28000 - £35000 per annum: Ashdown Group: A luxury fashion retailer based in W...

Ashdown Group: Front-End Developer / Front-End Designer - City of London

£27000 - £33000 per annum + Excellent benefits: Ashdown Group: Front-End Devel...

Recruitment Genius: Sales Ledger & Credit Control Assistant

£14000 - £17000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: A Sales Ledger & Credit Control...

Recruitment Genius: Junior PHP Web Developer

£16000 - £20000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: This is a fantastic opportunity...

Day In a Page

Homeless Veterans campaign: Donations hit record-breaking £1m target after £300,000 gift from Lloyds Bank

Homeless Veterans campaign

Donations hit record-breaking £1m target after huge gift from Lloyds Bank
Flight MH370 a year on: Lost without a trace – but the search goes on

Lost without a trace

But, a year on, the search continues for Flight MH370
Germany's spymasters left red-faced after thieves break into brand new secret service HQ and steal taps

Germany's spy HQ springs a leak

Thieves break into new €1.5bn complex... to steal taps
International Women's Day 2015: Celebrating the whirlwind wit of Simone de Beauvoir

Whirlwind wit of Simone de Beauvoir

Simone de Beauvoir's seminal feminist polemic, 'The Second Sex', has been published in short-form for International Women's Day
Mark Zuckerberg’s hiring policy might suit him – but it wouldn’t work for me

Mark Zuckerberg’s hiring policy might suit him – but it wouldn’t work for me

Why would I want to employ someone I’d be happy to have as my boss, asks Simon Kelner
Confessions of a planespotter: With three Britons under arrest in the UAE, the perils have never been more apparent

Confessions of a planespotter

With three Britons under arrest in the UAE, the perils have never been more apparent. Sam Masters explains the appeal
Russia's gulag museum 'makes no mention' of Stalin's atrocities

Russia's gulag museum

Ministry of Culture-run site 'makes no mention' of Stalin's atrocities
The big fresh food con: Alarming truth behind the chocolate muffin that won't decay

The big fresh food con

Joanna Blythman reveals the alarming truth behind the chocolate muffin that won't decay
Virginia Ironside was my landlady: What is it like to live with an agony aunt on call 24/7?

Virginia Ironside was my landlady

Tim Willis reveals what it's like to live with an agony aunt on call 24/7
Paris Fashion Week 2015: The wit and wisdom of Manish Arora's exercise in high camp

Paris Fashion Week 2015

The wit and wisdom of Manish Arora's exercise in high camp
8 best workout DVDs

8 best workout DVDs

If your 'New Year new you' regime hasn’t lasted beyond February, why not try working out from home?
Paul Scholes column: I don't believe Jonny Evans was spitting at Papiss Cissé. It was a reflex. But what the Newcastle striker did next was horrible

Paul Scholes column

I don't believe Evans was spitting at Cissé. It was a reflex. But what the Newcastle striker did next was horrible
Miguel Layun interview: From the Azteca to Vicarage Road with a million followers

From the Azteca to Vicarage Road with a million followers

Miguel Layun is a star in Mexico where he was criticised for leaving to join Watford. But he says he sees the bigger picture
Frank Warren column: Amir Khan ready to meet winner of Floyd Mayweather v Manny Pacquiao

Khan ready to meet winner of Mayweather v Pacquiao

The Bolton fighter is unlikely to take on Kell Brook with two superstar opponents on the horizon, says Frank Warren
War with Isis: Iraq's government fights to win back Tikrit from militants - but then what?

Baghdad fights to win back Tikrit from Isis – but then what?

Patrick Cockburn reports from Kirkuk on a conflict which sectarianism has made intractable