Peter York on Ads: In the gravel drives of Freeland the car is not the star

Freelander

Where exactly is Freeland? Obviously it's that territory of the mind where you think you need a Freelander, which is a kind of Range Rover sub-brand of car/tank cross-breed. But do you see it as, say, Botswana? Or the muddier bits of Gloucestershire? Or perhaps the urban jungle, your missus up high and protected in her leather trousers taking your little darlings to their Hampstead prep school? (Did you know that Hampstead is the prep school centre of the western world? - those massive Norman Shaw houses are naturals for New Victorian Values private education.)

Where exactly is Freeland? Obviously it's that territory of the mind where you think you need a Freelander, which is a kind of Range Rover sub-brand of car/tank cross-breed. But do you see it as, say, Botswana? Or the muddier bits of Gloucestershire? Or perhaps the urban jungle, your missus up high and protected in her leather trousers taking your little darlings to their Hampstead prep school? (Did you know that Hampstead is the prep school centre of the western world? - those massive Norman Shaw houses are naturals for New Victorian Values private education.)

The Freelander people themselves seem to think it's in one of the broodier bits of Surrey, judging by their new commercial. It's a Home Counties beauty spot where no one farms or shoots and the land's parcelled up into biggish detached houses with a third of an acre each.

It's popular murder territory too. Second only to Midsomer Worthy in the British TV crime rate figures. And if you look at your TV homicide trends, you'll know there are a lot more homicidal women around now. Women commit something between 20 and 30 per cent of all TV murders on a good day. David Blunkett's altogether too complacent about it. He should do something about the lesbians too. They're responsible for a steeply rising proportion of UK TV land female homicides.

It follows that the woman in the Freelander commercial is clutching a Psycho-sized kitchen knife when we first see her in the kitchen. And that they're using that dark green filter called Menace. And that there's some slo-mo as she runs upstairs for her gun, which is in one of those lovely transparent Perspex drawers where you see all your scarves at a glance. Then she's rushing back down to the door, deadheading some black tulips on the way - it's neo-noir territory.

And then she's in the gravelled drive, the spiritual dead centre of the Home Counties sensibility. Her husband - it's the only possible term - is ahead of her in the driving seat of the Freelander thing. And she's pointing the gun at his ear. At this point there's only one thing you'll be wanting to know - so what was the house like? Thirties sub-Modernist in white-painted rendering with black Crittall metal windows, vaguely modish. Interior with Sixties revivalist big repeat wallpaper panels - very modish.

After a bit of second-hand movie business with gun cocking and ear cocking, she fires in the air, of course, starting-pistol fashion, and he's off down the lane grinning. Down past Amersham or Marlow, Hindhead or Horsham, on to the open road to the sea. She's got early Christine Keeler hair and the voice-over is what we entertainment industry insiders call "New Irish". As for the car, I can't help you there matey.

Peter@sru.co.uk

Start your day with The Independent, sign up for daily news emails
Latest stories from i100
Have you tried new the Independent Digital Edition apps?
Independent Dating
and  

By clicking 'Search' you
are agreeing to our
Terms of Use.

iJobs Job Widget
iJobs Media

Recruitment Genius: Professional Sales Trainee - B2B

£15000 - £30000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: First things first - for the av...

Guru Careers: Creative Designer / Graphic Designer

Competitive: Guru Careers: We are seeking a Creative Designer / Graphic Design...

Guru Careers: Graduate Marketing Executive / Marketing Assistant

£18 - 23k (DOE): Guru Careers: A Graduate Marketing Executive / Assistant is n...

Recruitment Genius: Business Analyst - ECommerce

£35000 - £43000 per annum: Recruitment Genius: We are 'Changemakers' in retail...

Day In a Page

How to stop an asteroid hitting Earth: Would people co-operate to face down a global peril?

How to stop an asteroid hitting Earth

Would people cooperate to face a global peril?
Just one day to find €1.6bn: Greece edges nearer euro exit

One day to find €1.6bn

Greece is edging inexorably towards an exit from the euro
New 'Iron Man' augmented reality technology could help surgeons and firefighters, say scientists

'Iron Man' augmented reality technology could become reality

Holographic projections would provide extra information on objects in a person's visual field in real time
Sugary drinks 'are killing 184,000 adults around the world every year'

Sugary drinks are killing 184,000 adults around the world every year

The drinks that should be eliminated from people's diets
Pride of Place: Historians map out untold LGBT histories of locations throughout UK

Historians map out untold LGBT histories

Public are being asked to help improve the map
Lionel, Patti, Burt and The Who rock Glasto

Lionel, Patti, Burt and The Who rock Glasto

This was the year of 24-carat Golden Oldies
Paris Fashion Week

Paris Fashion Week

Thom Browne's scarecrows offer a rare beacon in commercial offerings
A year of the caliphate:

Isis, a year of the caliphate

Who can defeat the so-called 'Islamic State' – and how?
Marks and Spencer: Can a new team of designers put the spark back into the high-street brand?

Marks and Spencer

Can a new team of designers put the spark back into the high-street brand?
'We haven't invaded France': Italy's Prime Minister 'reclaims' Europe's highest peak

'We haven't invaded France'

Italy's Prime Minister 'reclaims' Europe's highest peak
Isis in Kobani: Why we ignore the worst of the massacres

Why do we ignore the worst of the massacres?

The West’s determination not to offend its Sunni allies helps Isis and puts us all at risk, says Patrick Cockburn
7/7 bombings 10 years on: Four emergency workers who saved lives recall the shocking day that 52 people were killed

Remembering 7/7 ten years on

Four emergency workers recall their memories of that day – and reveal how it's affected them ever since
Humans: Are the scientists developing robots in danger of replicating the hit Channel 4 drama?

They’re here to help

We want robots to do our drudge work, and to look enough like us for comfort. But are the scientists developing artificial intelligence in danger of replicating the TV drama Humans?
Time to lay these myths about the Deep South to rest

Time to lay these myths about the Deep South to rest

'Heritage' is a loaded word in the Dixie, but the Charleston killings show how dangerous it is to cling to a deadly past, says Rupert Cornwell
What exactly does 'one' mean? Court of Appeal passes judgement on thorny mathematical issue

What exactly does 'one' mean?

Court of Appeal passes judgement on thorny mathematical issue