The Sindies: The year's most important news awards

It is time once again for the Sindies, the annual distribution of awards for achievements, dubious and otherwise, in the past year. Unlike other awards ceremonies, in our version it's straight to business. No compere, no dancers, no glitz and no sobbing. Here, then, in no particular order, are the recipients of the Sindies for 2008:

Best Cinematography

The dominatrix who, under trying circumstances, filmed the S&M scenes in the 'News of the World' production 'Max Mosley: Revenge of the Spanking Women'. The judges especially admired the documentary effect obtained by the hand-held camera, whose grainy, black and white footage suggested the angst of Bergman with a hint of the energy of Eisenstein. Plus, of course, the explicitness found in 16mm films by Reg of Frith Street.

Most Profitable Return on Big Budget Production

Derek Conway MP was a clear winner. Here at last was a Member of Parliament who thought on an epic scale, casting some of his immediate family in a caper that ran for six years at a cost of £260,000 – and all funded by the taxpayer. The characters included a pair of "research assistants" played by son Henry, a self-styled fop who earned £32,717, and son Freddie, who had a £50,086 role which the standards watchdog later discovered was a non-speaking part. All told, the Conway clan's takings from Westminster were £1,535,716 – plus Derek's generous MP's pension. But for an observant journalist, the show would have run and run.

Most Wooden Animation in a Television Reality Show

Although many artists were brought in to work on the movements of the "John Sergeant" character in 'Strictly Come Dancing', they were never able to reproduce the movements of a real person. In one episode, where he dances the paso doble, there appear to be missing frames, with Sergeant's head jerking upright at one point, and his left knee suddenly flexing outward.

Costume Spend That Went Way Over Budget

The Republican Party, which made the mistake of telling Sarah Palin she could have some money to freshen up her wardrobe. The party donor footing the bill expected this would cost $15,000, but, within days, Palin had spent $75,000 at Neiman Marcus, $9,500 in Macy's, $5,000 at a men's boutique called Atelier (for husband Todd, presumably), and soon ran up a total of $150,000.

Longest and Silliest Title

Peter Mandelson Enterprises Ltd (VAT No 67843922), for the comeback drama "Lord Mandelson of Foy in the County of Herefordshire and Hartlepool in the County of Durham".

Achievement in Special Effects

Bernard Madoff, for his computer simulation of an investment business. The judges were not alone in admiring his computer-generated profits. Rich people all over America were so taken with them that they gave Madoff all their money. Created with just a few dollars, his company made $50bn at the box office.

Worst Casting Couch Technique

Nominations included Troy Buswell, then Australian opposition leader, who, in May, admitted sniffing a chair newly vacated by a female colleague. But the winner is Lib Dem leader Nick Clegg, who seemed to think he would add to his allure by telling an interviewer he had slept with "no more than 30 women". Wrong. Very wrong. Spent the rest of the year being overshadowed by his understudy, Vince.

Best Location Procurement

Jeremy Clarkson, for fencing off parts of the Isle of Man.

Outstanding Comedy in a Bureaucratic Setting

The nominations are: the BBC, for faking winners and misleading audiences in numerous phone-ins; the BBC, for keeping £100,000 of viewers' donations to Children In Need; the BBC, for taking 437 staff to the Beijing Olympics; the BBC, for taking 175 staff to the US presidential elections; the BBC, for failing to stop harassing calls made by Jonathan Ross, right, and Russell Brand to the actor Andrew Sachs from being broadcast; and the BBC, for employing 50 executives who earn more than the Prime Minister. And the winner is... the BBC.

Most Original Pervert of the Year

Nominations are: the Italian who surreptitiously photographed 3,000 women's bottoms in St Mark's Square, Venice; the Romanian who rang the emergency services 6,442 times, just so he could swear at the operators; and an unnamed Polish contractor who in March was fired from Great Ormond Street Hospital after being caught having sex with a "Henry" vacuum cleaner. But the winner is Art Price Jr, who was spotted in Bellevue, Ohio, attempting sex with a picnic table on four separate occasions.

Achievement in Product Placement

The Foreign Secretary, David Miliband, who, for reasons best known to himself, produced a banana whenever his picture was taken at the Labour Party conference. Mysteriously, he and his bananas still occupy the Foreign Office.

Most Original Product Placement

Melissa McIntire, from Virginia, who, with her sister, sold a cornflake shaped like the state of Illinois on eBay for $1,350. The buyer was the owner of a trivia website who had previously bought a cornflake billed as the world's largest. Unfortunately, it broke into three pieces in the post.

Least Convincing Live Action Emergency of the Year

A category reserved for real-life 999 calls. Nominations include: "My husband has hidden the TV remote and I want to watch 'EastEnders'" and "I've found a kitten in my house and I don't know what to do with it". But the winner, made to South Wales Police, is: "Come and arrest my boyfriend – he's put my hamster out in the rain."

Best Bank Robbery Scene

The employees of Goldman Sachs.

Quote of the Year

St James Davis of California, the owner of a chimpanzee called Moe who escaped from his cage in the summer. A distraught Davis told reporters: "He means the world to us. He was best man at my wedding."

Least Successful Record Attempt Involving Cartoon Characters

The 395 Croatians who, in February, painted themselves blue to beat the world "most Smurfs in one place" record – only to find they'd been misinformed and the mark was 450.

Worst Performance in a Job Interview

Nominations, thanks to CareerBuilder.com, are: the man who, receiving a mobile phone call, asked the interviewer to leave because it was a "private call"; the man who told the interviewer he had been sacked from his last post for beating up the boss; the candidate who sniffed his armpits as he walked into the interview room; and the person going for an accountancy job who told the interviewer: "I'm a people person, not a numbers person." But the winner is the American who, during a telephone job interview, flushed the toilet.

Best European Capital of Culture

Liverpool was nominated by thousands of its inhabitants, who nevertheless pointed out that it would "probably be ignored by snobs down south". How right they were, for the award goes to the city which, unknown to virtually anyone outside Norway, was Liverpool's co city of culture: Stavanger, birthplace of the black metal band Skyggegjemsel, home to the Norwegian Petroleum Museum and the location for such classics of Scandanavian cinema as 'Mannen som elsket Yngve'.

Farewell Performance of the Year

Fredric J Baur of Cincinnati, designer of the Pringles tube, who, in May, had his final wish granted by having his ashes buried in one.

And the nominations for wacky news story of the year are...

Texas woman pulls gun on furniture deliverymen after they refuse to take off their shoes in her house.

Bull terrier with novelty dance routine fired from Southend production of 'Oliver!' for upstaging the rest of the cast.

Entirely sober Washington driver tells police he hit traffic light after swerving to avoid pterodactyl.

Benedictine monk caught with 230 porn films in his monastery cell.

Romanian sex shop ordered to replace inflatable doll after customer complained one he bought had lost its moan.

NZ woman finds dead mouse in her Christmas cracker.

Teen, arrested for pushing pensioner into Cape Cod dock, uses statutory phone call to ring friend and boast about it.

Italian pensioner in hospital after fight with man over last piece of cake at all-you-can-eat buffet

New Zealand teenager charged with assaulting a man with a hedgehog.

Romanian National Ballet reported because its 'Swan Lake' was eight birds short of the full flock.

Man tries to rob Florida shop armed with a palm frond.

But the winner is...

Man survives 25ft fall down Frankfurt lift shaft after he lands on woman who fell down it the day before.

2008: the year in review

January

Elections spark tribal strife that pushes Kenya to the brink of civil war.

Britney Spears hospitalised after custody battle over sons.

Liverpool begins year as European capital of culture.

Rogue trader costs Société Générale £3.6bn.

Peter Hain resigns cabinet post over undeclared campaign donations.

Hollywood star Heath Ledger dies after an accidental drug overdose.

February

Police reveal they bugged Sadiq Khan MP during a prison visit to a constituent.

Prince Harry revealed to be in Afghanistan.

Police begin search of former children's home in Jersey.

Shannon Matthews reported missing, sparking massive police search.

Scarlett Keeling, 15, raped and murdered on Goa beach.

Alistair Darling nationalises Northern Rock bank.

March

US investment bank Bear Stearns rescued by Federal Reserve as credit crisis bites.

Tibetan monks stage uprising during China's Olympic year.

Zimbabwe votes, in widely discredited election.

Heather Mills awarded a lump sum of £16.5m in her divorce from Sir Paul McCartney.

President Nicolas Sarkozy of France and Carla Bruni visit UK.

Heathrow Terminal 5 opens to chaos of lost baggage.

John McCain becomes Republican presidential candidate.

April

Cyclone Nargis hits Burma, killing 200,000.

Maoists win elections in Nepal and abolish the monarchy.

Pro-Tibet campaigners disrupt Olympic torch-relays around the world.

Diana inquest jury returns verdict of unlawful killing through grossly negligent driving.

May

Boris Johnson becomes Mayor of London.

Labour loses Crewe and Nantwich by-election to Tories.

80,000 dead after earthquake in Sichuan, China.

Phoenix Mars Lander confirms presence of water on Mars.

Irish PM Bertie Ahern resigns amid corruption controversy.

June

Irish reject Lisbon Treaty in referendum, sinking hopes of a European constitution.

David Davis resigns as MP to fight by-election on civil liberties.

Hillary Clinton bows out of US presidential race.

Glastonbury success for rapper Jay-Z proves critics wrong.

Police investigation launched after cabinet secrets relating to al-Qa'ida left on a train.

July

School tests fiasco as thousands of papers go missing.

Barack Obama receives rapturous welcome in Berlin on European tour.

Bosnian Serb war crimes suspect Radovan Karadzic captured after 12 years.

SNP wins Glasgow East by-election.

Crude oil leaps to a record $147 a barrel.

Portuguese police close the investigation into the disappearance of Madeleine McCann.

Georgian troops shell Tskhinvali in South Ossetia in dispute over sovereignty.

August

Russia invades Georgia, sparking international outrage.

Beijing Olympics open with spectacular firework display.

Britain has most successful Olympic Games in a century, winning 16 gold medals, including two for swimmer Rebecca Adlington.

Climate change campaigners protest at plans for a new coal-fired power station at Kingsnorth, Kent.

More than 160 die in a stampede at a Hindu temple in India.

Alaska Governor Sarah Palin becomes John McCain's running mate.

September

Lehman Brothers investment bank collapses.

Large Hadron Collider at Cern, Switzerland, switched on, but switched off again after two weeks due to a technical fault.

Bradford and Bingley nationalised as credit crisis deepens.

Floods in India displace two million people.

October

£500bn rescue package announced for banks.

Austrian far-right politician Jörg Haider dies in car crash.

Peter Mandelson returns to Labour front bench for the third time, as Business Secretary.

Iceland's banking system goes into meltdown.

Jonathan Ross suspended over phone prank.

Metropolitan Police commissioner Sir Ian Blair resigns.

November

Barack Obama elected President of the United States.

Protesters shut down Bangkok airport.

Tory immigration spokesman Damian Green arrested and offices searched by police.

Terror attacks on hotels in Mumbai leave 300 dead.

Lewis Hamilton becomes the youngest winner of Formula 1 world championship, aged 23.

December

Protesters cause chaos at Stansted. Madonna and Guy Ritchie agree £50m divorce.

Bilal Abdulla jailed for life for trying to blow up Glasgow airport and two cars in London.

Zimbabwe struck by cholera.

Jean Charles de Menezes inquest jury returns open verdict.

Ian Griggs